I’m so fucking worthless, no matter what I do, I’m never good enough…
BF thinks I’m too insecure because I worry about him, he says he’s going to do something and then he doesn’t do it, his behavior or normal daily habits change instantly and I’m concern that something happened, it’s sucks being in a long distance relationship for over a year… but I’m not allowed to show I care, because that makes me insecure? I’m not thinking he’s cheating on me, I think that something bad fucking happened because it’s not normal for him to just say NOTHING to me for 24 hours! When he goes to work, he normally sends a text, even if I’m sleeping, if he gets off work, he’ll either send a text or call me, let me know how his day went… he stated he would do something today, but when I didn’t see him do said thing, and no response from him since the night before… I gotten worried… but every time I get worried, he puts me down for it…
He knows I hate being like this so why does he need to keep rubbing it in? He knows I wish I was normal, just fucking once I wish I was fucking normal… but here I am with so many health issues, unable to work, unable to travel, unable to continue education, unable to anything, and I asked him to just accept me for me, but he’s all like, “I give up trying to fix you”… if he’s been trying to fix me all this time, he’s never just accepted me for me… I asked him if he’s trying to get me to break up with him, he laughs and says no… how am I suppose to believe him… he continues to laugh, and doesn’t even try to convince me that I should stay in the relationship… over a year… down the fucking drain… I don’t fucking matter, what I think doesn’t matter, what I feel doesn’t matter, I’m so fucking worthless… no one accepts me for me… I never asked him to fix me, I never tried to fix him… I always praised him and cared for him and show him all my love and good vibes, and he just took me for granted… I’m so fucking stupid to ever fucking believe that anyone would ever fucking truly love me… I’ve wasted 33 years of my shitty life in this world, and it only gotten me nothing but pain, suffering, betrayal, abandonment, assaulted, raped, nearly killed, it’s just not worth it if I’m not worth it… I didn’t choose to be born, I didn’t choose to experience the shit I experienced, I didn’t choose my family, I didn’t choose my path, I’ve never had a chance at choices… not even in death… so many times I tried, and so many times, I died, and so many times I was revived against my will… I’m just not fucking allowed to be happy or loved or appreciated…