nervious, scared

I’ve been kind of marinating in the depression lately. Between being busy and anxious, there isn’t a ton of time to process, and for two months there hasn’t been anyone to process with. I don’t successfully process with my family, friends… any of that. I was trying to process with the crisis line, which just dang doesn’t work.

So I’m meeting a new therapist in the morning. It’s scary. I’m worried that it won’t go well. I’ve worked with tens of therapists, and had maybe 3 good ones. Two of those were students doing their practicum, which is why I can’t see them anymore. The other one was my therapist when I was a kid, and he stopped seeing me when I hit adulthood. Heck, I wanted to check in on him and he won’t return my calls…. it’s a lonely road.

So, meeting a new one. I want it to work out, it’s in my best interest that it does…. I’m just not doing well at opening up to new people anymore, even when I need to. I’m like this dark well of secrets, even if the secrets aren’t that interesting. It just seems like stuff I should talk about; how much I think about death, why I think about it, this stuff probably matters, and it might be good that I figure it out before I end it. Or not!

I get avoidant sometimes, and avoiding the fear and pain seems better than going through it. If I ever find out I’m doing that I march my little self through that tough situation. The other day I forgot my wallet in the car and had to leave my stuff at the register. It was very cold and I thought about just driving away, I was so embarassed to forget my wallet. Then I realized I was afraid, and marched myself through it. can’t really say if it was worth it…. I just don’t know how to let myself be a coward, or be owned by my fear.