I’ve been thinking a lot lately and I’ve been feeling a bit like every moment of my life has been a waste of time. I’ve tried to change things because I’m advanced in the old “fake it to make it” so I’ve stopped that and have grown much more cynical. I still see it everywhere around me. In other news, I feel like I am failing myself. I don’t know to feel bad about it quite yet because I don’t want to get too wrapped around anything in particular and I guess that’s why I have chosen (unconsciously) to fail myself. I feel I have failed myself because I stopped studying and I stopped reading, I truly am isolated (as much as I can be and/or is permitted) to the bounds of my own mind and/or imagination at this point. I know I have failed myself in other ways. I have lost that feeling, I suppose. A part of me feels like I shouldn’t ingest too much or I might sell myself something. But is it better than the alternative? I keep turning on and off. Yes I am the one who has been suicide positive for the major of my life. One day I am ready, the next day I forget about it (or cope, if you prefer) the next day I snap and I curse the wait time I have left and then the next day I regret and try to forgive myself. That doesn’t mean that I have found a reason or desire to actually remain alive. I mean it’s already been as bad as it can get, I presume to get on with it lest I waste more of my life. They already bought me.
I can say I have found one thing I enjoy. I enjoy strangers. Strangers of the right variant, of course. And I enjoy myself being a stranger. Gives you room to grow .. when you are not backed into your usual corner. Of course there are not many strangers here where I am placed. Quite the wicked place so far…
I can’t say I am not ready to let it go, but I can say that postponing is right up my alley. I will only grow angrier. I can tell you I’m already very, very angry. Not in the casual use and/or what you’d imagine when you hear the word “ANGRY”, but in a different sense I suppose. I guess that’s the only emotion that’s really left at the end here of my life.
I don’t have much to say this morning, but I noticed it was a little lonely over here.