I am one of those people who fantasize about going into my college lecture room with a few MAC-10’s and slaying them all with a haze of bullets. I’m aware of what’s inside me. There’s this black pit inside where I’m able to stuff my empathy, and it makes me able to do things that other’s cant.
The first time I acted upon it, I felt so powerful! It was like no one could possibly do anything to me, invincibility! and yet, when that faded away, I felt so horrible and disgusted with myself over what I had done, and the person I had hurt, that I put myself into therapy.
Here’s the thing though. Everyone talks about “If only this person had gotten the help they needed instead of going on a killing spree.” Well, they dont make help very available either. I’m able to get 1 hour a week, for $160. 1 hour, out of 168 hours a week, is NOT ENOUGH and the treatment is too expensive! Especially when the remaining 167 hours are spent fighting what’s inside of me, worrying about how my interactions are hurting others, about how fucked I am inside my head, knowing that, and still not being able to do enough about it!
Dont get me wrong. I’m responsible for my own actions, and if I decide to go through with it, it will ultimately be my own fault. and yet, there are parts of me that knows it’s not my fault either. Sites like this help me Express the inner hurricane brewing within my heart.
I wish I could have a longer, more intensive therapy that I could afford. I know that’s what I need, and I also know I’ll never get it.