I’m just SO tired, you know? My heart has been screaming and crying a lot lately, i’m… so empty, i’ve been crying again… that’s NOT good at all, my mind it’s so dark lately, i wish i could swallow it again and keep moving forward, but no… would anyone out there read me? i just.. can’t anymore.
I was okay, my last “incident” was almost a year ago, until it happened that night… you see? i.. was raped.. and i worked really really hard to be okay, i lost “friends” who told me “you just want attention”, “nah, u lying” “why are you lying” “oh, please u surely wanted it”. HA. i’m lesbian. i…since that day i feel so grossed out about me, my body, i feel so dirty and empty, they keep saying things like.. well. who cares?.
now… i… it got worse, you see? it started there, now i was told i won’t get my degree EVER, i worked SO hard to get it, i hate my country, it’s SO dirty… since thy were the ones who told me yes, they accepted my thesis, they allowes me to pay a HUGE amount of money wich made me go to red, and now they said ” oh, yeah, no, sorry, you WON’T because we don’t liked it, and you are not a pet teacher”, it…destroyed me, then, my ..someone i used to be really close got a girlfriend and just forgot i exist, i…sorry, my parents have..never been “parents” they are just a wallet, step-father actually, i..got abused mentally since kindergarten to my lates 29 years. haha. i’m not okay tho’.
i fight it, every day…some days i lose and hard…today…per example, i can’t take it today, i can’t stop crying, and the hurt won’t stop.
sorry if it doesn’t make sence, i just…have SO much to talk..
It’s actually a REAL miracle for me everyday i’m still here, it’s so hard to fight me everyday, every single second of my life…
i’ve been told i’m nothing and a waste of air since i was in kindergarden, you know how BAD of a massive messed up person mades you? how HARD it to fight it every day?? i….oh gosh. i got NO ONE to ask for help, no one.
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I’ve been raped so many times, so I know how you feel. I am lesbian too. I have no friends and I guarantee they are just wanting me to commit so they keep up the abuse. I am so numb. But it doesn’t matter and I look past it because I have been planning suicide since 2006 and I know I will finally end it soon. Before the rape, I used to be a real person, I used to have real hobbies. Now all I am is a terror. I can’t even walk down the street anymore, something I used to feel so safe doing. I don’t know why the abuser chose me when they did around 2013.I don’t have parents either, all they are is slurred yellings. My parents have no money though, they are too stupid and sick in the heads to have any, I am just an empty product of their loveless relationship and I’ve known that since a toddler. I could never go to college and no employment would hire me for 4 years after high school. (I only wanted a job so I could buy a shotgun and kill myself that way nonetheless, that wasn’t happening because I couldn’t even get somewhere to give me 2 months of work.) then I started getting followed and someone called the cops on me and I was arrested for drinking two beers and driving and I am finally driving again after 2.5 years and 12,000$ later. I couldn’t leave my morbidly obese biological mother’s basement. But now all my dreams are dead and I know the only thing I can do or will be interested in now is killing myself. Well my date was set to shoot myself in the head through the mouth for the very week I turned 18 and could legally pick up a gun from the pawn shop, August 1, 2012. I ended up only having 150$ after selling everything I owned and the gun being 250$. So then I had to experiment with methods, and for the life of me I could not figure out how to kill myself without a gun for the longest time. Now I finally figured it out about a year ago, so I’m just sitting on that knowledge waiting for the right time to end my ..”life”..
I’d like to add. The first time I was raped was I don’t know to count this or not .. 9 or 10, anyway it didn’t happen again until I was .. 20 (and that was twice so far, OK?) then it happened when I was 21 (once) then when I was 22 (probably like 15 times) then when I was 23 (about like 40 times)
Ok so when I was 22, it was 2016 and that’s when it started happening a lot. There was a lesbian like me, a lesbian that dresses as man and lived in my city – pretty small city. At the same time as I started being followed and having the cops sicked on me and then molested and all that, I hear this poor 2 years younger than me was kidnapped by a 64 year old man, raped and murdered and then dumped in the city in a dumpster. The exact day, I was molested really really bad and followed, this girl practically my prettier twin, is raped and murdered by choking, THE EXACT DAY. Um……. I wasn’t murdered so I just keep getting the molestation over and over, idk, but he was an OLD MAN for CHRIST SAKE.
I was even molested before the cops come to take me to jail, they r*ped me. One in the back, one in the front while I was on all fours… then they took me to jail for 2.5 years about a week later.
No place for ‘you’ in this life