Time wasted?

I don’t know how to do “downtime” and sometimes I wonder if that’s one of the issues that makes my depression worse. Today I wanted to play a game, read my books to get ready for the semester, and find a part for a keyboard. Any guesses what I got done? If you guessed “nothing that I set out to”, you’d be right. The problem is that I don’t care about making me happy. It’s so much easier when I have a deadline that I’m scared of missing. Or when I have work that I’m avoiding or relaxing from.

This is what I hate most about college. For 16 weeks I’m very productive, fantastically so. No matter what goes wrong if I show up for classes and turn in work, thinks work out. It’s a lovely fantasy world to live in. I get to do that twice a year. At best I can add another 8 week stint to that. That’s 40 out of 52 weeks productive. I wouldn’t mind more downtime, but my entire working life has been a constant thing that doesn’t stop until I lose a job. That’s 52 weeks straight, one after another, no time of having to get used to having nothing. I’m no good at splitting focus either. I’ve yet to succeed at working and going to school at the same time. Yet I’ve made deans list with just school…

Two more years I have to put up with this, then graduate school which I have no idea what to expect.

It seems like I should find comfort in it, having a path and all that. It does not provide comfort. I’m engaged in a career that involves spending money, not making it. It’s a topsy turvey version of my other careers… and I want to work, I really really do. Times like now I miss working. I never remember missing college, ever. There just isn’t a career out there that I want to do apart from the one I’m going to school for….

I have to wait five weeks to see the new therapist. Should I go see the temporary one at school, or should I just learn to be patient? I plan to go if things get worse, but otherwise… clueless.