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Torn between staying with my gf and leaving for a monastery

by Black Holez

I’m torn. I’m 33 years old. I’ve got a gf of 13 years with me and God knows I want to marry her, have kids and be with her forever but given my current situation, I don’t even think I can provide her with what she wants – children and family. On the other hand, the allure of becoming a monk and being in a monastery grows more and more by the day. I’ve got nothing going for me. I’ve got no job, I’ve got no friends and I’m constantly depressed all the time knowing I’ve pushed away people and having no one in my life.

Even if I do get married, the thought that there will be no friends to even visit my marriage while she will have loads of ones will just make me appear like a loner/loser in the eyes of others. I don’t know what to do or where to go. My girlfriend is the one that has stuck by me through all this and has held my sanity for these past two years despite being isolated and yet I have to leave the very same thread that’s holding me together if I want to better myself. It’s like a cruel joke is being played upon me. I have to lose everything if I have to be okay.

My biggest fear is that I will regret all this if I do push through becoming a monk and I have nothing left to go back to.


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Soda 1/2/2019 - 2:28 am

Being a monk just leads to great isolation. It’s fine for people who don’t want any physical contact with others and want a harsh, lonely life.

If you’re like me and you need good people in your life, including a girlfriend then you’d probably need to hang onto her.

However if you’re not ready to be a father, don’t have a stable job/career, have emotional issues then it might not be a good idea to have kids with her because your life will get 10 times harder once you have kids.

But hopefully, she’s ok with not having children and still stays with you. If I was in your shoes I wouldn’t let her go. The monk life is for a unique sort of person. However, you can create that life also, get a lot of alone time.

Yes if you don’t have friends to show up at your wedding it might be embarrassing but you could lie and say they were all busy on vacation moved far away, etc. It’s not that big a deal.

Soda 1/2/2019 - 2:29 am


Additionally some people get pets to sub for having kids. Just an idea.

TickleBits 1/2/2019 - 9:37 am

I agree with Soda. 13 years is a long time, and if she truly loves you then she isnt going to leave you over not having kids. It sounds like you may need to have a talk with her about this. Additionally, you may need a vacation. Maybe the monastery seems so appealing because of it’s quiet, peaceful ambience. Maybe some time alone in the woods, or at the library even would give you the same thing.

TickleBits 1/2/2019 - 9:40 am

P.S. If you love her and you want to marry her then you should. F@#k what people will think.

Soda 1/3/2019 - 2:09 am

Thanks TB and well said.

Once 1/2/2019 - 11:34 am

“I have to lose everything if I have to be okay.”

Hey Black Holez. Sorry the new year is starting with the same challenge for you, but that’s life for you.

I’m just wondering if you’re able to think a little less drastically, to think of an option that doesn’t involve losing everything. Surely there must be some options right there in your home town that would allow you to begin to re-integrate into a social life of some sorts, options that don’t involve giving up your girlfriend and isolating yourself in a monastery.

I wonder if isolation is the best thing for you, or if the best thing is for you to begin a slow movement out of your comfort zone, into the world again, where you can begin to form new relationships and friendships. The old ones are gone, and the damage is done, but instead of increasing your isolation, I’m thinking moving in the opposite direction might help you – interacting with people and coming out of your self imposed prison of loneliness.

Just a thought. Take care, my friend.

Black Holez 1/3/2019 - 5:53 am

” but instead of increasing your isolation, I’m thinking moving in the opposite direction might help you – interacting with people and coming out of your self imposed prison of loneliness.”

This is why the thought of going to a monastery has sprung up in my mind. This orders I want to join will be a Benedictine one. In there I will be able to interact with monks, work and go into some sort of community living. Instead of moping around the house and being a recluse, I think it would do me wonders to have people to interact with and talk to despite the scheduled nature of being in a monastery.

Then again what’s holding me back is my gf of 13 years. I know there will be no turning back once a decision has been made regarding this and the clock is ticking for me. I’ll be turning 34 this may and most orders i think have an age limit of 35. It’s hard in my situation. I’ve got no social life and no one to turn to.

heartlessviking 1/2/2019 - 4:07 pm

That’s more value in the stay option than I had read from you thus far. It sounds like that future has enough allure to make leaving painful. Not sure where you should go, but identifying which values are higher and what priorities are might help.

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