I’m torn. I’m 33 years old. I’ve got a gf of 13 years with me and God knows I want to marry her, have kids and be with her forever but given my current situation, I don’t even think I can provide her with what she wants – children and family. On the other hand, the allure of becoming a monk and being in a monastery grows more and more by the day. I’ve got nothing going for me. I’ve got no job, I’ve got no friends and I’m constantly depressed all the time knowing I’ve pushed away people and having no one in my life.
Even if I do get married, the thought that there will be no friends to even visit my marriage while she will have loads of ones will just make me appear like a loner/loser in the eyes of others. I don’t know what to do or where to go. My girlfriend is the one that has stuck by me through all this and has held my sanity for these past two years despite being isolated and yet I have to leave the very same thread that’s holding me together if I want to better myself. It’s like a cruel joke is being played upon me. I have to lose everything if I have to be okay.
My biggest fear is that I will regret all this if I do push through becoming a monk and I have nothing left to go back to.