The trucks are seeming a lot more appealing as of late when I drive…. I could just swerve into one and I could be fatally wounded, or at least horribly injured maybe life altering injury…. Either way is progress, but I’m a coward, just have to wait to see how much longer I can resist this urge, I’ve never had this impulsive of a feeling before but it started about a month ago…. I did come closer than planned a bit ago when I found myself wondering about it and well kind of stopped paying attention to doing the entire driving thing, I probably shouldn’t be driving, but also I need to. -_-
On the other notes of the day, uhhhhh I have fairly constant bodily pain, mostly in my chest and abdomen I have a bad feeling it could be related to how much I’ve been under eating this year, last week I went like 3 days with maybe 800 calories (I think I ate something during that 3 day period at least, it was hard for me to even remember during those three days since most of that time was spent sleeping) and then this week well last week I guess but I missed a day of eating there too, and for the most part it’s been only fast food that I’ve survived off of for the past 2ish weeks, it was all going really well before then I planned to stop wasting money on fast food, but I guess eating something is better than nothing, but for the most part I’ve been surviving on about 1,000 calories per day on the days I have been eating, I know I should eat more, just food is really unappealing but I would probably feel better.
also my house is a messy pile of shit, so I can relate to it at least. A shit hole for a shit person to live in, that’s likely not working either…. I guess at least I’m probably slowly killing myself, in case I don’t work up the nerve to ever violently kill myself….
I’m still heavily considering starting drugs, maybe if I got addicted to something I could be convinced to work a normal shitty job like normal shitty people such as myself should, instead of getting overwhelmed by full time and not being able to find anybody willing to give me part time work, which fuck them I only need part time work to have enough money to buy food for myself without having to stress about the fact that I’m down to maybe just a year left of money…. probably even less, $3,000 doesn’t really get you that far honestly, but I have no other expenses, and really $100 per month could feed me and keep me happy, and another $20 could cover gas costs since I really don’t go places too often…. But if I work full time suddenly I freak out and start cutting myself again and that goes horribly of course once the cuts move to places that I can’t hide, and it’s hard for them not to since that’s where I start now, my arms have grown numb it just doesn’t do anything to cut into my arms, and I hate the sensation of cutting my legs and my body for some reason, it just makes me squirm instead of calm down and relax, so I now jump either directly to my face or my hands, I guess I can do biceps but they are awkward to get to, and also for some reason are not that satisfying for me, honestly face is the most appealing place now for me because it’s what hurts me most which is what I want…. I know that I deserve facial scars, but I’m too much of a little ***** to cut myself deep enough to leave horrible facial scars, instead I just have these tiny barely noticeable things, I deserve worse something that will actually ruin any chance of a life I may have.
Wow that spiraled out of control very quickly, I guess that happens with me though…. But life is shit and I hope I’m actually dying and that this physical pain I’m experiencing is actually me dying from malnutrition or something…. Although thinking about it it is hard to breath and my heart races and stuff randomly, so it could just actually be anxiety and I have been quite stressed about everything since like august or something like that, so yeah I guess really it could just be stress and anxiety causing physical pain and stuff too, which can happen…. I guess with any luck I just have a heart attack and die, which I guess is possible at almost 25, my health is shit and I’m doing it again fuck you Shattered nobody likes you and you’re going to die alone and be ate by your cat. Shut up.
I’m sorry.
4 comments
“you’re going to die alone and be ate by your cat.”
^ That was epic.
I won’t comment on anything else because it would be hypocritical to offer optimism and counterproductive to offer pessimism. But now. Dying alone and getting eaten by your cat. That’s bloody freaking hilarious. Nicely put.
-doesn’t know how to comment to this but really wants to just to keep the number of comments even. I’m sorry-
I really loved reading this, nice work. I relate so much to this post. I havent been cutting in a while but its only because i started smoking weed. I only cut my left arm, but before i stopped recently, i cut the word pain into my knuckles, and now it left a big scar that isnt gonna go away. So there isnt much hiding for me to do anymore. I rarely eat too. I get suicidal when i have to work. Even part time, just having to go in for 4-8 hours is too much for me. But ill probably try to get money when i run out of weed. I already had to quit nicotine because i didnt have the money to afford it. But im glad, it was fucking up my anxiety.
In my opinion quitting nicotine is a good thing, weed is much better…. Not that I’ve ever done either but I still would much sooner smoke weed.
Hand scars are the worst, no idea how knuckle scars are, I just have big ugly scars across the backs of my palms. They make things awkward sometimes.
When I’m at work I’m actually fairly okay, maybe even what could be considered happy I guess? I don’t really feel things anymore or do much most of the time, I can kind of just basically die while at work, which is why I hate breaks because those drag me out of that almost trance like state that I fall into…. But I’m miserable afterwards and beforehand always, and just could never sleep because I can’t manage a consistent sleep schedule, so on the nights I would sleep before work I would oversleep and be late and have to stay late which would mean no sleep, so I’d generally just go those 5 days without much sleep…. It sucked, I would also feel stress because I felt myself drifting away from the people I cared about due to work since I would just kind of go home and cry until I went back to work, then my days off could not be enjoyed since those were spent sleeping…. pre much all of my first day off would be full of sleep, then I’d wake up with maybe 10 hours before I had to go back to work on the second day, then the dread of understanding that I just wasted my only window to be myself for the week and understanding that I was going to have to suffer for another 5 days before I had a chance to be me again…. I feel like I’d do quite well with either one long shift each week, or maybe even 2 long shifts something like work tuesday for 10-15 hours then work friday for 10-15 hours, I’d be much happier with that honestly -_- especially if those didn’t have breaks. But jobs like that don’t exist, so I would settle for something that just promises to not make me work 5, 8 hour shifts because I can’t -_-