How can I get help when I don’t know how to say what I am feeling, how can I tell anyone when there is no one to tell. I always think
‘no one cares’. I feel so alone, just me. The people around me don’t care because they don’t even know who I am. I know this is gonna sound so bad but I don’t care about anything or one not even myself. I don’t ever tell anyone how I feel, I went to therapy for the longest time and I didn’t say how I truly felt. like I said I don’t tell anyone and than I have all this built up anger and sadness not knowing how to take it out so I take it out on my self. I watch the blood run from my wrist know I could just angle the blade a different way and end all my pain all the worrying about the future, feeling like i am to dumb to do anything to get a job, go to a good school. I’m not gonna be able to make it in the real world I’m not even in it yet and it is already taking a toll on me, already enclosing and consuming me. I feel so ALONE nobody to care for and nobody to care about me but just one person who always is checking in on me trying to help but I just can’t tell them how I feel how much pain I really am in.
The thing that is stoping me is ‘what happens after death, how badly will it hurt, am I really actually sad or am I so alone and hurt that I built this illusion that the only way out is death and everyday I get closer and closer with that being ok’ if i can just get past the thought of it will hurt what will happen after I will be ok.
I don’t wanna feel this way but there is nothing stoping me from not feeling this way. I don’t like the person that I see in the mirror, I hate them so much, so fucking much I’m willing to hurt them to the point to death till they really can’t talk anymore, can’t live everyday with pain. Or maybe I care about them so much that I am willing to take that paint away from them.
If I just tell myself I will be fine it will not hurt it will be so quick, I will start to believe it. I can see my mother, my grandmother, grandfather, aunt all those who have past and I’ve missed for such a long time.
It will be better way better for me and everyone else if I just leave permitally from here.
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As a young girl I would worry about the pain associated with suicide (including, how bad it would hurt say you cut an artery or how bad it would hurt to you know, overdose on pills or heroin) but I’ve recently become so desperate to commit that I no longer worry about the pain associated and that has been replaced by the necessity to get it done (end my life) I am not like a lot of people – I don’t think life will get better, I am NOT willing to think it gets better that is living in a fantasy, and I am not going to live my life. Just because I have a life today that does not mean that I want it or that I even live it.
To me suicide is like ripping the life out of your body so you can no longer breathe. Why do that? Because you do not want to live.
I used to go to a ‘therapy’ (I never found it worthwhile so I don’t know why they call it that. Always seen it as just another lame career for the masses of unintelligent woman to lump into to get a check.)
I didn’t say a word the entire time.
Not only did I not want to be alive but I did not want to go to the therapy. I had to do both.
None of those people you loved are waiting for you.