The time i stepped into campus i want to kill myself. Everything here brings only painful memory. I can’t say nothing good happened here but even if something good did happen i cannot remember them. Dorm sucks. I hate the shared bathroom. I feel extremely vulnerable and insecure here i have to fantasize about killing my schoolmates. I am pretty fucked up on this.
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That’s pretty familiar with how I feel. I don’t fantasize about killing people but I forget they exist and ignore them and know I’ll never see them again. I definitely don’t give a sh*t about other humans if they live or die. I’m not going to go out of my way to harm anyone though. But all the while I generally just feel human life is f*cked up. I don’t enjoy having to watch the same sh*tty movie of human life every day. I mean nothing special about me. I can say I’ve been thinking a lot lately how nothing good has happened in my life. Like you I’m very near the end of my rope. It’s gotten very bad the last 3 years, and I told myself a hundred times if one more terrible thing happened then I’d do it. Now just the memories of all the terrible things are telling me it should be my time.
Yeah, i won’t harm them either, and in life i am actually pretty polite and helpful and all that. But sometimes the rage just come and i am like, what’s the point? I did a mental search on positive things earlier, well they are good and nice but i really don’t care. It’s like having a full wallet of money and standing in store but you don’t want to buy nothing. We have time in our hands but we just want to get it over with.
Yeah exactly no one gives a sh*t about that crap. It’s all horse sh*t, you know.
I’m experiencing the same thing. I hated my high school life. Not because I was bullied or what but because I was the worst person ever. Maybe because of puberty but more because of me. I had a lot of realizations after I went to college and the guilt was so heavy that I had depression. Every time I see people from high school, my body gets so weak and I get dizzy. My high school was 5 minute walk away from our house so I always refused to go around in our city. It frightens me to remember those places so I only go to far places. I cut all ties with the previous people and recently they’ve been wanting to get in touch but I refuse to do so.