If hanging worked id do it now

After hundreds of attempts I know it wont though. I just dont want to be here. I never have I hate the reminders of ugliness. I hate being so ugly in such a shallow world. I hate that I am so out of touch with modernity that everything fills me with such angst. I hate this entire path that has lead me to the dead end job working fat FA loser in his 30s living at home with mom. I wanted to kill myself at 12. Things have gotten so much worse in the 20ish years since then. When can I at least have a heart attack. I cant even lose weight because I’m too suicidal to stop eating. I was doing well with it but now I just want to binge eat all the time to cope. I cant get out of this hole i hate EVERYTHING i am connected to NOTHING and this sentence is border not an exaggeration. I believe in God and the Christ but know all Churches to be ran by Charlatans so I have no place to go in that respect. I’m just lost and permasuicidal and permalonely. That said conversing with any person in any medium is torturous.