It has to end

It is really sad, I had so many projects, so much going on. I wish I hadn’t slipped, I wish I hadn’t act that way with my friends, sabotaging all my relationships with self-pity and paronoia. I wish I didn’t have vodka yesterday afternoon. But I did. It took me forever accepting to take meds only to realize my anxiolytics make me even more suicidal. I am supposed to have a whole new life, a fresh start in a couple of weeks but even I don’t believe that. Because I haven’t be that sick in a very long time and last time it ended up in the loony bin. I don’t want to die  but I fail to see what other options I have besides letting myself sink into an agonizing descent of my lucidity. I just can’t go back to a psychiatric hospital because to me those places are way worse than death. I don’t trust anyone anymore, my hands are shaking, I know I am delusional, I know my body wants alcohol and I can’t give it that because if I drink now I haven’t enough to die, just to pass out and end up where I’m so scared to end.  I just wish I had something to properly end my life tonight. It would probably be the best and the most selfless thing I would have done in my entire life.