it was over from the beginning

  February 13th, 2019 by some kid

Whenever I get too depressed I like to crash here. To read everyone else’s posts and write my own. But now I feel I’ve become to comfortable, and feel the need to leave because I feel a sense of belonging. Similar to how in real life I don’t like to talk to anyone because I know they’re better than me. My life is a joke compared to them. I cant even take my life seriously anymore, I don’t even know whether to laugh or to cry. There’s no longer any standards that I can hold myself up to, I’ve fallen off the map. Its better to just hideaway, whenever I can.

There’s no way I could ever be normal again and feel comfortable being around people. I can’t even talk to one person without becoming nervous and feeling anxious. Even something as simple as saying hi to someone in a hallway. I really cant handle the pressure, I just need to be alone; isolated from everyone else. I’m a total failure so I don’t want to be around someone who could make feel worse than I already am and I don’t want to spread of negativity towards them. My problems, all of the things that I’ve done to make my life’s story as pathetic as possible. Failing school, learning stuff about life at a dreadfully slow pace because I’ve been living under a rock (my parent’s house that is) for the last few years, and also my habit of making continual mistakes; my lack of planning for the future. At this point there is no future so I’ve nothing to plan for, its really all over; its irreversible form this point on.

It was over from the beginning, whenever I stopped trying to learn new things and just became content with life. It was when I became a teenager and was a little ignorant per say. I thought well o.k this situation is kind of going to shit. But at least I’m young and have a future ahead of me I guess, I’ll just sit it out and see what happens. I mean I’m not dead and anythings better than being dead.. But then my life deteriorated beneath me, to the point where my quality of life is lessened so much that I may rather just be dead. If you’re life is worthless, then whats the point of living it out; I just want it to end now. I’m almost nineteen and am just looking back before I started my teenage years; to when I was merely a middle schooler.

I swear I was a totally different person back then. I had friends, I wasn’t nearly as shy, and I always liked to read books and learn stuff. To draw and to challenge myself creatively. But once I hit thirteen I thought I’d have all the time in the world to those things. So I’ll just mess around with them later, like  tomorrow, and just live lazily for now. I can really only blame myself for my screwed up life, but I also blame fate a little. I wish my parents would have told me how important school was and why I should get my shit together. Or maybe if they would have encouraged me to work harder at what I was passionate about; to tell me that my life as a young person was limit, if they just paid a little more attention towards me. Maybe if they made my life harder so I would be forced to take it more seriously. But in the end I had control over the entire situation. I could’ve changed things myself if I wanted to, but I didn’t put in the effort and I didn’t give a thought to the future.

So since my life is diminished to nothing I should just give up?? I already know I cant work towards the career I wanted to, I don’t really have time for my hobbies anymore, and I already know I’m going to die a virgin. – I mean I cant even handle a friend so there’s no way in hell I’d ever be in  a relationship. The moment I think my life is actually any better than it is, then I’ll be forced to compare myself to everyone else’s and see just how pathetic I’ve made it. I just wanna get drunk, to taste wine and forget about everything. To no longer see myself on (or off) a spectrum and to forget about everything. To lose myself and not have to think about anything anymore. I think I just wanna die. Or maybe I just want to be at a bar and drink my cares away  by lonesome self in a hidden corner, yeah I think I should become an alcoholic. Just I would only drink wine; beer is kind of nasty to me. Really I’m just a person that likes tea and water.

Don’t bother replying if anyone reads this, I really just need to leave this place. I could say that I wont be back, but I’ll most likely return in two years worth on my knees bawling.

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