Home Poetry & Art It’s just a real life Alice living in a crappy wonderland
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It’s just a real life Alice living in a crappy wonderland

by ibelieveinunicorns

I feel a distance 

A disconnect 

A million miles apart 

My heart beat stings as it thumps inside my chest

With every beat I feel I am reminded of all the things in life that I’ve failed 

Of all the things I’m ungrateful for

I see these children that have my dna 

And I feel nothing on the daily except for sorrow 

I hate that I’ve put them here

Hate that I’m selfish 

Sometimes when I think about the life that’s growing inside I wish it would go away

And I immediately feel guilty

Because they never asked to make it their home 

No, it was my own stupidity that got me here

When I laid down and let him have me in an effort to save himself 

Why am I so destructive 

Why am I so impulsive 

Why am I always left there to feel shame 

I feel so distant from reality 

Disconnected from all the people 

It feels like my skin is translucent 

Like I don’t truly exist 

I feel like an outsider in every circle that I’m in

My thinking is complex and in a world of its own

Truly I am alice 

And this is my wonderland 

I don’t think I will ever close the distance 

Or ever find a soul that is meant for me to have and to hold 

I will just keep falling with every passing year 

Losing myself in it all

Because I am disconnected from you all

Falling further into loneliness and feeling the sting of realization inside my chest 

I will stay a million miles apart from the ones who can see through my skin 

And let the breeze take me as I let the madness have me

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Lostlullaby 2/21/2019 - 5:01 am

It is really well written, I wish I could express myself like this in English. I really like the ” I don’t really exist, translucent part because I often feel that way, too. Like the end of your poem I m always feeling like I am slowly getting mad, like I am on the top of a cliff and I am millimeters away from falling down the big pit of madness. I’ve felt this way for a decade now and it really worsened the last five years. I have mood swings, suicidal thoughts, insomnia so bad it makes my faint and hallucinate so sometimes I wonder: what if I already fell? And weirdly enough this question is a relief. Because I know that I still have some control over myself, and I know I’ve been through so many mentally sicko treats (paranoia, delusions, addictions, self harm, suicide attempt, hallucinations, panic attacks, dissociation…) that nothing can really surprise me anymore and so I’ll be able to face all those things and if it is too painful to make it all stop.

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