I am just wasting all my time and I dont know how to stop. I have no willpower to change. I am the laziest person you ever heard of. And if I wont stop soon I will be facing some serious problems. I am 19 and for as far as I can remember I have been doing nothing with my life but playing computer games (and also getting high in like past 2 years). I am socially isolated. I have a couple friends in my class but I am graduating high school this year so they will all disappear and make new friends and I dont know if I am capable of doing that too.
I have never dated or kissed anyone or anything like that. It doesnt bother me that I am a virgin or that I dont have sex but ye I am just really lonely as fk I strive for love and affection but I just feel like Im not worthy… And I dont know where would I even start, I have no connections with people and online dating doesnt work for me. I didnt ever get a match coz I am too lazy to try hard the photos edit them and all that kind of stuff… I could probably catfish take some pictures with my motorcycle or a cat or something like that then select the best pic out of like 1000 but as I said I am too lazy. Also since I waited this long I really dream of someone special not just some random tinder date but thats just a childish fantasy and also probably just a lie to cover up my fear. Even if I somehow managed to have some date I really dont know what would I do. I have nothing to talk about since my life is the most vague boring life ever. 171 days wasted on League of legends (like full days of 24 hours just playing). Thats so fked up.
I should focus first on getting my life together to get some confidence but as I said I cant manage to do that for some reason. How all the other people get so fking motivated? Everyone works so hard on their life and it even seems to make them happy but for me it does nothing but bother me. I just seem to not give a fk. I live only for escapism.
I feel so alone. I really need some help… I am weak person and I cant help myself on my own. But where to get it? I dont have people to talk to. And even if I told someone what could they really do for me? I dont wanna go to some psychologist, therapist, sex therapist or whatever. I dont have any psychological condition. I am just a dude who willingly wasted his life and now I am facing the consequences.
If I wont change anything by the time Im like 30 or so Im offing myself. I am sorry mom, everyone…
7 comments
Do you enjoy your job?
I dont have any job. I still go to school and probably will for some time, it wont be a problem for me to get to university. But managing to stay there will be another thing. I cant go to school and have a job at the same time. As I said I am so lazy.
If I had a job I would totally absolutely hate it. Every job I would hate. When I worked a summerjob at a supermarket I was thinking about killing myself every day there. It was my lowest point sofar and also a time when I discovered this site. Going to a same routine job like this would just kill me very soon… I mean I even hate my school so fking much and that compared to a job is nothing. I mostly just sleep at school or do smth on my phone. I never needed to learn. But yet just waking up every day botheres me so much…
The first job I got it just so I could afford a gun to shoot myself with, haha, so that is true life….here this is true… I realized I couldn’t buy a gun from any store with hospitalization on my record (oh my god it is so terrible, that was my life plan, I was so happy to finally be out of here and that was how I wanted to go)… now I’m thinking if I can afford to pay off my car and then I can have my own vehicle then I can drive wherever I want to commit and I have my method down (but my god it is nothing like gunshot, which is so easy, so desirable and so simple) But so far I’ve been working for a year and a month and it’s been pretty much sh*tty as f*ck I think most days ..do I just quit and commit…. my biggest fear is hospitalization but I’m also afraid of people…. especially men. So far I’m not really close to finish paying a car. Mostly I’ve had to pay ten thousand bucks to the courthouse, they picked me up on marijuana use so please be careful. I got away smoking for 5 years then I was picked up a consecutive 7 times in a row.
Glad you still around although you probably dont share that feeling with me. I remember you comented on my first post here. Nostalgia… 🙂
Over here weed is not that big of a deal luckily. I understand the appeal of a gun but as I once told you my pref would be OD probably coz I really love drugs. And that shit would get you so high like nothing so you would just exit in a nice state of bliss 🙂
I would really like to pursue you into giving life another try. I understand if you choose not to, with all you ve been through and shit. Just if you do it, do it “correctly” especially with a gun I have red people that shot parts of their face off and lived through and there is really nothing more heartbreaking…
That comment of yours really ment a lot for me back then so thank you.
I am so lazy I would honestly rather be homeless and just lay on the street wasted every day all day, rather than work some kind of manual routine stereotypical job like at a supermarket. Maybe I will be able to find a job that fulfills me IDK. It probably all depends on whether I will be able to graduate from university (I wanna go study math/physics) . And that wont be possible with my current lifestyle. Thats why I said that I need to change my life soon or serious problems will come.
My life is god damn horrible and there’s no looking up from here. I can barely walk anymore. I’m 24, ready to commit. I planned to commit the day I turned 18, but that was ruined.