Never again… maybe

I traced the outline in the back of a journal. Beneath that, I wrote, “Never again”. I feel like it’s a lie. It’s terrifying knowing that I have control over what is about to happen and I do it anyway. I haven’t felt this way in two weeks. I think the truth is that I felt like I wouldn’t do it again because I could still feel the pain from the last time. In reality, I don’t think it’s about pain at all. I know it’s all temporary which leaves me with the idea of being in control. I like to see what happens in the aftermath. I’ve found that no one cares or no one is looking hard enough. Maybe I just really like the color red.