Last night I cried for a long time, over issues within my career, issues in my community. In the light of day today they didn’t seem worth crying over. This last few months have been a bunch of me sitting on the edge of the cliff of falling apart, looking down and wondering if I’m going to fall.
Then today happened. I had some really big personal rough news. News that I didn’t want to hear, and that news came right in the middle of me doing a timed, essential and unavoidable project. I just sailed right through it.
Which is what is so wacky about the thing. Why do I break down over the smallest stuff (I also broke down over a broken keyboard yesterday….) Then huge stuff I just take and deal with, no issue?!
I don’t know, really there’s nothing that makes sense in this equation.
“Maybe it’s growth”, he lied to himself optimistically.
9 comments
Hey cool. I just read your response and mine sounded similar to your post just now on here.
The ambivalence thing.
Perhaps you are competent in your field so much so that you can do things while thinking of other things and get things still completed.
I am not a psychologist or anything but perhaps you might be breaking down because you want to break out of the system and work for yourself or do things yourself but it is just too hard right now.
Does this sound correct? Because I’ve been there many times.
It’s close, because there are definitely similar issues at play. I have control issues, it’s something I’ve gotten a little therapy for, but am still working on. There is this illusion that if I had control over a matter it would make it better.
I call it the Batman paradigm:
Suppose you had all the money you could ever need, as well as all the ability and resources to execute on that ability. Do you think that would solve everything?
I mean, that’s an illusion I believe in pretty dang often, and I formalized this idea:
Batman has all the money he could ever need. He’s never shown to suffer economically.
Batman is very talented. He’s a genius that built his own super computer, in the 1960s. He also studies multiple forms of martial arts. He’s got all the resources to gain new skills, and all the resources to execute any project he likes.
His entire existence is him finding and dealing with issues in his personal life, professional life and social life. And then just when he gets everything under control with the villains, Alfred will get sick, or Robin will run away. Further, Batman will eventually grow old and die (minus supernatural interference)
There’s no escape from any of my issues, I’d be equally frustrated working for myself, actually more so. Regarding how I treat myself in a work context I’m frequently cruel, heartless and drive myself into long hours. It’s why things are hellish right now, my current gig is full time student which means I have potentially endless hours to manage. At the moment I’m managing to work the majority of my awake hours for up to 14 days straight. That’s not healthy, it’s a fixation and obsession in need of treatment.
I mean, there’s this weird lie that I can’t disprove; that if someone dropped my hearts desire in my lap I wouldn’t work like this…. It’s that same thinking error though. The illusion that things would change if certain conditions were met. I’ve got to fix myself as soon as possible…. but for now I just try to find contentedness with how broken and screwed up I feel.
I too agree with being “contentedness with how broken and screwed up I feel.”
I suppose it’s like the Batman paradigm you mention except with Batman going through the hard times a little more harder than is portrayed. Still he could pull off his success during more tumultuous times but at what cost? Is it all worth it to maintain what he has?
I think that is a good question too.
So it could be possible to be very successful and give Batman a bigger handicap but is it going to still be worth it to him in the end?
That’s where I agree with the being content of knowing how messed up I am regardless of my pursuit.
Batman may never quit with any challenge he faces but he probably wouldn’t mind doing some suicide missions from time to time — if he is successful — more power to him. He just becomes more badass and content with himself. If not, at least he knows he went out in a blaze of glory and would still likely be content with the outcome.
But I too know as a bit of a realist to take it one day at a time.
I have a cliff I know of near me. I can’t decide if I should jump off or not. I think I’m ready to commit suicide
Just take it one day at a time. If you have to commit suicide – maybe social suicide? Going to places you hate to fulfill something you need to do?
Nothings ever happened it my life I have nothing like that, no. I wish to commit physical suicide. The only thing I can think to do is go into the deep woods to shoot myself. I don’t have any sh*t like that….. really, I’d never do that sh*t
in my life*
What do you mean you had “nothing like that”?
If you’re trying to start a business I could give some ideas.
I too want to commit physical suicide at times. But I have my reasons. Had them many times.
I’m more of the social suicide guy. At least I can do that more times than the physical one – which would just allow me one success.