I remember a scene in Hannibal(TV series) where Will asked Hannibal about his childhood “What happened?” , and the answer was “I happened”. It is a very emotional and tense scene. The first time i watched i thought the answer was too arrogant, but now i understand. It’s true. Probably the best summation i can give for my life, especially after i fell mentally ill. Life before that was like a dream, a character’s life in a book i read, i can’t recall much. Not that i keep a vivid memory of all my activities since the illness, but the emotional aspect of this period(up until now) is so strong that it makes me prone to ignore the details. Meomory is a tricky thing, but it’s not the topic today. I had a mental breakdown few days ago, and i feld to a friend’s, she asked what happened, and i didn’t know how to answer. Nothing happened, really. It was a mundane thing, it might have an emotional impact but i was overreacting. Why would a exam makes me want to commit suicide?Why would a father never physically abuse me makes me want to crawl into a hole and hide forever? The point is, they don’t matter, what actually matters is me.I can see myself walk through these obstacles in a good day without breaking a sweat, but those good days are rare nor do they last. “Why do you have mental illness with everything you have?” I don’t know. I don’t know. It is futile to seek outside for a reason, now i get it, because i have been searching since i was ill, and the more i tried, the more i realized that it is not something happened outside, it is in me. And i realized, no matter how much people stress on change of environment, it is not gonna work for me in the long run. I know there are people in far worse situations and getting out of it will do them tremendous good, but that’s not me. No matter what i am doing, i know that i am just stalling. Delaying my death. And that thought gives a shred of relief, because i don’t want to hold hopes and to be finnaly disappointed. I don’t want to experience that bitter feeling again.
I think we are all cursed.
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I see the argument for change of setting in a whole different light now. I admit that fleeing to begin again used to be the ideal that I clung to as fierce as I could (believe me) but to me now even just the existing part is too much to bear (it’s no longer just the people, my resources, or the way I’m forced to live) on any planet, any dream would be uncomfortable and unsoothing.
I know that I have spent a long time searching if there would be any reason to continue living this life this way. I have found none. But I have mastered the art of pretending I don’t exist and blending into surroundings. I just have to work extra hard so I am not spotted and jumped. I am surviving but it is not by choice it is by necessity. And it’s not too much fun, either.
I hear you. Actually when i come to think of it, i kinda subconsciously try to bleed into the surroundings. I keep my eyes down and focus on the natural stuff, walk quickly and quietly,avoid the crowds as much as possible. Yeah i feel like you said, “surviving in neccisity”.
that was a terrible show
It has it’s merits too. And yeah it ‘s terrible in several ways: dramatize serial killer thing, make mental illness more romantic, ignore the cannon.
the movies and books are much better
The, Sun, had to rise. Even, though, it didn’t want to.
The rain, had to stop, I don’t want it, to. So, I must find.
=]
*Buzz. Buzz.”
The electric-device, sounded, once, back.
Hey, man. You’re not going to believe this. Remember, when I told you about, Red’s Charmander, well, guess who found it.. Yellow, did, and, now, they’re training together, along with their, Pikachu. Small, world. It gets even better, the kid, prevailed, and somehow, caught a Primeape; something about combining, their two powers together, and over some hat, dispute. Let’s see, what else. An epic challenge has been made, there’s going to be a great, battle, between, Red, and Green. All-right, man, that’s it for now.
We knew that, Green, would be using their, now, evolved, Bulbasaur, into, the Ivysaur. They still, only had one registered, in the trainer’s data. Red, caught, up, and caught, two, new, Pokemons, which has not been revealed, yet. It’s going to be interesting.
It’s been around a few a months, now. Us, we were out in the sea, in the big, blue. We made it there, to our destination, held within these barricades, of water. In their basket, in mysterious, in their aura; the truth was, just some humble, man.
We arrived back on time, to the place, and before the fight.
Blue; registered, three. Wartortle, ???, ???.
It was another sunny-day, out in the sky.
Green, as the highest-ranked, last, contestant, had in favor, to chose within the perennial, when in time to lead their action, proposed. They chose the longest-gap, meaning, we had a lot of time, to train.
We arrived, at the center. The atmosphere, was in favor, chosen, accurately, by Green, for their, Ivysaur, to obtained, in special-form. The myth was, this would achieve, a Solar-Beam, without, any delays. Such, indeed, would signify, their supremacy. But, here comes the trick, Green, so far, has only one registered, Pokémon, where, Red, has now, valid, two. What happens, next, after their only, supreme-attack, surely, their must be a delay, after the blast, if not delay, was the theory being assumed, then, this would, indeed, leave some form of gap, for Red, to perhaps, take advantage of, but with what, now, was the question. Surely, another fanatic, would suggest, the use, … of a fire-type. Indeed. Hey, but, the other, other trick, was, Green, in theory, still had the limit, to register, another, Pokemon, if by chance. Mhm.