Vultures or Sharks?

  February 10th, 2019 by nothermonkey

I’m a loving person, for some reason. People seem attracted to that, attracted to wasting my time, using me. I think they have no respect for the side of them that wants me around, so they’re always ‘helping me’ instead of admitting that my company helps them.

I’m intelligent and hard working, when I’m motivated, and it seems to attract people who say they want to help me, see me succeed, and then they end up wasting my time and ripping me off. And then I lose motivation, look back at years and years of failures, wonder why I don’t seem to have the boundaries that everyone else has, why I can’t just size them up and keep them at arm’s length.

I can’t stand so many successful people, they seem so shallow, their motivations the baubles offered by this soul-less corporate hell. It seems like those at the bottom are the most interesting, yet you get nowhere, in terms of being able to meet the basic needs, by hanging out with them. Isolation seems the answer, but that’s not what we’re built for. We’re social animals. The quality of other humans is very disappointing. I usually feel I was born in the wrong age, or maybe on the wrong planet. Humans are the least humane animal on this planet. I feel safer in the woods with bears and wolves. They just want to be left alone for the most part.

I’ve been waking up with thoughts of suicide on my mind for months now. Today I took the leap and started killing my life instead of myself. Putting assets up for sale, pulling out of my first business, which looked to have potential. I just couldn’t stand the person it was turning me into, and besides, I can’t support re-investing while letting myself get ripped off by the thousands, by people who were supposedly ‘helping’.

I don’t like the thought of killing myself while leaving a mess behind, so I’d like to be prepared in the future. Stay debt free, buy a high powered rifle and shorten the barrel. I want to be free to kill myself at any time, so that I at least know I’m here because I choose to be.

I applied today to enroll in a diploma program I’d dropped out of twenty years ago, when I was sabotaged by a manipulator who invited me to move in with him, and then moved out just before finals.

I’ve been meditating fairly steadily for the last couple months. It doesn’t cheer me up, but it makes it easier to exist, to let the bullshit just go past without comment. For some reason it’s been easier to quit smoking this time. When I had ‘reason to live’, I had no faith in myself. Now, I just think “Fuck them all. Fuck them and their addictions”

We shall see…

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