What I’m seeking

I’ve been accused of being obsessive, insensitive, single minded, all of which I feel like misses the point. Yes, I’m a mono maniac, I’m seeking something with every ounce of energy I have:

It’s hard to describe the conditions that create the feeling that I crave. I’ve tasted bits of it my entire life, just enough to get me interested.

I’m sick,okay?! I have a disorder where things that interest or arouse normal people don’t even register with me. I have to take medicine to function, meds to work, meds to sleep. I’m 31 years old and at times I feel as frail as my 93 year old grandfather was before he died. I keep a cane by my chair in case my back goes out. Existence is pain. It’s expensive and it is pain.

So I want to make the best of it. I look around and I see places I could fix things, a way I could function a bit better, and I chase it.

There’s a dream though; a lifestyle that I dream of. 26 hours a week of work. a heated pool I can swim in every day, and a sauna for my nerves. Somewhere that I can go walk. Coffee pot, an office with a wall of books and a big window looking out on somewhere green. Thick walls so I can’t hear the street, better still how about a few acres between me and the neighbors.

The best thing though; a big property, rolling hills, some underground quiet space, a workshop….. dreaming is nice.

Sometimes I sit up at night and I walk through this missile silo that I had a dream about owning for awhile…. it has the bones of what I desire. The money though…. I don’t see how I could ever get it, even though I’m not poor, being that rich is an unknown….

I keep hoping God will just drop it in my lap, as yet it doesn’t work like that. I just keep improving my cell, working a bunch of hours to distract from the pain, staying busy so that I don’t hurt myself. Sometimes I exercise so that I don’t have the energy late at night when I’m feeling down, so I don’t hurt myself…. other people love me and I guess I love them, but dang it, keeping me alive is a project, and dying is also a project….. I take the one that hurts less people.

I’m a sucker really, the empathy makes me suck up pleasure and pain all the same… but I can’t get how the rest of people work….

Sometimes I would do almost anything for VR to be able to work brain chemistry so I could figure out how other people actually feel. What the heck is it like walking around being grateful that your feet hit the ground, for when knees and back don’t hurt? What’s it like not being constantly aware of who’s frustrated? Are there people out there who don’t fear more than anything falling into alcoholism?

I don’t know. I keep saying it because people seem to miss that I haven’t a fricken clue about some things, and even if I have the information the chances are it didn’t process. They all like to tell me about how much I’m supposed to know, but…. I’m not that guy. I might be flexible, and plan ahead….

*shrug* I can’t communicate all this in any other way, and maybe I never will again. The point is that there is a destination, and a reason for how I act.