Hey guys 🙂 no matter what’s happening, it feels nice to have people left in the world who still understand me, who will still let me rant and cry. I don’t post often, but I’ve been here almost every day for the past few months. Even if you don’t know me, I know all of you, and I relate with your stories and feel your grief and pain. I feel that I should comment, yet I never know the words to say. All I can tell you is that I feel for every one of you.
In my little world, I’ve just spoken to my boyfriend about my weight. We’ve had this conversation twice before, and it’s never gone well. I wish I could say he’s the one who brought it up, but that would be a lie. I doomed myself and gave myself a fight I didn’t have the strength to win, or even to lose. It’s 2 am here, he finally went to sleep after talking all night. I’m so tired, and yet I can’t go to sleep with all the pain I feel inside my head. I have church in the morning, so I have to wake up in 6 hours (probably 5 after I finish this.)
He’s upset at my weight. He’s mostly upset about me continuing to lose it. I don’t know how to make this better. Everything inside me tells me I’m fat, despite the numbers that say I’m underweight. I can promise to stop losing weight. I might be able to accomplish that, eating extra food is so tempting anyway. However, I can’t gain weight. Not only because of the screaming voices in my head, I also have two dresses that I want to wear in three months. The one is already tight, I can’t gain weight, or I wouldn’t be able to dance in my recital. I can’t make my boyfriend stop worrying, although I want to make him happy, with all my heart. For reference, I’m 15-16 pounds underweight. I don’t believe it’s that bad, but I can appreciate his worry for me.
It kills me to know I’m hurting him. But I don’t know if I can get better, even without the added pressure of dance, I’ve worked so hard to get here, and I don’t want to give it up. This is my (messsed up) view of beautiful. To make myself less so… wouldn’t that be the opposite of something I would do for someone I want to think of me as beautiful? I don’t think I’m anorexic. I’m not that underweight, and I eat three meals a day (and snacks!) But I don’t know anymore. I put way to much value on the number on the scale. I’m not sure how to give it up.
3 comments
You can get another size for your recital, or get it let out. Might be tight because of the muscle you’ve developed to be able to dance, which weighs more than fat, is more useful, and yes well developed heathly muscle does take up space, which does make you being underweight that much concerning.. to be fair, the numbers for healthy poundage are more of a guideline, but if the physical appearance also supports the claim it’s not a good thing. You can’t dance if your body decided to stop supporting itself.
And you might not be eating enough calories at each meal to maintain your body weight, so even if you do eat enough meals the intake is insufficient. Dancing can take up a lot of fuel.
Healthy is beautiful, even beyond it being in the eye of the beholder. and while we can all be our own worse critics, if he thinks youre getting underweight hes worried about you being healthy. Being that weight won’t make him think you’re less attractive.
I can’t offer any advice on how to heal from anorexia (or the descent to it). I’ve tended to fall on the other end, eating a bit too much for comfort. I do know that there’s others here who have struggled with it, that there are different recovery forums online (one member used to talk about being on one), inperson help like therapists can offer advice as well, though with that it’s better to find one specialized in that area.. I do think getting rid of the scale might help some, but i hope someone else can offer better advice.
Thank you for your comment. I really appreciate it, and I hope that things get better for you, people like you shouldn’t belong here, yet I seem to find the kindest people I’ve ever met on this site.
Wishing you the best 🙂
We can feel you too. I kinda struggle with addiction which I think is somewhat similar thing.. An unhealthy mindset that leads to unhealthy coping mechanism. Just a thing you very well know is bad for you but you do it regardless. The best advice I can think of is to consciously realize and catch yourself when you are starting to think in an unhealthy way. You are not your thoughts. You are the consciousness that decides which thoughts to pick up and which ones to let go. As you say it may really not be that big of a problem but really, please dont even start with this kind of way of thinking coz it can lead you to some dark places one small step at a time… Its like I just need to lose weight to fit into this dress for the dance… But then some other reason can always occur… and then it will be I just need to lose a bit of weight (or not gain) because this and that… You get me. Please listen to your boyfriend. He means the best for you and I´m sure with his support you can get through it .