I know that most of the time lately I’ve been feeling better, and it would be better if I didn’t spiral just because some of the depressed feelings are starting again…
Life is good at least by all measures that anyone else cares about. I’m working on a degree in a double major I like, I have shelter, lots of stuff that I wanted/want, people that care about me. It seems like I should feel blessed, and usually I do.
No matter what I do though I can’t run from that feeling deep down that I’ve sold out. Worse still I sold out for cheap. For some petty creature comforts I’m working on one of the most difficult projects in my life, because deep down I like to work. My dreams, there’s no direction and no hope to making that happen.
It’s like life itself is the enemy that I’m at war with. Every day I find a way to put on a smile and fight my best and hardest. At the end of the day I come home to an uneasy truce. Life gives me just the barest amount of what I desire, without ever satisfying those deep desires that I try to keep stuffed down.
Everyone else seems easily satisfied from my view. There’s no one I find common ground with.
This is a war with two potential ends. One way is that my ideas and plans somehow happen. The other is I die unfulfilled, with almost no one knowing how hard I struggled for something I could never have. For a long time I deluded myself that by some miracle the first one would happen… but lately my relationship with God makes me think that he’s just as satisfied with ordinary, and with the things that satisfy other men.
At times like this it seems like even God has abandoned my hopes, the deepest things that make me hold on and hope.
Yet, I try and find some joy somewhere. I try and laugh, because it’s all a big joke. It’s a joke that the world gives people hope when all it deals in those areas are pain and disappointment. It’s really quite funny, and most comedy does come from pain. My greatest comfort is that most of mankind is in horrible pain and the only reason that self awareness brings these things to the surface is that I delude myself into believing in a life without certain pains.
Like a starving man with a small amount of food, I try to imagine and pretend it is enough, and maybe someday it will be.
3 comments
“Everyone else seems easily satisfied from my view. There’s no one I find common ground with.”
Walk among fellow humans.
Bingo.
Common grounds among the silent, unsatisfied masses. Complete satisfaction ain’t a human thing. We’ve all sold out. We have no other choice.
Yet we all seek it, it would seem the very basis of human motivation is sickness.
Yup. I envy my cats their satisfaction – food, clean litter box, some petting, and sleep. So simple. But not me (us). Down the path to satisfaction I go, with no end in sight. Or satisfaction!