Why am I so terrified of it? and any intimacy in general… IDK. I was always proud of being a rational person. Like I am a bit afraid of spiders but if I knew it isnt venomous or smth I would be able to hold a tarantula or smth like that coz I would just tell myself there is nothing to afraid of. But when it comes to intimacy my rationality just goes out of the window… I am just paralyzed. I ´ve been going out with a girl I really like recently. She likes me too and gave me very obvious signs that she wants me to kiss her but I just can´t . We´ve been on like 4 dates already and I didn´t manage to do it. I am afraid I may lose her coz I won´t be able to do it or its possible that it is already the case… I will hate myself for it like never before… There is no god and if there is one fuck him.. Why did you have to make me such a fking *****. I´d just once like to be fking normal.
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I feel like my weed addiction may be contributing to this. Today is the last day I smoke at least for a week and I mean it.
Kissing and intimacy sets us up for huge amounts of embarrassment and humiliation if things go wrong. That’s why it can be even more terrifying than physical injury or threats to our lives.
I think we all carry this fear, until someone is kind enough to tell us we’re a “good kisser” whether or not it’s true. Think of it, if you kiss this girl and she says you’re a good kisser, won’t your fear melt away instantly?
Well here’s the funny part. She doesn’t even have to tell you. You can tell HER she’s a good kisser and it’ll reflect back on you. She’ll associate you with good kissing and there you go, problem solved the back way. I guess all you have to do is work up the courage to make the move.
But I wouldn’t worry too much about waiting 4 dates or more. If she’s a nice girl then that’s probably increasing her expectations and desire. Only sluts (both male and female) will dump someone just because they don’t put out right away.
Thanks for ur comment. I think it doesn´t make her a slut if she “dumps” me for not kissing her for too long time. It would feel kinda awkward, especially coz we dont have any mutual friends and no one really likes to be in awkward situations. Or she can just see me as a friend or think that I see her only as a friend coz thats how Im acting out to her after all.
“Why am I so terrified of it? and any intimacy in general…”
hmmm I am not a mental health professional nor have I studied psychology in any capacity (except for from my armchair) but from my perspective, fear of rejection is one of the biggest influences of human behavior.
Fear in general, I would say, is the prime motivation for most people (fear of ______ whatever: losing respect/social standing/affection/money etc). But you mentioned fear of intimacy, which of course is quite common for many people.
Have you tried talking to your lady about this? As honestly as you can, just sharing what you’re comfortable with. “I really, really like you, and love spending time with you. If it’s ok with you, I’d like to kiss you, but I’m afraid of messing it up somehow.” You might be surprised how she responds.
This might sound lame, but you could also try writing this down on a card, and explain that it’s easier for you to write this down than to speak about it. (This might help you avoid getting paralyzed in real life)
The thing with intimacy, is that it’s a bit like jumping into cold water. Some people can cannonball into a half frozen lake and call that ‘fun’. Others, like me, on a blistering hot summer day will need to spend 45 minutes acclimatizing myself to the water (and will still feel cold/uncomfortable in it). Does this analogy make sense?? Perhaps you’re like a goldfish, you can’t just be dumped into a new aquarium, the shock of it would overwhelm you. Nothing wrong with slowly and gradually getting used to a new environment. You just need to figure what you need to adjust to this new environment called ‘intimacy’. You don’t need to plunge into the Arctic straight off and start swimming laps, it’s ok to take your time in a calm/comfortable/private place first and see what feels good for you.
Also, have you tried writing about what you’re afraid? That’s something a lot of people recommend, try writing/thinking out a few scenarios: worst case if you were to try to kiss her; best case scenario; most likely scenario. Anxiety sometimes comes from fear of the unknown. If you spend some time thinking and becoming comfortable with different possibilities (even what you consider to be the ‘worst’ one), you’ll be able to more calmly navigate this in real life.
“I feel like my weed addiction may be contributing to this.”
I think I’ve heard that heavy pot usage can increase anxiety – but I wonder if it’s possible that you might use weed to help treat your anxiety? We all self-medicate in various ways (alcohol, food, romcoms etc). Addiction is a medical issue, the symptom of a problem, and I hope you’re not beating yourself up over how you cope with your anxiety. Have you seen that ted talk about how rats only used heroin when they were alone? And when they were with other rats and had lots of things to do, hardly any of them touched the heroin. Lack of human connection drives us to drugs and addiction, I am convinced.
Anyway, not sure if any of this is helpful. I hope you can start to work through these things soon, it’s sounds like you’ve found someone who would love to help you through them too 🙂
Thank you for your thoughts friend, it really is helpful. I think fear of rejection is not the best way to put it. Its more like fear of the unknown as you said. Coz like if I had been rejected right away it wouldnt be that much of a problem and when I ask a girl out I honestly fear more that she will say yes rather than no. I also kinda stuck with conversation coz I really have nothing much to talk about since I mostly just go to school, play pc games and smoke weed at home or go out to some rave or house party and do party-drugs. And she really isn´t into any of that shit.. and ye not many girls are into these things…
Regarding the scenarios I am afraid, thats the thing that really annoys me coz like when I know she likes me and she wants me to kiss her I think there isnt really something that you could mess up, like I dont think that it can be that hard to kiss. In that case the worst case scenario is when I puss.y out and don´t go for it but knowing this, I still do just exactly that and thats what kinda bothers me.
About the weed.. I think I do it mostly to escape depression but I feel like it has it´s price in making me more anxious. Especially socially anxious (probably coz I always was a bit socially anxious around girls especially so I had it in me already). Like I couldn´t be high in school for example. I would freak the fk out. I smoke weed at parties and stuff and I can feel that it makes me more anxious but in case of a party it is usually overwhelmed by alcohol or any other shit. And I also feel like since Im smoking daily (for about 2 years now with a few 7 days long breaks) it may increase my anxiety even if Im not high atm. coz some of it stays in your system for a few days.
I have seen the ted talk and also many other videos on the Rat park experiment. Yes the weed is medication but it´s a double edged sword. It´s like that every time when you do any drug of choice not “to have fun” or to gain something out of it but rather to escape. It just becomes the solution to the problem that it is helping to create. Like weed helps me with depression and loneliness but if I just keep smoking weed at home alone (like I had been doing) I will only feel more lonely in the long run.
Anyway thanks for the time you took with that long-ass response. I really appreciate it and it helps to hear someone else´s thoughts. Also how have you been doing lately if I may ask? I remember your posts but I havent been here for some time mostly coz Im trying to stop ranting and change my mindset a little bit.
” I also kinda stuck with conversation coz I really have nothing much to talk about…”
That’s most people, isn’t it? Not many people are spending their evenings jet-setting off to Mauritius or to their skydiving instructor class or whatever. It’s not really what we do that makes us interesting, I think, but our perspective on matters.
Especially for relationships. I mean, companionship is the most important part of relationships, right? Which means that for dates and things, it’s perfectly fine/recommended to go out and do things so you can talk about it (“So what’d you think of the film/escape room” etc) But in the long-term (or even medium-term), we need to bond to our partner by sharing vulnerability. Sharing with your partner things that make you feel uncomfortable/scared etc, and being reassured that they still accept you.
Easier said than done, obvs. But that’s what makes love so delicious, in part, it’s being accepted by another. You share more and more with another soul, and they accept you more and more. My favorite author, R Scott Bakker, said in one of his novels (the prince of nothing series) that what we all want deep down inside is to bear ourselves, completely, to another person and be accepted. I think, to the degree that we can do that, that is what love is.
“Regarding the scenarios I am afraid, thats the thing that really annoys me coz like when I know she likes me and she wants me to kiss her I think there isnt really something that you could mess up, like I dont think that it can be that hard to kiss.”
Speak for yourself. I didn’t kiss anyone til I was 26 years old. I never thought I’d ever date anyone, especially the older I got. To be sure, technically I still have never ‘dated’, but, I am married. To that first fella I kissed, and we met through this website. Life’s kinda funny sometimes.
Anyway, don’t feel bad about being nervous about kissing. The very fact that you worry about such things, crikey as a female, that actually is appealing to a lot of us. (Just ask a girl, ‘Do you like Jane Austen?’ and if they say yes, then you’re golden) I recall reading about long ago a dating website for people looking just for companionship and not physical intimacy, or people who needed to go (for mental or physical reasons) very slowly when it comes to physical contact. It was initially aimed more at people who because of chemo/illness or whatever didn’t have any interest in sex, but look my point is: lots of people are fine with taking it slow. It’s quite gentlemanly in this day and age.
I don’t mean to pry (and you certainly don’t have to answer), but have you held hands at all yet? Spending time just holding hands, having a cuddle while watching movies, is so important for relationships. Basic physical affection is I think too overlooked nowadays, and we (just like babies) need it to lower our stress hormones and feel more calm and confident. Nothing wrong with just holding hands for a bit and getting comfortable with having a cuddle, and moving on slowly and naturally as you both feel more and more comfortable with such things.
As for the weed, that’s very common where I’m from (and legal), and in high school I knew people who got to the point where they would need to smoke another bowl (while high) to calm down. I’ve been told this done by people who smoke a *lot* of weed. I have also been told that there are different strains that affect anxiety and mood, depending on the person. You’re aware that smoking weed at home by yourself can create its own problems, and as lame as it sounds – and I think you know this is coming – but you ‘just’ need to create your own ‘rat park’ don’t you? Perhaps with your lady friend…? Love is on that list of ‘natural highs’ after all, it is very dizzying and consuming to fall in love. If you can learn how to slowly open up about your discomfort and fears to your lady friend, I don’t think she’ll reject you at all. Most people, especially when we talk to those we like, want to help others. If she sees you being vulnerable about something (for example, you saying you’d like to hold her hand or have a cuddle, but you’re not sure if you should), she’ll probably want to reassure you about it. So much in life we decide something’s a big problem when it ain’t. I used to be the queen of vulnerability issues, it took many many months of intensive effort to learn how to open up and share, but once you do, I promise you, your anxiety will go down quite a bit.
“Anyway thanks for the time you took with that long-ass response.”
Only response I know how to make…………..
“I really appreciate it and it helps to hear someone else´s thoughts. Also how have you been doing lately if I may ask?”
You’re very welcome, and thank you for asking about me, that’s incredibly touching. This month has been very tough for me because my dad died. Grief is exhausting you know? 🙁 I hope I don’t rant on here too much, but, I do enjoy replying when I can to others. Often the best way to cheer yourself up to try to cheer someone else up.
Oh nevermind I am sorry I have just visited ur profile and found out I had mistaken you for someone else with similar username that used to post here before. Anyway you can still tell me how you doin if you want, although I could probably read that in your post. I hope things will get better for you
Hey no worries, I actually did reply………my comment is awaiting moderation apparently?? well maybe you’ll see it one day…?
I saw it and thank you. I am really sorry for your loss. I hate my dad (so much sometimes) but naturally I would still be sad if he died. But like I said I think of myself as very rational person and I suggest you think the same way about it (ye its easy to say but impossible to do ofc). When my grandfather had died for example I cried and was sad for a day maybe but then I just went on and wasn´t really bothered by it. It may sound like I didnt care about him when I just brushed it off in one day with ease but I believe that the last thing he would want is for me (or anyone else) to be sad because of his death. He was a great man and lived honorable life and died with peace, everyone is going to die. There is no reason for grief. I still understand you, like with me with the intimacy. Some things just can´t be taken rationally. I´m sure you will get through it tho!
Well thank you for your kind words about my dad, it’s certainly complicated that’s for sure. When I was your age I wasn’t my dad’s biggest fan either, though in hindsight we think he had younger onset-Alzheimer’s which would’ve um affected his personality and reasoning. The thing of it is, however he may have behaved, I don’t think we had very high expectations of him. I think that’s how it is with most people we love, we don’t expect them to be perfect, we just want to see them being a bit kinder, a bit more gracious etc.
anyway. I wish I could brush this off, I think my brother is quite like you in that regard. Grieves for a day, has an ice cream cone and ponders, comes to terms with it, and moves on. I’m just too sensitive. That’s the problem with people like me, we’re like soft clay. Things that we should brush off, instead leave deep marks and indents on us that we’re acutely aware of forever. Regret too. That’s a tough one for me.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts though, I hope you’re able to come to terms too with your intimacy issues. Which, if you don’t mind me saying, I think are related to your vulnerability issues. You post on here, but face to face, how easy is it for you to talk to someone about your issues? Would you literally rather die than talk to a therapist about how hard it is for you to kiss a girl? Because if so, then I would humbly suggest that do what you can to address your issues with being vulnerable. Speaking from experience, solving that riddle will go very far for helping your relationship issues dissolve into a forgotten problem.
Good luck all the same, you’re a kind presence on these boards.
A lot of people feel as you do. This is a painful situation. But I see a good side to it too. Many people kiss and screw right away without first considering if their values are going to mesh reasonably well. Then it is only later, and often very painfully, that they recognize their values are way far apart and then they have a painful parting, or even worse, a pain filled ongoing relationship.
So, without the amazing dazzling chemistry of kissing going on, you too can give each other a bit more objective appraisals for a while.
By the way I get the friendship concept you mention. I was once in a relationship where the lady was not comfortable with a kiss. I think she regrets that inhibition now but it was actually a good thing back then. Looking back at it now I see she would have been a terrible mate for me and vice versa.
Hell, I could not even get along with myself back then.