Every day I just feel older and my body is more broken. I’m old (almost 60) and it hurts to stand, sit, lie down, or walk. Every joint aches and my feet, knees, and hips feel like they have been beaten with a hammer every morning. This is the reward you get for working hard your whole life – pain. I will be honest, I am not “in shape” and have never been thin or athletic (not pretty either). I also found out that no one takes you seriously when you are over 40, and some will come right out and insult you in interviews to ask why you are not retired or make some other snotty comment about your age. Really? I hope that every single one of them has to experience that same prejudice and ridicule when they get older.
Every day I hope I don’t wake up the next morning. I don’t want to work anymore because it just hurts so damned much all the time. However, I have no choice since I am not old enough to qualify for Medicare or social security. I have to work a job just to get medical insurance and barely pay the bills. It is obvious that no one is going to treat me with anything but contempt from this point forward.
I just want to sleep since I have absolutely nothing to live for, and no reason to want to get up every morning. No family, no friends, no kids, nothing. I hate traveling and there is simply nothing that I enjoy doing. I am sick of trying to be happy and perky every day just to keep the crap job I have found to make ends meet. Everyone at this company makes a point of making me feel unwelcome. Why did I have to live this long? Retirement is a joke that they play on you when you get old. You never actually get to enjoy anything because you are just too freaking broken to enjoy anything, or too poor, or both. I just want it over. Just so tired of being fat, ugly and old.
8 comments
I wish I could help you out. I have hit those same lows, but I am working on it.
Wish I could help you out too.
They say that for true happiness, even in a relationship, we should learn to be independent/value ourselves etc etc. All good on paper, and yet I for one know I do not have it in me to drag myself up (or even slightly forward). My husband is even now preparing a healthy lunch for us, he does most of the cooking and cleaning. It takes so much time and effort, I just wouldn’t be able to do it for myself even though I’ve always wanted to eat perfectly healthy, unprocessed meals.
I HATE saying this, but have you heard of Dr Greger and his book How Not To Die? Each chapter is ‘how not to die (from cancer/high blood pressure etc)’. One of them is ‘How not to die from suicidal depression’. Since we’ve gone plant-based, I will say that physically, I do feel a lot better. Just lighter – physically lighter too which is nice, and it really helped my skin.
God I really hate recommending ‘eat healthy to feel better!!’ – because look I’m still suicidal. Further, without my husband to do all the time-intensive healthy cooking (always always chopping and cooking and cleaning up pots and pans!), I wouldn’t have the energy to do it for myself. My husband and I actually met through this website, and we both believe in how much diet can affect mood/feelings etc. My husband has become tons more positive (we both have actually), and within a month of going plant-based my husband remarked, “It’s weird to say that it feels like even my blood is flowing better but it is”.
Dr G has a website and youtube channel (nutrition facts), we watch his videos every other morning while eating breakfast. The only reason I’m mentioning Dr Greger to you is because of how many people we see commenting on how plant-based diets have helped with their aching joints and chronic pain, Dr G even has videos explaining why plant-based diets help with things like rheumatoid arthritis. (For the record, Dr Greger doesn’t recommend any ‘diet’ per se, his thing is just finding good solid studies and sharing the results and letting you make your own decisions. Tell people the facts and let them decide, is his motto)
Anyway that said, will a plant-based diet help you? No idea unfortunately 🙁 In fact, just suggesting this may annoy you, and if so I apologize. I merely like sharing potentially helpful information (like Dr Greger), because who knows, perhaps someone else will see this and look up Dr Greger’s videos summarizing what studies say about depression and diet, and be helped a bit.
I’ve had my own health problems in the past, and know how much physical health problems can affect mental health problems. Fixing my physical health problems didn’t solve all of my mental health problems though, so there it is. It’d be great if solutions were that simple, and heck for some it is. But you know you mentioned not being thin, and that’s something very important to me, and thanks to Dr G’s tips I eat good lord but daily I eat gut-busting meals and for the first time in my life I am not worried about my weight (and pretty effortlessly keep my weight in the low 130s, with still plenty of treats). We just add veggies to everything (handfuls of spinach and kale to whatever we eat), plus have veggies on the side (eg boiled broccoli or sweet potato), then always try to add some beans to everything. Fiber really fills you up, and if I start to crave sweet things I know my blood sugar is dipping and need to eat more food, specifically fiber-filled food. I hate to admit it, but if I were even fifteen pounds heavier (as I have been in the past, until we found Dr Greger last year), I’d be a lot more depressed and suicidal. I feel so petty and dumb admitting that, but look, if you worry about your appearance, gracious but you are not alone. One of the reasons I am suicidal is I don’t want to shell out for even more therapy, because I need therapy for so many things. Including (but certainly not limited to) learning how to come to terms with my appearance, weight and aging. Wish I were prettier, wish I were just slightly slimmer, wish I would stop getting older……how much would it cost to find a professional who could help me to come to terms with that, and how $long$ would it take to finally come to peace with such things?
Anyway I’m sure I sound like a nut – trying to type this out quickly – please disregard this if it’s not helpful. I hope you feel better soon.
I appreciate the time and effort that you took in responding to my post. However, it is actually far to late for me to do anything with this crap body I live in. I am diabetic and have chosen to do nothing about it to expedite the process. I have been a fat pig my entire life, and it just seems to be where my body wants to be. “plant-based” or vegetarian, I could never do it since I have the willpower and discipline of a hungry dog in a hotdog factory (none). Adding to that is my lack of energy to do anything extra any more. I do all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, bill paying and most of the house maintenance projects. I can’t even get him to clean out the dishwasher, let alone help with cooking or anything else. I look at my husband as a mental patient since that is the way he behaves most of the time (spoiled temper tantrums, yelling his comments above all else, and all-consuming obsessions). I am not even in his top 10 list of things he cares about. For me, food is just another job I have to do, and I frankly put minimum effort into it any more. I used to like to cook, but that has not been the case for many years since it has become just a constant job. Simply put, I really just don’t even care enough to put the effort into my life anymore. I just do what I have to do every day to just get through it. I go to bed at night sad and depressed about everything, and I wake up after a few hours (ya, you don’t sleep well when you get old), and just roll all of the things I have to do that day around in my brain until it forces me out of bed to start the day’s work. There is not one positive thing in my life. No vacations (no money for that), no fun (never learned how to have fun), no enjoyment, nothing but work and responsibilities.
I look at the people around me and I just want to close my eyes and wonder why I worked so hard all my life and have nothing to show for it. They talk about places they like to eat, friends, events and activities, family, and fun stuff all the time. Me, I have none of that in my life.
I understand it is all my fault. I have built this prison and now I am living out my last days as a prisoner, just waiting to die to stop the endless pain.
Oh gosh my old boss was diabetic, I helped him quite a bit with this. He used to call me, with a great deal of affection, the best nag in the world. He needed to be nagged about his health because he wasn’t interested in taking care of himself. He passed away in January (cancer). I still have the Blood Glucose Tracker app on my phone that I’d use to track his readings, we got his a1c levels normal and got him down to half the amount of insulin…his was so pleased to stun his doctor like that. I had to move away just over two years ago, but I loved him quite a bit even when he was difficult. I don’t want to delete the app from my phone because it reminds me of him 🙁
Anyway. I hear you when you say you don’t want to try. My former boss, me. Like Andrew Solomon says in his ted talk: the opposite of depression is not joy, but vitality. Hearing him lose the will to take care of the dishes in the sink, that was too relatable.
““plant-based” or vegetarian, I could never do it since I have the willpower and discipline of a hungry dog in a hotdog factory (none). Adding to that is my lack of energy to do anything extra any more.”
sooo that is EXACTLY me. I wish I could be all smug and say ‘ohmygosh you JUST need to eat HEALTHY then you’ll feel soooo good and have SO much energy!!’ but um yeah no. Eating healthy is incredibly easy for me because I just eat what my husband puts down in front of me. Something that really bugs me, that no one ever talks about, is how much time (and energy) it takes to take care of yourself. We’re not supposed to be obese because of health problems/more expensive to society/drain on resources/hard on our loved ones when we die sooner etc etc – and yet we’re supposed to spend nine hours a day at work, probably an hour or more per day commuting, then hours more cooking and cleaning? We need to restructure society. Give people more time to have the energy and leisure to take care of themselves. I’ve always wanted to be very very healthy, and always have been conscious when I indulge in junk that I’m doing this because I’m stressed, and need to feel better, and need to feel better quickly and cheaply, so why not have the junk?
This is yet another reason why I’ve been so happy to hear about Andrew Yang’s presidential campaign, last year there were rumors he wasn’t actually running to win the presidency, just to increase societal awareness about the need to change society and make a more ‘human-centered’ economy with programs like UBI. He’s started insisting lately that actually he is serious about winning the presidency, but still, regardless, it takes a lot of guts to do what he’s doing. (His main platform is universal basic income, he wants to give all American adults $1000 per month…he will never win obviously but he’s been on Fox a bunch and it’s rather fascinating to see him many conservatives/libertarians are now supporting him, which is a relief because with AI and robots coming for most jobs we’re going to some day need something like UBI to help people out)
Also, please forgive me for saying so, but your husband sounds like trash. And kinda like me. I’m sure we both have our redeemable traits, but seriously even though I am sinfully lazy, even I prioritize affection (and gratitude) for my spouse. He should be exceptionally grateful for having a caretaker like you (I am grateful for mine), no wonder you are exhausted, taking care of a fully grown adult on top of yourself. If he doesn’t try to help meet your needs, then what good is he 🙁
And please feel free to disregard this bit of unsolicited advice, but if you have a lot of aches and pains, it does sound like inflammation (must emphasize here though: I am not a doctor). I’ve started eating every day a bowl of (thawed) cherries with other fruit I mix in (chopped apples, oranges etc). It’s delicious and a huge, filling, anti-inflammatory snack. One of Dr Greger’s big things is: “eat what you’re going to eat, just try to find ways to make it a bit healthier”. So he says, for example, do whatever you need to do to eat vegetables. If that’s add bacon bits, add bacon bits. When we have pasta now, for example, we add a can of beans to it (and handfuls of greens). And some oregano and turmeric/black pepper. Voila, very very healthy and VERY filling.
“I understand it is all my fault. I have built this prison and now I am living out my last days as a prisoner, just waiting to die to stop the endless pain.”
No, I don’t think it’s all your fault. I believe people are situational creatures. It’d be nice if we were all shiny diamonds and even dropped in the muck, we’d still make beautiful decisions. Not so. Bad times make bad people. Stress and depression can do horrible things to people. I’d be bitter if I were in your situation with a husband who’s like a mental patient.
Do you have a good book to read? Maybe something funny, like Dave Barry? Or how about ‘Deadend Gene Pool’, it’s a funny and easy book, I read that years ago during a horribly depressive time. At the very least, you can always come on here to vent a bit 🙂
Well, I honestly see no reason at all to care what happens to me. You seem like a rather perky and positive person, so just the opposite of me. I am anti-social, an introvert, and I would prefer to be alone than at any party, event, or even out in public at all. I despise walking down the street and have to deal with the “ugh, ugly fat cow” looks and comments. Last time I got on my bike, a jerk on another mike pushed me over at the stop light and told me to get my fat ass out of his way. Nice. That is the kind of thing that happens to me all the time. At work, I get the up and down look of “eeew gross”, so I try to stay at my desk and keep my head down to avoid the nasty looks. Shopping or going out in any way is a nightmare for the same reason, so I hate it. Any more, I simply hate food, cooking, shopping, so I just eat whatever is handy and easy. Simply put, don’t care don’t care don’t care don’t care don’t care. Just one more day I can cross off the calendar.
hmmm you do sound a bit like my old boss. He was put on antidepressants – not, he said, because he was depressed, but because his doctors thought they would help him care about taking care of himself. Honestly though it was obvious that worked best to motivate him to take care of himself was his little granddaughter, and well me nagging him, showing him that I cared.
Have you considered talking to a doctor about antidepressants…? For some people who are clinically depressed, they can work wonders. It’s not your fault the mechanism that regulates the release of serotonin in your brain is messed up, thereby making you depressed. Not your fault. But thanks to modern medicine, a simple tweak in your brain chemistry could be a world of difference.
Last time I talk about food, promise, but: my mother lost a ton of weight (140 lbs) over the course of two years recently. She claims it’s by having a tablespoon of coconut oil prior to eating. She says she eats whatever she wants, but it cuts her appetite in half. She always carries around a little round tupperware container of it, keeps it in her purse. And *whenever* I see her she reminds me about the miracles of coconut oil, and tries to suggest I try it, which makes me wonder if she’s trying to suggest I lose a few pounds? Anyway I think she’s just excited to be thin for the first time in decades. My mother has been extremely overweight my entire life (even as a teen she was rather sturdily built), and now she’s so unexpectedly bony, it’s very strange when I touch her shoulder or hug her. She says it took two months for the weight loss to get going, and in the beginning I think she was eating two (!) tbsp of coconut oil before each meal, but well she did lose weight very rapidly (probably too rapidly).
“Last time I got on my bike, a jerk on another mike pushed me over at the stop light and told me to get my fat ass out of his way.”
I’m a vegan pacifist. No driver’s license, instead I’ve cycled my entire life. But, I would totally shove a stick in the spokes of that jerk’s wheels. my god, some people
You’re not gross. Those people at your work are gross. I am never more thoroughly disgusted with humanity than when I hear about basic lack of kindness and empathy in others.
Hope you’re alright.
@oldcow : Pease read carefully what I am going to tell you. It’s terrible what you feel every day. Your life is a living hell. You cannot continue to live like this anymore. I don’t blame you for what happened to you. But you need to understand that you need to take urgent action now until it’s really too late.
“Simply put, don’t care don’t care don’t care don’t care don’t care. Just one more day I can cross off the calendar”.
No, you don’t need to live your days like this. In your depression, anger and lack of vitality you see no way out. But there is a way out. And as someone above told you, diet is very important.
But what he or she didn’t tell you is that you don’t need to become vegetarian or simply cook and eat vegies although this is very important.
You also need herbs, supplements, plant extracts to ease your pain. And this is just the beginning. In order to improve your life and stop living a nightmare, yes you need to ease your pain.
And if you work yourself to death, have horrible thoughts everyday (I don’t blame you, actually I think you are a much better person than you think) and just pay the bills although yes, they need to be paid, what you will experience will be lack of vitality, desire for nothing and meaninglessness.
Yes, your husband is dreadful. Again. Yes he is dreadful. You need to take care of yourself. You need to decrease your horrible thoughts although first it will seem impossible.
You literally experience hell. And it gets worse. And no death is not the end as so many would be atheists or “well meaning” scientists want people to believe. Please read some near death experiences and hell experiences. You need to gain meaning in your life.
You cannot live like a robot and hope to improve your life. Yes, people are cruel but there is also lots of beauty in life! Only if you could feel it! Yes, feel it.
You mentioned being an introvert. You should study spirituality. It would give you so much meaning in your life! It would also give you the strong certainty in a better afterlife.
You cannot live like this. It’s totally hopeless. It only gets worse. You need to do something different rather than think about suicide.
I am a total stranger to you, yet I care about you.
It doesn’t matter if you are old. You can start a new life right now. It’s only your belief that this is the only life that you could enjoy that kills life.
There are plenty of ways you could improve your life and escape from hell but I don’t have enough space here to write. Could you contact me? I can try to help you in serious ways and offer you some hopefully good advice. If you want I can post here my email address. If you say yes, I will reply here back in 12-14 hours.
And please don’t loose hope. Lack of hope kills life. Lack of vitality means no life. I don’t want you go to hell. It’s much worse there.
Don’t try to kill your body through exposure to illness. It’s the worst death.
Here is what I wish for you: that you experience love, peace and total understanding. It’s obvious that you failed to achieve these important things in this life. But you can still experience spirituality. This is never too late!
Please, let me talk to you and send you my email address.
“It’s obvious that you failed to achieve”
I don’t see it as your fault although I believe you have many things to learn. I cried when I read your story… This is not the first time when I read what you post here on S.P.