I’m in so much submerged pain, and I’ve reach out to everyone, yet the people closest to me are making this the hardest day I have ever gotten through without a breakdown, without cracking completely open.
My best friend was on the verge of suicide, and I called people to help, now I’ll lose my home if I let her back in, my fiance is mad and somewhat blaming me… and I’m torn up more than I knew I could be.
I feel utterly alone, despite being surrounded by people that love me
I can’t cry, and I can’t come to terms with what happened today. I keep blaming myself, even though everyone else says I did what I was trained to do, what I was told to do. my heart is breaking, and I can’t feel it. Numb entirely the one time I want to feel, I want to cry and let go…… just so hard being strong when I want to be vulnerable. If these sleep meds don’t let me sleep I’ll be up with the crisis line all night, trying to stay alive….
I know, I know, protect myself… but dang it…. there’s nothing left of me in this hollow shell. All humanity was drained away doing the hardest thing I’ve ever done…. and I get the perspective of everyone involved, everyone but me….. I don’t get who on earth this guy is, some jerk who prefers an alive friend to her respect, to her kindness….. I feel so fucking selfish.
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Being strong is not the opposite of being vulnerable. There is a huge act of strength in being voluntarily vulnerable. You have done what you thought was the best you could do and that is important. Don´t blame yourself man… Hold on… Things may get better with time. Everyone here is with you. We are here for you if you wanna talk.
thank you so much, this has been one of the hardest moments since I went into treatment, since I was hospitalized myself. I thought, that I could be strong enough to weather this… but strong isn’t being unfeeling. I’m crying a bit now, but it’s a good cry, and I’m coming realize that strongest men can cry, and understand that it doesn’t make them less of a man.
at the moment I’m just doing this thing one moment at a time, one day at a time after that, then back to a week at a time and soon enough I’ll see the sun again.
it just remains hard to accept, that I can’t save everyone, and I can’t put that responsibility on myself either…. I feel things so deeply, and one of those things is a love that wants to help others who hurt… this time I got too close to help.. . and I should have done what I did quietly. Everyone is telling me that I did right, but my part and failure in this is not being quiet about it.
Heros are vulnerability in action.