Rough Time

  March 13th, 2019 by Cause of Death: Suicide

I’ve been having a very rough time the last few years. I am in very much pain, mentally physically hell even spiritually. I have been trying to put myself down for 13 years. I have run into nothing but roadblocks. My one and only method that I held so dear to me for 13 years, I come to find out my state prohibits the sale of firearms to those who were put in involuntary hospitalization. And of course that was the only way I ever saw possible to get me the fck dead and out of this hated life, mind, and body. I was of course coerced into admitting that I planned to commit suicide by gunshot. And of course with me being so honest, is the only reason why I would say that. I honestly was just trying to say goodbye. I don’t know why they’d want to take away my ability to commit, of course I don’t love the people they are just aquaintence to me if not complete strangers. Why do they have to make voluntary suicide into a problem? (I do not make contact with those people anymore. It was very slim then. But I have a feeling they are just kind of creepily watching me from a distance… which actually just makes my life they’ve forced me to live much worse..) What do I do now? I can’t say I’ve wanted to live one day of these 13 years. And what was it worth staying alive? Who am I staying alive for? God knows I have no one. God knows I want no one and nothing. Do I try to buy one anyway? Last time I actually (couldn’t believe it myself – had been waiting on it for ten years) bought a Stevens 20 ga – I was followed (no idea who followed me and why the hell they would do that) and reported to the stupid hick f*ckers with the badges. I have spoke on this before – if any of you have happened to read my prior posts. In this case I fortunately had bought from a private dealer. Sometimes I think this scumbag had alerted the authorities. Let me explain to you how I felt upon being capable to buy this Stevens shotgun that I had been relying on, wishing for 10 years. I was in complete elation, I never believed my dream would actually come true and I would be capable of ending my life by the method I’d always wanted to use. Of course too good to be true.

That was three years ago. I don’t think of anything other than my need to relive that situation and end my life before ever actually returning home with the weapon in my car……

Now I am at a loss. How do I end my life now? Do I try that again through a different private dealer? Should I go about this differently. I can honestly say I would have chose death to any one day of those 13 years…..

I have thought this out very thoroughly for those ten years I waited on it and I am very sure that I want to commit by gunshot to head. I just guess I am scared I will be followed again and interfered….

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