Sorry to be posting again, but I really feel like I need to figure something out soon. I’m completely paralysed by indecision, and I don’t think I can go on like this much longer.
I have no idea how to choose, how to make decisions, how to act, when I have so much conflicting stuff going through my head. I want so many different, contradictory things at different points in the day, and it’s driving me insane. I don’t know what to do. I want to erase myself from existence, but I’m terrified of facing death. I want to end my suffering, but I also want to pursue fulfilment in this life. I want to be a better person, but I also want to pursue my desires, which might involve unfairly involving others in my dysfunction. I want to close myself off from the world, but I also desperately want to be known. I want to avoid the risk of extreme suffering in this life, but I’m terrified of facing worse beyond death.
How do you make decisions, without consistent values or beliefs? When your ‘heart’ wants one thing at one point in the day and the exact opposite at a later point? When your ‘gut’ warns you of conflicting dangers and threats? When it all feels equally vital and important and necessary?
I need some basis to make a decision, to act. I don’t believe in a religion, or creed, or anything much. I’d quite like to experience less suffering, but I don’t know whether that means I should be ending my life, or avoiding pursuit of certain desires. But I need some way of deciding.