hi, my name is milo.
i tend to hide my emotions and bottle them up until i break. everyday i force myself to get up and go to school and do what needs to be done. i’m okay throughout the day but as soon as i’m alone and it’s nighttime i breakdown. i cry myself to sleep everytime i realize that nothing is going to get better. i’ve been in the same spot for over 5 years now and nothing has changed. i was sexually assaulted by my ex-best friend, constantly being blamed for things that weren’t my fault, and my boyfriend of almost 2 years recently left me around a couple of months ago. i blame myself for the situation with my ex every single day and i know if i didn’t listen to the words of others and also let my emotions control my head none of this wouldn’t of happened. i became so selfish and i didn’t even mean to. i loved this boy with every fiber of my being. i felt real love for the first time and to watch him leave because of my actions was the worst thing i have ever done. i’m not trying to play a victim card here, i know personally these things were because of my thoughts and actions. i own a vent account on insta and i always talk on there but i just feel like i’m always taken as a joke. i wish my friends could see things from my perspective and not accuse me of being selfish. it sucks. i’ve been to multiple therapy sessions, mental hospitals and treatment facilities. none of those places helped. i feel so damn trapped and alone every single day and i see absoloutely no reason to be alive anymore. i’ve had people tell me;
“oh there’s plenty of things to live for!”
“what about your future?”
“don’t you want a family?”
“don’t you realize how many of us will miss you when you’re gone? please stay for us it’s the least you can do! just stay strong!”
none of these sentences help or make me feel better. if anything these sentences make me feel guilty and worse. i’ve gotten to a point to where i’m about to sell all my animals and cut off everyone i know. i’ve already started to notice how my friends talk behind my back, that hurts especially because i’ve known these people for years now. it just gives me another reason to die. everyday i find out something new and slowly but surely i’m reaching my limits. i’m out of options, i’m too anxious to talk to the national suicide hotline or even message them, and all in all, just so, so tired of being in this continuous loop. honestly the only reason i’m still here is because i keep getting too scared to die right before i’m about to pass my limits. this has happened to me twice already and i just want to leave. anything is better than where i’m at now.
9 comments
Oh yeah, with how horrible things are in the 21st century there’s nothing about life that is better than death.
Religion, one, now religion, two.
… This mesaic, procure, and the fool, led to me, that, I must believe, that this, may, be, something… higher. The, beyonder. The, X-Men, where I hope to be, will tell to me, the future. Because, I am, the, Siddhartha, and the one. The First, Queen, is, Elizabeth… the master, and hex. Adieu.
… to the, Matrix, this is, Neo! The true, son, of goodness, and of righteousness, of justice, and peace. How is this, game, over, now.. I did not know, for I could not believe that this could really be.. to this.. reality. So that I could finally be.. your devil, and your intertwine…, or not. At my master.
You’re a girl. You’ll be fine. People feel sorry for girls. Guys ask girls out. Imagine if you were an unpopular boy. There would be no hope.
Hello milo! The thing about your ex is that if you truly love him, you would have his best interest at heart and realise that you weren’t meant for him at that time. If his happiness matters to you then remind yourself that he will be happier without you and live with this knowledge with whatever amount of comfort it will provide. This isn’t to say that you are a defect. It’s just that the time wasn’t right. You made mistakes as you said, well. you live and you learn.
Other people who say stuff like those you mentioned don’t understand you at all. Not that I’m saying i do but i do understand how it feels to hear those words. If you want someone to talk to I’m available. I won’t pressure you or anything it’s up to you. If you do take up my offer my instagram is venuspoa with a tree as a profile icon.
If you think that no ones care for you realise that i cared enough to leave a reply. Hope this makes your day better.
I am not sure if it was because of your thoughts and actions. You sound like a good person to me, that was told stuff or your feelings have been misinterpreted. That doesn’t exclude calling somebody names. When I am angry it can happen but I didn’t have an intention to hurt somebody. You just don’t sound like somebody who treats others badly or guilttrips them. You say you hide your emotions and bottle them up. I do that too and then it can sound over the top but it doesn’t mean much. Ok, maybe sometimes it’s not good either but it wasn’t all me, you see, that’s why I actually held it back often, because it wasn’t my own impulse, it wasn’t the pure feel with a clear view. But the classical abusive people do not bottle up their emotions but use others for it and you just are not such a person. Clear case.
But please know in case I was wrong (which I’m not but you might think so), then it is some other misunderstanding. We don’t always get why we do something. Why we want to spend time alone for example. It’s perfectly normal thing to do, nobody should call you selfish for it or accuse you for it. Especially then it feels more like wanting to do so to get a clear head again and feel oneself. I mean maybe they just want to spend time with you and don’t understand you but maybe they like to blame others. (I feel, it’s a good idea to not meta talk these things with them). So yeah, you are an alright person :). I’m sorry for how it felt also, the way you write about it also proves you are a good soul. I couldn’t really express many feelings because I really wanted to almost rationally assure you that you are okay. But I could relate, you know.
I’m not quite happy with what I wrote as for paiting the picture as if your friends would just blame you. The thing is when you are true to yourself, soulful Idk how to say, ..most people are not like this and they don’t know how to handle it. And I assume you are because you write you wish your friends would understand your perspective. It’s not that they are not soulful either but they might be more groupmotivated. You sound more like an individual that the clueless society told a lot of things to. And sure we all make mistakes, I don’t know the full story. Maybe I also misunderstood something but then you wrote you became so selfish and in the same breath you added you didn’t even mean to. I feel you are misunderstood, I know this feel. I think you are naturally doing the right thing by changeing your environment and you’re gonna feel better, just hard to see from here you know. It’s so hard to put my feel into words, I hope I didn’t write anything wrong. Don’t do any decisions from atm, I know how it can feel but you gonna sort this out trust me, you’ll get a better idea of your identity, things will be better. It just can feel horrible when you don’t feel yourself and this happens when people don’t understand you. I been through quite a lot but the moment you can feel yourself and you know who you are, you could just take a walk and things are good 🙂 We got good healing abilities actually. It’s harder when you are Idk 35 because everything seems more settled but you can settle for something that feels right.
I’m sorry. I misunderstood something. You wrote, that you were blamed for things, that you got nothing to do with. So, you know that. You know you are alright but you don’t feel right. I confused this. I’m sorry. There is things that I hope are still inspiring but it might not feel right because of that. And I think you know who you are, you actually sound like a strong character but you don’t feel well. And I lost the page so I can’t express the right feels atm which would make you feel better. *reading again* You know I got the impression, that the main problem is blame and I wasn’t so off maybe. It’s true, on the one side you know you got blamed for things unjustified but I think you suffer from being not connected to yourself, something undermined you and I feel you get back to yourself and will be able to overcome it. This is the main thing I want to let you know because I know this from experience. But as for the relationship, a dynamic can get bigger than both in it. And maybe that’s not an issue of blame. But if he was okay and not bad to you, you’ll find a similar one, it’s always like that, you just attract the same things. I also know this from experience. I really mean someone you can love too, it’s different but you’ll be happy with him, he’ll have things you loved in him. You know when you find the connection within and you get a clearer view on everything and learn how to trust your gut which people are just not good for you, life does get better. In fact it can get really good.
I couldn’t really fully find the right words but I want to wish you all the best that you will feel better and that you will find people that can appreciate you, care about you. Because things can be resolved rather easily, just some people are so quick to accuse and don’t even care to solve anything. It’s just impossible to have a good relationship with them. It might be okay to hang out together, but it just always feels like alone with others. And then some people you might not even say a word to each other but you just both know and it’s such a relief. But yeah I didn’t mean really that you suffer from something, that wasn’t good. It’s just that when people don’t mirror back our identity it can cause this feeling and it’s also not healthy because of the whole energy of things. It’s not a healthy exchange and it’s only normal we feel as we feel because we are human, because of the good things and depth that life naturally has. When you are healing from this you’ll find back your sense of humour and you kind of overstand it, it can make you happy for having stayed true to yourself and it becomes a blessing in disguise. To me there isn’t any point in living this superficial life of simply existing and you are not alone with how you feel, it just can feel like it when there is a lack of decent people. And decent people are always decent, they don’t accuse others because they would hurt themselves with it. That’s why you can really trust your gut what is good for you.