I have these ideas in my mind of what my life should’ve been. Every day I get these little reminders, and it totally throws me. Just remembering that these things are still out there. Even though it’s not possible for me now. It cuts through the fog of my day to day struggle, and tells me ‘Look, remember this! It was real! This is what your life should’ve been! This is what would make life worthwhile!’. And then I remember why it’s no longer possible for me. Maybe it never was. And I don’t know what to do with that feeling.
I’m emotionally trapped in the past. And it hurts. The meanings I’ve attached to things…are causing me pain. And I don’t know how to stop that. Because there’s nothing else left for me. There’s no future. No relationships, no kids, no career, nothing I feel really passionate about. The only things that seem meaningful are in the past, lost.
All I’m really doing is running down the clock, trying to reduce the amount I suffer and avoid hurting anyone else too badly while I do it. But my emotions won’t adjust to that reality. I’m still hung up on things that I missed in childhood, and things that aren’t possible for me now.
I want to numb it all away. But I also don’t. Because I want something to feel meaningful, and important, and vital. I’m stuck in this cycle of pointless suffering.