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Going on four years

by namelessqueer

visiting this website.  30 years of life.  22ish years of depression and anxiety.  9 years since I tried to kill myself last. 15 years since I first started trying to kill myself.  None of these numbers feel like they mean anything when I hear my inner voice(s) telling me that I should jump onto the train tracks or that I should just stay in bed forever or that nothing I do is good enough and that I’m actually an awful person that no one really loves.

I think I need to increase my meds.  I’m starting to waver and worry.  Nothing I do will make these feelings go away and that really sucks.  All I can do is fight them constantly.  so drained though. I need to rest but if I keep moving that’s the easiest way of avoiding getting stepped on by the big heavy feet of depression.  I don’t want to be pinned to the earth but also I want to put a fucking target on my back and let it all go to shit.  I don’t know how long I can keep this up.

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GoodLuck2UAll 4/3/2019 - 11:43 am

Although I am only 17, I feel you. I’m not depressed. I don’t take meds. I am just going to die. Don’t let it go to shit, you always need a contingency plan.

Cause of Death: Suicide 4/3/2019 - 3:02 pm

13 years since I first started to try to kill myself here. All the numbers mean to me is maybe I am closer now to actually committing then I’ve ever been. No more of this miserable, horrible, distasteful life. I want to kill myself. There is nothing I would ever stay alive for. I always planned to kill myself by gunshot to the head when I turned 18 but then the wrong people started following me ………. I am now 24 and alive for no reason. The only thing I’ve been trying to do since 18 is kill myself I don’t know how though. I always preferred gunshot to head.

NDeath17 Jungle Baba 4/3/2019 - 4:45 pm

Wake up thinking about killing myself. Go to sleep thinking about killing myself. And yet some how I made it to 54. First attempt at age 13 last attempt two years ago. Stocked up on pills last week. Been blue dead 4 times and yet here I am. Convinced me that I can’t die till the right time. I hope you get past this time. Brain retraining. I try to use a Buddhist chant when I suffer negative thoughts. (om mani padma hum.) Stay safe my friend xxx

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