visiting this website. 30 years of life. 22ish years of depression and anxiety. 9 years since I tried to kill myself last. 15 years since I first started trying to kill myself. None of these numbers feel like they mean anything when I hear my inner voice(s) telling me that I should jump onto the train tracks or that I should just stay in bed forever or that nothing I do is good enough and that I’m actually an awful person that no one really loves.
I think I need to increase my meds. I’m starting to waver and worry. Nothing I do will make these feelings go away and that really sucks. All I can do is fight them constantly. so drained though. I need to rest but if I keep moving that’s the easiest way of avoiding getting stepped on by the big heavy feet of depression. I don’t want to be pinned to the earth but also I want to put a fucking target on my back and let it all go to shit. I don’t know how long I can keep this up.