I don’t know what to say.
My life is nothing but crap.
From family abuse to life troubles. But everyone has those.
Where I am different is that I’m confused. On my 18th birthday which was long ago, my father physically abused me. Giving me a blank eye and calling me stuff like “you are a worthless pethetic ******, get the fuck out of my house.”
After awhile of abuse from this day I have started to hate myself for everything that I am.
I am a worthless, shameful ******.
I have been trying over the past few months to get a stable job to get out of my abusive parents place.
About a week ago my father broke 2 of my ribs. I couldn’t go to the hospital. As my father would get into trouble.
(As you see we are one of those single income families, my dad is the only one working, so if he gets into trouble, the family will be on the street)
I’m here now after an abusive family encounter, crying, cutting myself and planning my inevitable suicide.
I am so tired of everything.
People say suicide is selfish.
And I am sorry for being selfish. But I truly have given up.
Years and years of crying. Pain and stuffing
Pain that has left physical and mental damage.
I hate myself for everything that I am.
I am stuck in a life where I’m gay. And I should be saying that is unfair.
But I guess it is.
To add to the reasons why I hate myself and why others hate me. I am also a proud and at the same time shameful Brony.
It’s there a place where I can go to just cry. A place where I’m truly alone. No one around, no one to care?
I want to go there.
All I can think about is the word “shame”
Shame for being born gay, you filthy scum.
Shame for crying, you pethetic weakling. Men are not allowed to cry. So harden up princess.
Shame for being a Brony. It is a little girls show. You disgusting cretain.
I’m just so sick of everything.
I just want somewhere to express my sadness without it joining my real life.
Thanks for allowing me to do this.
I just don’t know what to do from now on.
Everything is a blur and a haze from my tears.
I guess I am truly pethetic, useless, scum.
Please take care.
Live your life. And try and be happy.
Bye bye.
(P.S. I apologize for all the rambling and stuff.)
29 comments
Ground-zero, was right-here, the place, of the holy-spirit, in the bare. For, some reason, the messenger, was being killed. I believe, that the red, star, shall, finally explode, in a few more hours, from their, millennial, dormant, and, centennial, to slay, the Centaur, sector.. Like, a whale, saying, to the sky, a giant-gorilla, like, bloodied, and scarred, the universe.
The King, Bhuddha, version.
0:0
The whole thing about men not being able to cry is bullshit. Try going in the middle of the woods where no one will hear you. If you don’t have that try shoving a pillow over your face to deaden the noise.
That stuff you’re telling yourself ; shame, filthy, scum. Comes from hearing it from your father. and on top of that he’s beating you. He’s emotionally and physically abusing you.
If you don’t tell the police it won’t stop. It sounds like you just need to get out of there. I don’t know what country you live in but in America they have social services to help you find a place you can afford maybe get you a food stamp card and help you find a job and maybe provide some counseling. You need to get out of that environment.
@gary555 thanks for your kind words. As shameful as it sounds. I am not as young as you may think that I am.
Still, being what I am, is still very shameful.
Being gay, being a Brony, all that stuff.
Shame, shame, shame, shame.
Shame on me.
Another question.
What is it like to be happy? As I have genuinely forgot. Been so sad and depressed for so many years.
Enter, The King, Wu-Kong, like, the Comet, of, Spring. The glorious, one, of all, and compare to ya’ll, the real, mysterious, rejoice! Now, all at once. But, if you, did and dared, and in flames! The rod, became, in the name, of justice. The glorious, one, of all, and, in compare, to you, all. Praise, finally, the all-mighty.
The King-Bhuddha, verse, 0:1
You keep mentioning shame and I’m telling you there’s nothing shameful about being gay. Plenty of gays are proud of who they are but they don’t have abusive people screaming abusive shit in their ears. Wasn’t sure what being a brony is but if you like watching that show then it has value to you. You’re just being yourself. A person can only be themselves.
I’d say fuck what everybody else says and it starts with your father. If you want to see real shame look at him. What kind of a father keeps screaming this type of shit in his kid’s ear until he believes it. What kind of a father gives his kid a black eye.
The best thing he said to you was get out of his house, I agree. Get as much help as you can, Try and find maybe a friend or someone to live with. Maybe you could get on disability. I don’t know what country you’re from. And you HAVE to stop shaming your self because that isn’t real. It only seems real because you had it drilled down your throat forever.
I’ve had guilt and shame for decades. They’re really hard to overcome. A therapist could help you but you have to start talking differently to yourself. “I am Worthy. I am Valuable. I am Determined. I am Strong.” Just stop saying that other crap to your self because it doesn’t serve you. Replace them with the statements above.
Spike, and spike, it was, our identical self, but in perfect form, and, by, the resurrection, of, God, themselves, the, All-Mighty. The entrance. I suspect, not, by the third, but, by, the first, daylight. If the, Sun, came out..
The, rod, shall, strike, twice, at once, for the entire, world, to see, once, at, the, Moon, and once, on the, Sun. Ground-zero, may, be, during, glowing, light. Enters, Pollux, and, the, Gemini.
King, Castor, version. 0:1
@gary555
A Brony is a fan (mainly male) of the tv series, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.
Females can go under the Brony title as well, but they can also go under the title of Pegasister.
Enters, Pollux, God, the, All-Mighty. Identically, with, the same, black-hair, the appearance, of, Constantine, the, first, King, Of, Christ. From, Heaven, behold! My, begotten, Son! The Optimus, of prime.
King-Castor, 0:2
Of prime! *
Of, Prime!
In what form of evidence, I am, now, your servant, at your service, the way, that you were, mine. Come, your own wish, is, at, lasts, my own command, arrive! In what, form, for, to, you, that, I, beg, for, for, to, you, that, I, ask. To, Castor, and they pondered, about a giant-floating-pristine-pool, of fresh-pure-water, with mass, torrent action, to swim into, freely, and beneath, the warmth, of the, Sun, was, our, ultimate, wish. At, the, Supreme, Master, God, All-Mighty.
King-Castor, 0:3
Now, my, high, Son, what, wish, next, for, tide, unto, you, therefore. So, then, Castor, pondered, the great-Morphoses, and the new, King, of, Moses. The wise, and, the clever, of cleric.
King-Castor. 0:4
Wise, my, Son. Of, the, Cleric.*
Bisbain, your, commas, make your, post, totally in, coherent. You’re obviously posting well thought out advice but, with, *Those, commas, the @meaning, of your, wisdom, gets, lost.
It’s like if I would post “From the fifth plane he threw his javelin. God was not mocked. Silence fell as the cars stopped to pick up chocolate. None being any the wiser she was his and he knew it. Jesus approved. And then they were one.
Perfectly understandable right? But if I had posted the exact same thing with commas this is what it would look like and people would be saying what in God’s name does this mean?
////From the fifth@, plane, he threw, his, javelin,, God, was, not ,mocked: Silence fell, {{{as the, cars, stopped. to…. ***pick, up, chocolate! {{None, being, any, the wiser *she* was, his, -and-he-knew-it, Jesus ? approved!! And, then, they were, ? one. —Bill, Clinton, library, version, 0:2
Slipped off,now, she, knows ????
Is it rude of me to say that I never understood anything of what Bisban has been saying.
I guess I am a lot cause there.
Not to worry. No one understands his writings of this kind. But, believe it or not, he is trying to conversate. He has been on here for years. Sometimes he writes stuff that the rest of us can comprehend.
Most of the time he quotes religious texts and sometimes he just types random words. If you can understand what he is saying then it’s insightful.
Why am I even here?
Nothing matters anyway. I should really just end it all now…..
I have suffered enough already.
I know plenty of methods I am just to much of a coward to go through with them.
This is another thing I’m shameful of. Being to scared of killing myself.
What’s the point anyway? I deserve to suffer.
I deserve what I feel.
I’m just sad.
Depressed.
Worthless and pethetic.
You will be happy when I am gone for good.
Everyone will be. Hell I know my family will be.
Sad and crying.
It is all I do.
I’m sorry for everything.
It’s all my fault.
The failings of society.
My mental problems.
My sadness issues.
The governmental corruption.
The stupidity of the world.
It’s all my fault.
I’m a terrible person.
And I am sorry.
I wish I could prove how sorry I am.
But I don’t know how.
I guess suicide is one method.
After I am dead and gone I won’t be making any mistakes anymore.
I’m sorry again.
Deeply sorry.
Take care, who ever reads this.
I was thinking the other day. I’ve always been homosexual and I’ve always been suicidal (not because I’m homosexual but because I’ve had a horrible, terrible life) but I was thinking most homosexuals commit suicide and you always hear about it, it’s always the gay kids that commit suicide because how could they live a full life? Life to homosexuals is fear of heterosexuals, fear of violent assault, fear of people being fascinated with them because they physically LOOK gay, and since birth it is ingrained in a gay kids mind that you are NOT EQUAL and LESSER than the heterosexuals. They NEVER have the same opportunities as your heterosexuals. Some years I am barely permitted to leave my front door. I can’t walk anymore due to 3 years full of 160 circumstances of violent rape.
But hey, I’ve never thought life has had meaning and I’ve been planning to kill myself since 12 years old.
@cause-of-death-suicide
Ah, someone like me who attempted suicide at a young age. mine was only 8.
How does one push a child to attempt suicide at the age of 8 years old?
Reason for mine was, ever since I was born my father is an abusive man, he would come home blind drunk from the army just to hurl abuse at my mother and 2 older sisters, most times physically bashing them. after 8 years of this, 8 years of me crawling into the furthermost corner of my room crying every day that my father comes home to hurl abuse at my family, and the crying afterwards, I could not take it anymore.
so one night. I woke up late, everyone was asleep, so I decided to go to the kitchen and grab a knife. I then gabbed a piece of paper from the printer and a pen from the computer desk.
I wrote my suicide note. and had a shower. even though this was so long ago I can still remember the events so vividly.
sadly I failed in my suicide, I hit my rib cage, it hurt a lot.
I cried a lot afterwards, because I was so pathetic in committing suicide I could never do it right.
currently not many people know of my first suicide attempt, people that I do tell, think that I am making it up and that I am just lying.
then explain this scar on my chest.
I can’t really explain it very well. I knew if I couldn’t leave at 18, I’d never ever get out of the suicide trap, and guess what I never got out. I may have been able to get out at 19 or 20. Now the only thing left I can do physically or mentally is commit suicide. I was brutally attacked at around 21.
And like I said I’ve been attacked about 160 times since and it’s still happening frequently.
It’s like I don’t even want to kill myself as soon as possible but it’s like I have to or I will just keep being violently raped, and I don’t even know who is raping me or why. I thought it would end and then it’s happenef 160 more times and frequently. I’m not sure if it’s a pedophile or who it is. I think it must be someone who has been following me for a looonng while. Maybe since I was born. But then I just learned about corrective rape where the opposite sex will rape homosexuals to “teach them a lesson” and it actually just made me more afraid and freaked out. Why would anyone rape a homosexual? Do they do this to amuse themselves? Honestly I would rather be murdered than raped and I’ve bern raped 160 times.
oj1nDfKAHz, You have a lot of hits on this post, that means people care.
You are 18 and in a bad situation, it’s time to go i’d say, if you have a job great if not get one, time to move out leave the nest, get a roommate if you have too, i know a lot of gay people there is not one i don’t like and i’m not gay, gay is a label, black is a label, why? because this planet has 7 billion people on it and everyone is different that’s nothing to be ashamed of lot’s of labels, however birds of a feather should flock together why? because they have something in conman, in society everyone is accepted if people act the same example if you work in a restaurant as a customer i want to see a normal person doing a job, what’s normal? clean cut polite friendly doesn’t matter what your sexual preference is but don’t want to see anything out side of what i described as normal also as a boss i don’t want to hire someone other than as i described as normal bad for business, if your working in a gay bar i’d expect you to act gay that’s the bird of a feather thing. If the gay thing bothers you father which i’m not saying is right but your living in his house his environment he pays the bills his rules so act normal as i described, people will disagree with me on here blah blah but i’m just trying to keep the peace, i believe in freedom of expression but there is a right time and place and environment.
business is business no mater what label you give yourself, where you live as well, forcing or flaunting to other’s to accept you never works and creates tension. Being around people like yourself and i’m referring to everyone in general is more comfortable, i’m using gay as a example goes for everyone and all sexes beliefs and so on, what’s wrong with gay? Elton John is gay! millions of people go to his concerts! the people going like his music and accept he’s gay, they are coming to see him they are followers. that doesn’t mean if he dressed up in a chicken suit wore those big glasses and worked at the local steak house it would go over so well! of course if you didn’t know who he was, but people would flock there if they did but he’s famous.
Boy everyone going to give it to me! all i’m saying is this is not a perfect world far from it. everyone has to know how to play the game and when they don’t have to. there is a time and place for Self expression, the more you want it you have to create or be in the environment. This is a good place right on SP you can say what ever you want everyone understands, But talking to a doctor telling him you feel like killing yourself there’s a good chance they will lock you up and place you under observation, time place environment. a lot of people will disagree with me but i don’t make the news i just report it. also not saying any of this stuff is going on i’m just assuming it from what i read. i get things wrong a lot of the time i mean no harm, good luck!
@rocketman
I have been burnt 2 times from jobs because of what I am in the past.
(and I am not 18 years old I am far older)
the 2 jobs were
A Trolly collecting job for my local (was local, dont live in the area anymore, moved away long ago) supermarket. My boss found out that I had Asperger’s Syndrome. So she went on a hell fire campagain to sue me, a then 16 year old kid for hundreds of thousands of dollars of damages that I apparently made. when if you ask the shoppers there the damage was long existing before I even started.
It turned out that my trolly collecting boss has an Asperger’s child and does not know how to control them. so she just took all her anger out on me publicly. Because of her actions I am banned for life from that shopping centre.
the 2nd time was several years later at my 3rd job. (MacDonalds)
I had ben working at MacDonalds for about 6 months. My boss one night yells at me during dinner rush (NAME) why are you f-ing taking so long to do orders, your averges are 5 seconds too f-ing long, you have been working here for 6 f-ing months. what is your f-ing excuse for not hitting the targets.
I replay, I am trying my best boss.
my boss replys not f-ing good enough. I want you to see me in my office now, THIS INSTANT.
I replay, ok, yes boss.
My boss then very loudly rips me to shreads. my family was in the dining area and they heard everything.
I then had to admit that I have Asperger’s Syndrome and that I pick up things a little slower than everyone else.
But that was not good enough. I was sent home early that night.
I guess that is another reason why I should be ashamed. being an Autistic f-ing freak.
I am going to cry silently now…
(why am I such a pethetic retard. I need to end my life, I am never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never good enough.)
(I am sorry you all are reading my petheric ramblings, I think I should just delete this post, close my acount and disapear. no one should care. no one.)
I’m deeply, sincely sorry.
bye bye
oj1nDfKAHz, Good response!, well thought out, polite , and understandable terrific, i look at your paragraph and said that- kid- person writes better than me? And he’s slow???? Then WTF am I? Should I kill myself and get it over with? no hopes of staying employed? Sweet Jesus I’m fucked! 🙂 Had to make a point:)
1.) I’ve been fired several times and at the time i wasn’t thrilled. I deserved most of them!
2.) working for McDonnells not going fast enough! You picked the wrong thing to do that’s production I’D GET FIRED TO! That’s a terrible place to work fast paced lower end pay. Your lucky they fired you! however it’s better to leave on your own terms! 🙂 like! ” Hey meat head! I’M OUT OF HERE! You have no business skills or people skills What so ever! you think the way to make money is to speed people up twice as fast instead of figuring out how to make the business more efficient, any Moron can whip people! McDonnell Manager! What did you do before this job? were you Stealing hub caps? i’m writing your boss you know Clown! Tell him your a bigger Clown you just need a suite! 🙂 A little pay back!!!
Really your making more of this than you deserve! Don’t get me wrong you need a job talking and working with people anything but that type of Scam Job!
like your writing style! it’s like mine CAPS!
Feel like i’m reading my own stuff!
Hey I’ve been through a lot! More than you i’m still here! 2 divorces, can’t count the live in’s! JUST SOME GIRLS! can’t even remember their names!
LOST MY ASS 3 TIMES! CAME BACK FROM NOTHING 3 TIMES! TOOK YEARS! I’M STILL HERE!
You get the idea you can’t snow the snowman or in this case Rocketman!
Sorry if were going to talk i want you yo smile sometimes. 🙂
You want to hear someone say JUMP! JUMP! Not me! especially from what i heard you just need to find the right job and move out. LIFE IS NOT MEANT TO BE EASY FOR ANYONE, YOU MAKE IT EASY FOR YOURSELF. Yeah been through all of it, had hair down to my butt! before it was acceptable! i was called a hippie! had to work non public jobs, it goes on and on.
stick around and it will get better everyone fails at things your suppose too!