I keep telling myself, I have nothing to lose so I can only gain. But then I still continue falling deeper in the downward spiral.
I was a quiet child when I was young, I had no friends at school and I would wander the school fields aimlessly at break times, thinking to myself wild fantasies and great becomings. I was never bullied, but I isolated myself from all the other children. I wanted to be alone. I would sit in my room all day and keep to myself, and the only person I could truly talk to without worry was my elder brother. Despite being four years apart, we walked the exact same path. His mindset was nearly identical to my own, and we were friends until the end.
The downward spiral began at 14 years old. My brother bought a pack of marijuana, I tried it for the first time and liked it. Sneakily, behind our parent’s back, we’d smoke it in the garden and stare at the night sky, wondering of odd things and talking to one another about even more confusing topics. It was the life, and I enjoyed it. Until one faithful day, he walked up to me and showed me a small white pill, “Ecstasy” he called it, and invited me to a party of small friends. I’d never been to a party, and if my parents ever brought anyone over I’d hide in my room to avoid talking to them. I was questioning taking the pill or not, but in the end I took it anyways.
In just half an hour, my personality flipped. I was suddenly a courageous socialite whom everyone at the party talked to, I could converse about topics for hours on end without stopping. I felt amazing. This life, it was the life I wanted but never could have. I yearned for more, if drugs could do this to me, what else can it do?
My drug use was mild and innocent at the start, but it started tumbling down very quickly. I noticed my brother acting strange at times, talking with vigour and going days without sleep. I did not question it, until one day he came to me with a
round glass pipe and a bag with a small, gleaming grey crystal in it. I knew full well what it was, and it answered all my questions concerning his behaviour. I did not care anymore. I wanted to feel good.
He taught me the ins-and-outs of the use of meth, how to correctly move the lighter under the glass pipe so it doesn’t burn or crack, and how to hide the fact that I was high almost every day. I was a 14 year old meth addict, and my parents were none the wiser. Barely caring for my own well being, I indulged in daily usage of the drug, until the one day I was fated to be caught, smoking meth with my brother when we were under the impression that our parents were out at work.
I was sent to a clinic, I denied any form of depression or anxiety and said that the drug usage was simply peer pressure. The psychologists and psychiatrists could not prescribe me medication unless I admitted to having a mental illness. Three agonising weeks spent in that clinic, with constant withdrawals until I was released. My brother, who was an adult, refused to enter a clinic and took a loan from my parents to live elsewhere, taking up a low wage job at a gas station to pay back the fees he could not afford. The obvious outcome was his suicide. Hung himself with a belt, it must have been a painful and slow death, fitting for what he had done to me.
My school career was ruined. The drugs had consumed my mind, and I failed grade 12 twice. Now 19 of age, I did exactly the same as my brother. I quit high school, took a loan from my parents and rented an apartment in a shitty part of the streets where no one would bother me. My usage of methamphetamine started once more, and now I can’t stop. I lied to my parents, saying I took a job as a cleaner for an unnamed company, with them caring none at all. They wanted me and my problems out as soon as possible.
Now here I am, a junkie who’s lost the only person I cared for, lost all trace of a positive future, and sitting rock bottom. The rocks are slowly breaking away, spitting me even deeper into this maddening abyss. I have no future. I have nothing to lose. I feel like taking my father’s gun and showing everyone else a glimpse of the torture I have endured, before ending my own life. The only thing I have left is my cracking, demolished mind. I am painted with hatred.
Now everyone will know my hatred. All of them.
10 comments
Woah. Hang on. Don’t do anything against anyone else. Trust me, it won’t make anything better. Don’t let rage fuel you. If you do anything, only do it against yourself. You will be in a much worse situation if you hurt anyone else.
I thought I was an atheist until I realized I’m a god.
I smoke weed a lot. I have smoked meth one time, it wasn’t that bad (as in, one hit didn’t feel too harmful besides I had a blister on my lip) but of course, comedowns must be horrendous… oh and I get where you are coming from, I have spent 90 days agonizingly in the mental hospital. Good god that is almost 3 month… Anyway, sometimes I think I want to try heroin because I hear it is peaceful to OD on. I look around for it sometimes but never too safe if you don’t have any good connects. I haven’t found any, but I’m still working on methods and what might work the best
Hurting others will do nothing for you. It’s an utterly pointless gesture. Even if you decide you need to end your own life, there’s no reason to harm others.
It’s not god or anyone’s else job to love you, it’s up to you not to hurt yourself. Hurting YOURSELF and blaming other’s because you fucked up is really the highest form of a sore loser PUTTING IT MILDLY! Stop losing and do the right thing. And yes it’s the meth talking here not you get the fuck off it. Don’t tell me you can’t I did.
I know how you feel. It’s your soul suffering from the inhuman frames that are put around it. The feel nobody would understand how you feel. There is people who do understand you and through which God speaks. You cannot hear it from those who cannot empathize with you and it seems as if there is no God (those are lost people). It’s a lost world or maybe there is hope but please know there is a God. It is especially your soul, connected to it. All the trouble in the world goes back to not understanding ourselves and we did hurt each other in the process. I mention that so it gets clear why there is a God. I’m not sure if I can find the right words. You can start new, don’t feel pushed, that always makes us not want to do anything. The thing is there is always a way if we can see a bit of light and pick up faith. I’m sorry for what you experienced, you just wanted to feel as you naturally would if you were not lost 🙁 I pray for you
I want to add, the anger you feel is good for being done wrong for example. When it goes right, this anger is always expressed outwards. It gives you new courage and you see things clear. SOmetimes it’s misdirected and it can land on ourselves. for example: You realized something from a situation where you felt how you would behaved differently or seen it simply your way. (sometimes we do the right thing but we didn’t really see it and then it doesn’t express). If you feel like you would have to learn something, that’s when this anger expresses wrong because you already know it which is why you came up with it. Sometimes it can feel like having no ventile and I hate this so much, it just makes me really angry in itself. When you feel your anger, you wouldn’t want to harm anyone else, although it can be really strong, but it’s alright to just feel it. It can make you creative, it can make you improve your life, it can make you go for what you know you want to go for in this life. It connects you back and it frees you from these attachments. I know exactly the feel but when you see it right, it resolves. You also remember to differentiate between people you can’t stand and people you like. You can be a good guy you know. A strong guy yet surely with your true feelings.
I mean strong anger comes with strong imaginations, when we been wronged, those are not without harm to others and are more metaphorical to how we feel. But usually it’s a defence thing. Actually after anger comes relief and all the good things which is why you don’t want to harm anyone. There is also many ways to express your feelings through what you say. You could write out the things you really felt you would have said. It helps to connect back also. I mean those things come up by itself and imaginations can also be very healing.
Ok, I put that in a confusing way. It’s not about own behaviour. It’s more about seeing a situation. I try to make this more clear. Let’s say you are at a supermarket and the cashier for whatever reason choses to not greet you. Before accepting this situation one could also see how it’s something like absurd. Nobody wants to be not greeted, not noticed. So before you would react to it emotionally, you would actually feel like: Hello? What about a greeting. And you would say it really confidentally because the person did greet everyone else and of course you would point that out or that’s how it feels. There isn’t much anger in it because it expresses the right things about this situation. Sometimes situation can be outright stupid and I mean this in a relieving sense because it can also be the case that we were hurt while the situation seems stupid and that can be really hard then to respect one’s feelings, meaning to see it while atst then realizing the situation as absurd. It usually happens when you compare it to something sane which is often like the lies that slipped through the fingertips of the person who did it. It’s like it doesn’t even make sense. Something like that I meant.
This just paints another confusion. Of course everything is okay with our emotions. Many situations need exactly that and yeah it’s there. It’s not about finding something that not makes sense. When you see it right, you feel right and you say the right things. That’s what I meant. Just normal life.