I’m not a writer, I cannot start this in an eye catching manner that will entice the reader to continue. I can only speak what I immediately think, and have thought for years.
I have only ever attempted suicide once, and it was an attempt to burn myself to death. I cannot say I appreciate the person who ‘saved’ me, as I haven’t exactly enjoyed life since. The only reason I don’t end it today is because I don’t want to intentionally harm myself, as to avoid literal physical pain. I say that though, and I sit here and wonder what the difference is from intentionally cutting yourself, or burning yourself, or taking enough medication to OD, from that of what I do in my daily life to not care for my physical well being anyways?
I don’t brush my teeth often, I don’t go to the dentist, I don’t go to the doctor when I’m sick. I literally was pissing blood for a month, and went “Well that sucks.” then continued on with my life until it stopped happening, only to be disappointed that it wasn’t some form of cancer that would of ended me by now. I have a tooth that fell inwards one day at work, and I spat out a piece of said tooth only to go “oh, alright.” and continue on with my life. That same tooth has continued to rot, as I neglect it, along with many other teeth. I have many other random medical conditions that are diagnosed that I hope end up being worse than they actually are.
I regularly lose contact with friends that decide they no longer want to associate with me after many years of continuous association, because I maintain a self destructive personality. As each friend leaves me, I feel better for them not having to worry about my inevitable death than I feel bad for myself about losing someone to talk to.
My mentions of perpetual desire of death ever since I was a young child only make my family members hate me, rather than show any movement of support to my existence. Even if they showed some level of support now, I’m too far deep into the basic idea of “why the fuck with anything anymore?” I see no reason to continue living. The only reason I don’t intentionally end it is because I don’t feel like harming myself, I just don’t make an effort to do anything that would prevent my death. I get cut at work and hope it leads into some absurd disease, rather than making any effort to mend my wounds. I eat shit off the ground because fuck the best thing that could happen is I die, worst thing is I get a little sick for more than a day.
I’ve fallen into deep levels of alcoholism to replace my mental gymnastic attempts to accept the people around me, going to work drunk, going to school(when I did) drunk, going anywhere in public drunk. If I had access to drugs, I’d probably take those instead of buying alcohol. Maybe I’d be better off. Being medicated under fully legal circumstances didn’t help, just made me more of an outcast because I ‘had to be medicated’ rather than “just being normal.”
Why am I even posting here? I do not fully know. I’m not even really suicidal, I just want to have never existed. But to some, those are two of the same. Sometimes I wonder, if I get intoxicated enough, would I even feel the pain of suicide as I attempt it? I run into as much of an issue of ‘is it worth killing myself?’ as I do with ‘is it worth staying alive?’ Both are pointless events, it’s not like anyone would care either way. So I may as well wait to die naturally, and hope I die of some bullshit reason sooner than later.
At the end of the day, I can only hope I find my reason to concede to life, or my reason to concede to death.
3 comments
Hey, Dude.
I read it all, and i took it all in. It’s clear you are somewhat unmotivated to help yourself because that’s how little you care. I’m just a stranger, but it’s always good talking to someone. I think i can relate to a lot of what you said. I don’t make an effort to do anything with my life, i’m here to just end up dying one day and have nothing left to show for my life. There would be nothing to celebrate. I think about suicide and i want to harm myself or for something to harm me, but i don’t do it because i’m unmotivated. It’s not like i go out enough to be in any danger of something happening to me outside. If it’s a work colleague, someone on here, someone in your contacts, family. You need to speak to them. I want to die, but i don’t really know the reason as such, so i get what you mean. I don’t care about myself enough to help myself so i understand you there too. People come and leave your life, but there’s always someone who will stay. Waiting for that person is the hard part. You need to find something that will motivate you to want to stay. It’s difficult to find that, but keep going. Even though i’m just a stranger, i believe in you.
I hope this helps, or that you feel better soon.
I am here with you, kind of like walking on the line not understanding a reason for either and then sometimes when you want to die just not wanting to have to endure that pain of dying even though you are ready….
I guess it’s just would have to be when the pain of living exceeds the pain of dying then you take the leap.
I just think of like, I don’t know, for example, how many casualties there were in Operation Barbarosa or like, Pearl Harbor and how many people are already dead… if you have the choice, why stay alive when you could be like them.
Kind of like how some religions mutilate woman’s genitals or when ladies have to wear hijabs to go to the market so men can’t see their faces… why stay alive?