At work…at home.. i constantly see this in life and it is a profound question i have always wondered. Why do people do things in one way –a way that is dysfunctional, maladaptive, unhelpful and hurtful — instead of another even when alternatives exist and are presented to them?
My mother is a bit ocd about certain things. For instance, the silverware drawer cannot be left open so they do not become “contaminated.” Yet the sink is never cleaned, covered in mold, mildew and likely e coli and salmonella bacteria.
I cleaned it today. It took about 7 minutes. The sink is now spotless, clean and pleasing to use and look at. Her only reply was to mention it smelled bad due to the bleach lingering in the air. Yet she will benefit from this day after day until it becomes dirty again, yet will not clean it but be displeased to use it after it becomes filthy again.
At work they complain they have no energy, are depressed, lonely and don’t make enough money. Yet they smoke cigarettes, eat junk food, and spend all day sleeping or on the computer.
I used to cut myself, beat myself, drink pints and pints of liquor. Have been slammed into the road headfirst through a window. In jail. 10s of thousands of dollars lost. Opportunities destroyed….
I learned and changed and reap the benefits, though i continue to suffer setbacks.
Is it ignorance? Well what if you present the better alternative to them and they still deny it?
At what point is it simply someone’s fault if they are failing in life? Is it beneficial to try and support them when they are not willing to support themselves?
Why are bad habits and poor choices so difficult to alter even when perfectly logical explanations and alternatives exist and are presented to people?
Is it because their ego will not let them admit what they know rationally is true?
How do you help such a person?
I’m not blaming the victim. We are all the product of our environment. Change is difficult, opportunity fleeting..etc.
It simply perplexes me how we can look at multiple options and knowingly choose the one which we will regret and will harm us instead of those which will mend and uplift us.
life is very complicated
8 comments
Today, for the first time, I got insight into the very questions you asking, which I will sum up as why do we do proactively harm ourselves and our futures? The answers are far to complex to pursue here but I got great insight into these questions from a book entitled History of a Suicide .
My take would be that we’re operating in a very complex environment with very basic hardware. Not much call for cleaning in hunter gatherer times. Very few possessions, no computers or addictive substances, and little understanding of how the world really operates. We’ve evolved to react instinctively and habitually most of the time, rather than trying to view things logically. We develop patterns of behaviour and ways of seeing the world in our early years, and it takes something pretty major to shake us out of them.
I doubt you can fix someone else’s thinking for them. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink.
I saw a speaker recently who said that quote about horses near the end. He talked about someone asking how you get someone to do different and that you cant make em drink, and At one of his other events someone said it’s true you cant make em drink, but you can make em thirsty (salt licks make horses thirsty). He ended it with “be the salt of the earth.”
Fun fact.
@freeroma: I like the sound of that – sort of like leading people to want to improve themselves in order to follow the example you set?
Exactly
I agree with what @thehusk said. I have read self-help for years, trying to help myself. Only recently has it dawned on me that I don’t seem to respond much to rational, scientific advice. It doesn’t seem to make much of an impact. Whereas something like watching an inspiring character in a movie can really affect me. I think if you view humans as strictly rational beings who should respond to your rational arguments, you’ve missed most of what it is to be human. This is partly why I think we would probably be better off reading more fiction, and less non-fiction, if we want to better ourselves. Because novels teach you about people simply by exposing you to them, rather than by rattling off a list of studies and advice based on those studies.
As to why people don’t change, I think we get stuck in feedback loops. People don’t (necessarily) eat junk food and smoke cigarettes because they are stupid or don’t know it’s bad for them. Rather, life hurts, and junk food and cigarettes ease that hurt IN THE MOMENT. Unfortunately, that relief comes at a higher cost in the long term, and the debt must always be repaid. So they eat junk food, smoke cigarettes, feel better in the moment, but then later, they feel even worse, probably ashamed too. Life hurts even more. Which increases the desire to relieve the pain by eating junk food and smoking cigarettes. And so on.
One reason is bad habits, like an addictive gambler he will always be unhappy and broke even if he wins, usually doing responsible things aren’t fun but they need to be done.
If you find the answer, please tell me. I have been wondering this my whole life. I do not do what I know to be good, but what I hate I do. This tends to lead to a lot of shame and in turn I go back out for another round of self sabotage. I want desperately to stop, but I don’t know how.