i am packing up my supplies, writing my notes, booking a cabin in the place where i spent my summers at growing up, and going to end this excruciating pain, once and for all. call me selfish, but i simply won’t live this way so my 23 year old son can tell his friends that i died a natural death.i know he loves me. he knows that i love him. he will be pissed off, but he will survive. i m done with this pain and anguish.
8 comments
You sound determined. I hope all works out for you, Spooki. Sorry life is what it is.
You know at one time I would have said I understand and happy trails to you, But I had pain and anguish for year’s and was ready myself but I changed my mind at the last moment I still have everything ready it’s put away, I put it away around 7 year’s ago, said to myself Rocket you didn’t try hard enough! you already had your mind made up and quit trying, well I said to myself “I talk to myself all the time” 🙂 I said Rocket if you want thing’s to change your going to have to roll up your sleeves and fight! Well I did just that and slowly thing’s they got better and better, and I’m happy I did, life now is 100 times better! I’m not saying I HAVE IT MADE, But it is worth living now. SO think carefully.
Spookichick I read the last few posts by you. You said your sons wants you to die naturally and is only wanting to talk via text and you said your mother is a HUGE source of agony for you and your son also doesn’t want you to walk away from her.
I don’t find anything wrong with your ‘thinking’ here (the way you worded your post) and you deserve some peace too.
I wish I could help you feel better somehow and hopefully it helps to tell you that in my opinion I say go for it and may it be a peaceful exit.
If you ever need to vent I’m bayaud on kik and I’m always around especially if you need me. I’ll stay up all night talking and if you want to call just hit me up on kik and I’ll give you my number.
Did things with your neighbor spark this decision? Because his “proposal” wasn’t on anything you did, and his life and actions aren’t dependent on you. He needs some help, not the kind you can give him although you were being a good friend to him, he interpreted it wrong and after being told that still wanted to take it too far.
Also I can understand your sons viewpoint. You said awhile back that you wanted to cut ties with all your reasons so you could fight *just for you*, not so you could exit.
your son probably knows about that cutting of ties. It can be hard talking to someone suicidal, especially a parent, especially when he knows you’ve attempted before. He might need to distance himself (like just texting) to try to help him process things. Or to lessen the blow when you decide not to have him in your life anymore.
And he doesn’t want you to live a natural life just to tell his friends that. He doesn’t want you gone.
And re your son not wanting oyu to cut ties with your mother, he might see it as not wanting you to isolate because that’s a pretty common known step before suicide. Not that he wants you to suffer for it or knows why that relationship is painful for you.
Hi Spooki, what happened? What has led to this impasse? You’re my favourite poster on SP. You have helped me tremendously with your kind words so I’ll help you if at all possible.your son doesn’t give a fuck about what his friends think he just cares about YOU. Friendship in this world is transient, not worth the paper it’s written on. FAMILY is all there is. Can you reflect calmly on your next course of action or is the pull of suicide too strong? I’m rooting for you to survive. Take care .
Good plan, I’ve got to do the same here as soon as I get the chance. I’ve been waiting to commit for 13 years, better get on with it.
Planning to catch the bus in itself brings relief. It gives us the feeling we are doing something about our pain. Catching the bus is your call. If catching the bus is a preemptive strike, then it bears rethinking. Once you get to the cabin you will have a time for reflection.