I finally met a girl that was interested at the age of 29. We met in a mental health clinic. We had talked a lot there and kept in touch via email for a few months after. I was still basically homeless and definitely jobless and she didn’t care. She gained 80 lbs or more from the time we first met to the second meeting and at the second meeting informed me she had herpes. I didn’t care. I thought we had a lot in common and, looking back, I guess I assumed a lot too (I don’t know. I’m fucking stupid!). Anyway I believed her when she said she couldn’t get pregnant because of her meds and 7 months or so later she was pregnant. Now it’s been 9 years and I have struggled to get her to realize that she blows all her money foolishly and without regard to our child or even my needs while I save all my money (I now get s.s.i.) and end up spending it on stuff we need, when we move, when our car breaks down etc. Our child was taken from us by the state when she was 10 months old because a lady on the suicide hotline lied about what I said and after the ***** who worked for the state got involved, well, there was no way she wasn’t going to take yet another child away from their family, especially if they were paying her for it.
I’m so miserable most days.
I do my best to be respectful and decent but just because that’s what’s right. If you ever do the right thing for it to come back to you just know that the world isn’t kind so don’t hold your breath. Just the other day trying to be helpful on another site and the site admin attacks me for the thread title saying it’s against their rules to not match the content, which that’s not a rule. The dumbass bills himself as a misfit but acts like a fascist. It got me upset as hell for a day but fortunately I’m learning to just leave when this happens and distract myself.
I hate myself and my fucking life.
I keep imagining my dad’s funeral and all the reasons I shouldn’t go and I’m not going to go. Everyone will think I’m all upset but I will be celebrating. He’s got this diamond ring he wants me to have and I have been telling him to give it to my nephew but he doesn’t want to so I’ll take it and sell it. I don’t want a fucking thing to remind me of him. I don’t even know why I still talk to him but really it’s because he has ruined it with my sister’s for one reason and another and I’m too nice to let his dumbass lay in the bed he made and be alone.
I hate myself!
Now I’m in a one sided relationship and she just might attempt suicide again if I leave. I love my daughter too much to allow that suffrage on her so here I am trapped.
I hate being alive!!!