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I hate myself.

by LostInside

I finally met a girl that was interested at the age of 29. We met in a mental health clinic. We had talked a lot there and kept in touch via email for a few months after. I was still basically homeless and definitely jobless and she didn’t care. She gained 80 lbs or more from the time we first met to the second meeting and at the second meeting informed me she had herpes. I didn’t care. I thought we had a lot in common and, looking back, I guess I assumed a lot too (I don’t know. I’m fucking stupid!). Anyway I believed her when she said she couldn’t get pregnant because of her meds and 7 months or so later she was pregnant. Now it’s been 9 years and I have struggled to get her to realize that she blows all her money foolishly and without regard to our child or even my needs while I save all my money (I now get s.s.i.) and end up spending it on stuff we need, when we move, when our car breaks down etc. Our child was taken from us by the state when she was 10 months old because a lady on the suicide hotline lied about what I said and after the ***** who worked for the state got involved, well, there was no way she wasn’t going to take yet another child away from their family, especially if they were paying her for it.
I’m so miserable most days.
I do my best to be respectful and decent but just because that’s what’s right. If you ever do the right thing for it to come back to you just know that the world isn’t kind so don’t hold your breath. Just the other day trying to be helpful on another site and the site admin attacks me for the thread title saying it’s against their rules to not match the content, which that’s not a rule. The dumbass bills himself as a misfit but acts like a fascist. It got me upset as hell for a day but fortunately I’m learning to just leave when this happens and distract myself.

I hate myself and my fucking life.

I keep imagining my dad’s funeral and all the reasons I shouldn’t go and I’m not going to go. Everyone will think I’m all upset but I will be celebrating. He’s got this diamond ring he wants me to have and I have been telling him to give it to my nephew but he doesn’t want to so I’ll take it and sell it. I don’t want a fucking thing to remind me of him. I don’t even know why I still talk to him but really it’s because he has ruined it with my sister’s for one reason and another and I’m too nice to let his dumbass lay in the bed he made and be alone.

I hate myself!

Now I’m in a one sided relationship and she just might attempt suicide again if I leave. I love my daughter too much to allow that suffrage on her so here I am trapped.

I hate being alive!!!

10 comments
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10 comments

rocketman 5/26/2019 - 5:54 pm

Wow! yeah you had your share of crap! Can’t wait till things turn around for you. It can happen.

LostInside 5/26/2019 - 10:53 pm

Sure it can..sure. The day I die everything will change.

I’m not really sure you’re here the same as all of us. You seem to have the positivity that doesn’t reach those of us who suffer from depression on a daily basis.

Not to be insulting but you seem as though, if you were ever depressed, it was fleeting and now you are that happy person you say you have never met because you can get sad.

Having been depressed and having depression are two different things.

You try standing up with the weight of a mountain on your chest and then tell me how possible it is.

LostInside 5/27/2019 - 1:23 am
SleeplessMind 5/26/2019 - 11:56 pm

I say leave the relationship. Is it better for your daughter to have 2 unhappy parents? Perhaps the state would be able to grant your daughter back to you if the mother werent in your life.. it was a hotline call on the mothers behalf that caused the child to be taken, right?
Just a thought. If I overstepped, forgive me. Thought it may be a solution for both you and your child.

LostInside 5/27/2019 - 1:15 am

It was my comments that got the state involved.

rocketman 5/27/2019 - 12:05 am

Well i’m not going to go through the whole story, A bout 8 years ago I had the hood and everything needed to go with it I was ready not just talking about it I came here to learn how to do it get info , I changed my mind because of a few positive people on here and I’m glad I did 🙂 So what would you have me do? Come on here and be negative? That’s how I could repay my debt of gratitude? I am still depressed on a daily basis But I learned how to deal with it better and better, that’s why I’m around and I don’t believe this site is souly to the exclusion of all else to talk about killing ones self. 🙂

Now Mr. LostInside perhaps I shouldn’t have responded to your post, yeah it was long ,it was sad ,it said so many things that were so depressing I really didn’t know how to respond, but I wanted you to know someone was listening, lately I’ve seen a lot of zero comments on post. So I apologize for the generic positive comment. Now am I out of the dog house? 🙂

LostInside 5/27/2019 - 1:25 am

You can be positive but these idealistic views, like anyone can be happier and everything can be better, is kind of insulting to those of us under real mental health issues that aren’t fleeting.

I’m glad you are out of the dog house but maybe you could find a way to give positivity and not generic ‘pat on the shoulder’ comments.

“It can happen.” That’s not helpful when it really can’t.

I won’t ever get back the years with my daughter I’m missing will I?

rocketman 5/27/2019 - 1:47 am

I understand now.

nomorepain461 5/27/2019 - 1:09 am

hey guys! life sucks! but seriously, protect your heart and your money. you deserve joy and happiness somehow. im listening and i can hear your hurt. and rocketman, you are so classy!

tiredofchronicpain 5/27/2019 - 8:36 am

I agree with OP here. I don’t think it is our place to say “it will get better” when you are agnostic about a person’s life from the get-go, and when one can only loook at demographics to convince yourself life sucks for the majority of us. We aren’t here playing a game of chess, we are brought here by misery. I find unicorns-and-pixy-dust comments akin to the pro-life groups; childish and a king hit to someone situation taking the time to post here. We are all here because we are darkened. I always try to help people on here and leave them to their own decision instead of spotting endless platitudes that we know doesn’t work.

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