Lately, everyone else in my life seems to be feeling their luck change or life starts going their way and I seem to be trying as hard as I can, yet nothing. I keep crying hoping it will be my turn, yet it never seems to get there. Everyone says have hope life gets better, yet after all of this time, life seems to just drag on and I can’t keep going like this. I keep a lot of this from my friends because I know it would scare them if they knew what was going on in my head. I don’t want them to think its their fault because at this point this is what I want. Life doesn’t seem to get better like everyone says and I am getting less and less afraid of death. I want to hold on to hope, but I don’t know how when nothing seems to change and every time I drink to try and numb the pain at least a little, it doesn’t work. It just makes it worse so I try and smoke and that helps some. I feel like nothing is going to help and no one seems to be able to listen and it isn’t their fault, I am not letting them in, but maybe someone might notice one of these days? Care enough to try and help me out of this despair and depression. I just feel so alone and I don’t know how much more of this I can take.