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Loneliness

by Teresa's Child

I don’t know. It’s not usually a problem, but it’s hard when you like someone, but you know you’re too different to even be friends with them in a meaningful way, let alone go on a date or something.

Hell, I haven’t been on a date in two or three years. Even if I wanted to start, I wouldn’t know where to begin. And I don’t necessarily want to start, I just want to have a conversation with someone I’m semi-interested in, as far as first impressions go. Without being weird about it. Is that so crazy.

Okay, so I admit my intentions are not pure in this case — I don’t want to just be friends. But, first dates are just to get to know people anyway. Don’t get what the big deal is about them.

I think, analyzing my interactions with this person, I haven’t done anything too crazy. I gave a challenging presentation about something I was interested in, which she didn’t understand (which might have made her feel stupid?), and then ignored her for a bit because someone else was talking to me. And then I apologized to her about it, and kind of dumped some of my anxiety about how bad the presentation had gone on her head.

But really, that’s it. Not…that…bad? I mean okay, I’m not the smoothest stone on the beach, but ever since then we just haven’t talked. We’ve ignored each other. Me, ignoring her out of fear, my paranoia getting the best of me, and her…well I don’t know why she’s ignoring me.

I mean…I haven’t done anything…wrong? Maybe it’s just a bad fit. I don’t know.

How does this whole thing even work? I hate that I have an ulterior motive. It makes me feel immoral somehow. I want to let this go, because it makes me sick. Make a mistake once and you’re human, make a mistake twice and you’re a fool.

I’m making the same mistake the billionth time. What the fuck does that make me??

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Cause of Death: Suicide 5/18/2019 - 9:06 pm

Oh so like you’re gonna tell her about something you like and then not talk to her for a while and then talk to her so she’ll do intercourse with you? Nice! Do her 😉

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