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Lost Memories

by shatterediris

I’ve been thinking about this more than usual as of late…. I have a fairly large (several years) gap in my memory where I don’t remember anything from that time. I remember a lot on both sides of the gap, so I know it doesn’t just come down to being too long ago to remember, also the gap always existed, I remembering being bothered by it suddenly. I remember going to school one day, and I mostly just knew who my teacher was, I did not recall any of the people who were apparently my friends, and since that time I “remembered” other things in that period, but I hate that I will never know if those memories are real or not.

 

It bothers me, knowing that I have this, really it feels like I wasn’t even alive during the time. Felt like going to sleep then waking up suddenly 3-4ish years later, except I knew I hadn’t been sleeping the entire time, and I knew what year it was and even what day it was…. I just could not remember anything about the day before, or even from any recent time. It was jarring once I realized it, which took awhile.

 

I sometimes do worry that this might happen again, and I’ll come back into being in like prison for the rest of my life or something else horrible.

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rocketman 5/29/2019 - 11:40 am

Not sure of the causes for that? It’s all speculation.
Our self defense mechanism may kick in and repress memories of a period for one reason or another.
Or that time period wasn’t really interesting not worth remembering.
all I can remember about being born and brought into this world was getting spanked on the ass and forced to cry! Said to myself oh great! They hate me already and I HAVEN’T EVEN WROTE A STORY YET! 🙂

shatterediris 5/29/2019 - 11:49 am

I started remembering life at around 4, my earliest memory is trying to do cartwheels and then being told that I had to start going to preschool and being upset by that…. Which I was not upset for long because then I realized I was in my body and didn’t understand why or how that happened. That’s kind of the point in my life that I can point to to being when I became sentient, since then I remember most things and at least remember several moments of each year, except for that gap…. And I have no other moments where I didn’t remember something that happened only a few years ago, or even yesterday. -_- It just felt much different, like I didn’t even live through those years almost as if somebody else was in my body (which I know is not the case, but that’s how it feels)

I have some ideas about some very bad things that might have happened to me around that time, but I don’t really remember them, the only memories I have of them are very dream-like and I don’t at all feel like reality, and I can’t be certain if I didn’t just make them up or not. I can’t be certain, and I never wanted to tell my counselor about them because I probably just imagined them and might be overreacting. And the entire memory gap thing if I mentioned it he would have asked questions, and it would have made me look crazy.

rocketman 5/29/2019 - 12:21 pm

I honestly don’t remember much at all that early on, only a few glorious moments, like you said. That’s why they take pictures! When your young.

And here’s a picture of you in a cute bunny suit I dressed you in on Easter!
No way! Gee thanks! I was trying to forget that!

And here’s one of you running naked in the back yard!
Or this one your face making your first poo poo!
wonderful! is this the only copy? have you been planning to black male me after all these year’s!

Heavens no! I just made 100’s of copies! of these and many more! i’m sent them to all your friends to enjoy!

AXYZ 5/29/2019 - 1:00 pm

Welcome to old age. What I mean is that it is normal to forget large spans of time, and the older you get the more normal it is.

The first time it happens it’s shocking like you said. But imagine a 60 year old person who has forgotten ages 25-30 or even ages 45-50. After a while your brain is cluttered with so many daily memories that your brain just starts dumping things.

In general the memories that made deep impressions will stay with you. This means traumas as well as triumphs, whatever engraves itself. The rest, such as the name of the boy who sat in front of you in 8th grade science class, will simply vanish. Probably for the best. It’s like throwing away all the useless junk cluttering your house to make room for new stuff.

shatterediris 5/29/2019 - 3:22 pm

That’s very different though, because it wasn’t like being 60 and forgetting when I was 30. It was being 8 and forgetting when I was a bit past 5 until then…. Even not remembering my friends, like I went to school and didn’t know any of the people around me, this wasn’t right after summer either, it was some time before winter break happened in 3rd grade. :/

AXYZ 5/29/2019 - 8:03 pm

Oh I see now. So the amnesia was basically happening real time. Were you on any medication at the time? I experienced bizarre memory lapses when I was on antidepressants, nothing as extreme as yours but a lot of times when I would find myself in a certain room and have absolutely no idea why I went there (weird places like the garage).

But barring chemical reactions, head trauma and assuming you’re way too young for dementia, maybe rocketman is right and it’s a self defense mechanism blocking out something traumatic that you can’t handle. The mind is a weird thing, sometimes it does things for its own good and other times it seems to self destruct.

shatterediris 5/29/2019 - 10:36 pm

I was not taking any form of medication at the time, no. At least not that I know of. (I can be almost certain that I was not on any sort of drug.) I didn’t have any head trauma either, I’m certain I would have been informed of it if I had. That also is the only time I’ve ever had this happen and the memory gap is of course still there, it still really bothers me though…. It has bothered me for most of my life, mostly just because every other sort of year of my life I more or less have at least a memory overview of how it went, with those I really don’t. I have one bit of memory from 2nd grade, but it feels like it happened after 3rd grade because I didn’t gain that until the summer before 4th grade, but I know that if it even happened it was from 2nd grade just due to the teacher involved, I have no memory of who even was my 1st grade teacher, nor my second kindergarten teacher…. I remember the names of all of the other teachers I’ve had during my life though :/
It just is a thing that bothers me that I really haven’t talked about much at all, I do sort of worry that something horrible might have happened at some point during that time just due to some of the nightmares I have, and due to something that feels like a memory but also feels very dreamlike so I’m not certain at all. I just hate that I will never know, and I can’t ask people either because they either won’t know or will have a lot of incentive to answer in a particular way.

I really really really hope that I never have this happen again, but I want to believe that it won’t because I feel alive now, and I’m insane enough to actually think that if I wasn’t going to remember this time of my life that I wouldn’t feel alive right now…. But that is just denial. But even that twisted logic doesn’t protect me from that happening again, because I could just sort of instantly blink to being 80 and not remember any part of my life after now…. That is what last time felt like after all. It really did feel like I wasn’t even alive during that time at all, it was a lot like I went to bed in kindergarten and woke up in the middle of 3rd grade.

well that went on forever, I apologize for that.

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