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Unsent Letter for KitKat

by rich51bruhh

I still think about you. I made myself believe for a long time that I have finally moved on and I have finally gotten better, but that was only half true. 

Truth is I thought I moved on until my birthday came and it was the first time in about 8 years you did not wish me a happy birthday. I know I told you not to contact me at all in the future, but a part of me kind of wish you did send me a birthday letter like you did last year. It messed me up, emotionally, getting that birthday letter when I did; yet and still, I wish you would have sent another. Despite the pain it would have caused once again, I wanted to hear from you.

I regret not being so happy for you in the last letters you sent me. You caught me up on how much better you have gotten, the better choices you were beginning to make, and the things that have been going good for you. I truly was happy for you, but I had already made up my mind at the time not to talk to you. I had my mind made up 8 months before you decided to contact me and I acted like things were normal and refused to update you on how I had been. I regret that. I can’t remember if I told you I was happy for you, but if I didn’t, I truly am happy for you.

The last letter I sent you was sudden. I felt it was necessary,  and I still do stand by the decision, but it could have been written differently. We probably could have discussed it. It has been over a year since we last talked, and almost 2 years since we last seen each other. In that year we haven’t talked I have occasionally thought about you and what could have been different had we gotten a chance to talk. To get some closure, for me at least. I wish we could talk one last time, but I could never know if you would want the same.

I hope my decision does not burden you as much as it burdens me. I hope you have moved on from this better than I have. I hope you find the happiness that I am trying so hard to find.


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likeastone 5/9/2019 - 10:00 am

Closing in on two years ago, I read your post about burying your past and listening to Alan Watts. It hit me with a pang of hope and I even reached out on Line I think to learn more. I followed your recommendations and my life has never been the same. I had a moment of awakening after that first lecture from “Out of Your Mind” and within months came off every medication I spent decades taking. Every day I instead supplement with Watts, Tolle, Peterson, Buddhism wisdom etc. Learned about MBTI and Jung and own my personality archetype idiosyncrasies instead of fight them. Found ASMR works for me and is a nightly routine for sleep. And stayed single by design for the first time because relationships- been there done that, they are more like an addiction with a good start and long miserable tail.

I actually was looking for that original post to reference something and noticed your more recent ones. Sorry to see it didn’t last long for you. But you had it right in late 201/. If it makes a difference, your post changed the course of my life, just in time, when it could have completely fallen apart instead. I will forever be grateful of reading it and trusting the tone of the words.

Don’t give up – try reading your own words again and start from scratch if need be. You didn’t make a mistake, you corrected one that is very hard to correct.

rich51bruhh 5/22/2019 - 5:54 am

Wow, Just wow. Reading your comment, I am at a loss for words. Thank you so much for this, I really needed this!

After posting this I checked for about two days for a comment and then submit to the assumption that this post was buried. I was coming back to this site to write another post for my brother, I have been really down the past couple of days. Decided to read this post again when I realized someone left a comment.

I am very happy to hear that that post was able to help you. Learning about how it has helped you and you referring the same method to me, just thank you! Thank you so much for writing this. And thank you so much for getting better! I will definitely take that into consideration. I will still write my post for my brother because it needs to be ‘off my chest.’ My brother always told me that humans aren’t meant to bottle things up.

likeastone 5/30/2019 - 11:57 pm

🙂 Maybe there is no such thing as random chance after all and everything really is connected on some level.

It’s NOT easy, that’s for sure. But I think the trick is when you truly understand that it’s not supposed to be. It’s just supposed…to Be.

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