Tomorrow I fly away to visit family and I’m terrified. It’s not gonna be how I thought it would. Just found out a bunch of new things about family dynamics that I’m struggling to accept. My mother seems to have forgiven my father for his trespasses. I can’t and I don’t want to spend more time with him. I’m just trying to hope that I don’t get into conflict with him. I wanted to look forward to my vacation but now I’m dreading it. I just want to stay home and die. Why is everything garbage? And part of me knows it’s not actually all garbage but I’m in an awful place right now and I hate everyone and want to kill everyone including myself. I hope I figure out a way to deal and put on a fake smile cuz I don’t really have much of another choice. Maybe I should just double check Air Bnbs.