Had a bad day at office. I’m not one of the gunner kind but rather dumb. Just some pathetic faceless employee right at the bottom of the pecking order. Today I was the last one to leave after a hectic project delivery. I felt so bitter thinking about what a chronic loser I am. Drifting half-assedly through life, working for peanuts, and even then not knowing what to do with whatever spare dime I’m making. I just couldn’t make any sense of my being in this world.
But then, while waiting at the bus stop, a strange peace descended upon me, like a whiff of cool breeze in prickly humidity. I was reminded that my days of living through this shitty existence are numbered. I’m not hanging around for long now. I won’t keep letting myself be humiliated by my incompetence. I’m not living life my own way but I’m going out on my own terms. And that’s a win I’d say. Better than dying old as fuck on a hospital bed, shitting in pans, pissing in bottles, attended by tired nurses, ‘cared for’ by weary relatives secretly wishing I die already. I was exhausted but thinking about my situation in this new light, I commuted back home quite upbeat.
I just hope I can fix a definite time-bound plan for my exit and somehow be at peace all that while. I hope to die with an empty mind without any thoughts buzzing in my head.
End of rant.
2 comments
I can relate to fantasizing about committing suicide and experiencing a surge of hope. If you hate yourself, or what your life has become, the idea of suicide can feel empowering, like wiping the slate clean, purging your undeserving character from existence, or resetting a video game.
I think you should give yourself credit for what you achieve in your daily life. Whenever you do something right*, take note. Maybe even write it down. To open your eyes to all the things you actually get right, every day.
My impression is that you dislike yourself to the point of contempt. Maybe this can help you see that you can achieve things in your daily life, and that you may not need to plan suicide to feel empowered or capable or worthy.
* = Whatever you deem to be “right”
Wow, Yoges, that second paragraph really nailed it. Relatable and quotable.