One at a time group, no cross talking.. Stay in the room, please don’t go walking… There’s someone here who wants to share, and introduce themselves.. (NO I DON’T.) Listen. I’m bold at my best, but I could barely get dressed. I was told that today I wouldn’t have to confess. What are my sins..? Do I get street cred or mad props..? Did I make a huge mess, and then lie to the cops….?? Again…? What did I do…. “Hello, my name is Moon. I’m addicted to the danger when I walk into the room.” I fuck random strangers. I live to consume, and oh… I would do very terrible things to you. Helloooo…! ;-P
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Sounds like a depressed rap freestyle. I could beatbox for you if you want to try to make a record.
Poetry on this site normally makes me cringe, but this I can live with.
lol. Thanks. I was hoping that wouldn’t be too nauseating.. I just like word play sometimes. I try not to project too much (as far as depression goes.) I try to be creative and get out of my head a little. It helps sometimes. This was in reference to when I had to go to small group meetings, and I told everyone I’m a sex addict. I didn’t really want to tell them anything , but I was being strongly coaxed to “share.” I tried to warn them. They asked me “What’s your drug of choice?” I was like “Umm..” lol. Thanks for not not hating me for this. It’s therapeutic. 😉
It rang true, while staying punchy and funny. Can’t imagine sharing that kind of stuff with anyone outside a specialist anonymous meeting, and even then it would be awkward af.
Ahaha..! No, you’re right. That’s part of what brought me here.. I mean.. That’s just a snippet.. It was partially due to my job.. Partially due to my disenchantment with life. I felt like – “My substance…??” “Must I pick only one….?!?” lol. Most of them were beyond curious. Dope can get boring.. lol. That’s what most of them were in for. I enjoyed the whole experience. Sex, drugs, and music. Oh, and lots of dancing.. 😉 It was a bit awkward tho… lol. I made the counselor blush, and more than a few times we had to “move on…” Time constraints and what not.. lol. I tried to tell ‘em.. lolol. Thank you for your kindness. I haven’t shared this anywhere else (or really even scratched the surface for that matter..) I like this group. I just – hope I can help somehow.. It’s not like I don’t have my own exit strategy.. I keep telling myself that I have to be strong. There’s people who depend on me. But I know how hard it can be. Some people will say “Well at least YOU have somebody..!” But what if you feel like you’re always letting them down. Like they’d be better off if you just weren’t around. I try to push it out of my mind. I keep telling myself – “They’ll hate you more if you leave ‘em all behind.” <3
Sounds like you know how to have a good time. I guess if you can make a counsellor blush then they’re probably fairly clueless when it comes to dealing with your experiences.
It does seem like those left behind inevitably suffer far more than those disappointed or ashamed of loved ones. I often wonder whether it’d be better to end it now, and put them through that devastation, in the hope they’ll eventually pull through, rather than let things continue to deteriorate between us until I or they reach the end of the line. But on balance I conclude that they’d be far better off increasingly disappointed and angry, even if they had to eventually push me away, than if they had to deal with my suicide. I figure the longer I stay, the longer they can keep on as normal.
I know how you feel. Certain young people.. You think “They’re young enough – if I do it now – they’ll be easier getting over it.” (Well that’s where I was coming from..) But then one of them asks you if you’re “okay” (not knowing just how NOT “okay” a person can be..) I realized that no amount of time would ever be enough. It would NEVER be “okay” .. Not in my case, and probably that would go the same for a lot of people in similar situations. I have to try to shake it off… I self medicate. I try to function correctly.. I guess it’s a work in progress… lol. But yea.. On that rare occasion – I can get down.. 😉 (Sadly, not as often these days…)
For me it’s actually my folks (and sister.) I’m much closer with them than the average suicidal thinker. If I felt I had some real reason to resent them, or that they didn’t care, then it might be much simpler. But they’ve tried so hard to help me, far beyond the point where most would’ve given up – to pay them back like that feels like the ultimate dick move. Even thinking about them having to ID my body seems an awful thing to do.
If I had kids…well, I guess I’d be a very different person. I would’ve had to have had a real life for a start. And I’d also have to be a semi-functional human being. I imagine it’s a huge amount of pressure, feeling you can’t show that you’re struggling.
I guess you know deep down that unless a parent is actively tormenting their child, no child would be better off with them dead. Anything you do above that is a win for them. And the longer you keep trying, the longer they get to keep having a semi-normal childhood.
Hope you can find a good outlet for talking about this stuff, if there’s no-one irl you can share it with. Not sure telling yourself to ‘shake it off’ really does much, and self-medicating tends to come with it’s own costs (and gets less effective over time), though that’s never stopped me. But it sounds like you’re struggling admirably.
You’re right tho.. My dad kinda abused me.. I still can’t hate him for some reason.. I couldn’t imagine treating my kids that way. I stopped giving spankngs pretty much right away – how can I tell them not to hit if I’m no better… So I deal with their aggression, and take their toys away. lol. A pain in the ass, but that’s how it’s supposed to be I guess.. Thank you for taking the time to get to know me. I gotta be in the right headspace for word play.. Even then – most people would be quick to judge. I don’t always write, but when I do… lol. I do it here – because catharsis….? lol. I feel you tho. My family has tried for me too. This shell that covers my struggles.. It’s all I have to protect me. Thank you for those words. I never knew if it was admirable, but I think if I can just keep it up – well – I guess that’s good enough . Much love to you. We’ll both keep trying.. How about it..? I don’t get on here all the time.. I actually just made a profile before I posted, so I don’t know if there’s email.. I’ll gladly be your friend.. You probably have plenty I’m sure.. I’m not as strong as I act. Maybe that’s why I like it here. I can’t hide it as well…. And nobody blames me for it. 🙂
Parenting seems like one of the most terrifying jobs in the world to me…how do you begin going about teaching someone else how to live, if you’re unsure yourself? I suppose all any parent can really do is try not to mess the kid up too badly, and assume they’ll figure it out as they go along.
As for me, I’m still trying to work out if I want to keep trying. Not wanting to hurt family doesn’t seem to be enough to push me to face up to the harsh reality and do all I need to do to survive. Mostly I just want to escape, but that gets harder and harder.
I don’t think there’s personal messaging on this site yet. I’ve emailed with other users in the past, but I’m hesitant to do so since then. I can’t really be real, even anonymously online – too much shameful shit in my mind. So it feels kind of deceptive to pretend, and listen to other’s truth, while only reciprocating with edited extracts of my own. It inevitably trails off and leaves me feeling worse.
But I’d be happy to keep an eye out for your posts in future, and I’ll comment if I’m up for chatting a bit underneath. Or feel free to comment under one of my weird rambles, and if I notice in time (and I’m not feeling too self-involved) we can talk about something less vague. Take care of yourself.
Well.. It’s fucking terrifying. I won’t lie. lol. I tell my son (who is a lot like me – so I have to be real careful..) The world is not a bad place. It’s just a world – like many others. Sometimes terrible things happen. Sometimes terrible people do terrible things, but for every time that happens.. There’s at least one or two people doing amazing things – trying desperately to make the world a better place. I’m not sure if I’m right, but I like to hope. I’m working on community outreach right now with a friend of mine who runs a shelter for kids saved from sex trafficking. I would do anything to help bring balance to this fucked up world. I’m also no stranger to shame. I know I got a lot on my plate too, but I’m glad to make your acquaintance. We can’t make promises to the world – all we can do is our best. You take care of yourself. I believe in you. If that’s cheesy – well so be it. You’re trying. That’s not for nothing. Respect!