hello everyone.. it’s been a very long time since i’ve been on this site, even longer since i’ve felt like i’ve truly needed it, but here i am. i’ve done what i promised myself over and over that i wouldn’t do, but i couldn’t help it. my mind is too strong, pure willpower can only get you so far.
so everyone understands, here’s my story and why i’m about to do what i’m about to do, but before i say anything, please do not feel bad for me. pity is the last thing i need or want right now. everything i’m about to explain has been my fault and i take responsibility for it all. i don’t expect any one person to read this all the way through, this is closure for myself more than anything
i’m gonna start this off by saying i’m only 18, 18 and already absolutely fucked by the world, at least that’s how i see it. i had an abusive childhood, still to this day i am by my mother, which believe it or not causes a fuckton of trauma and mental health problems. my current official diagnoses are anorexia nervosa, ptsd (+ some panic disorder), bpd, dpd, adhd, and ocd. that’s obviously a lot to handle on your own, very possible to do, but difficult. i’ve never had too much luck with friendships or even relationships, i love too hard, become almost obsessive and suffocating, and people leave. or on the flip side, i feel guilty for being happy and push people away, because i feel like i don’t deserve it. these both come into play later on. i’ve obviously had a really bad struggle with multiple forms of self harm my entire life, literally since i was a little kid. my anorexia developed due to being starved as a kid for being hyperactive and constantly ‘unruly’, somehow that turned into punishing myself whenever i acted out of line or made people close to me upset. i was 8 years old then, it’s been period of highs and lows since. ptsd developed for multiple reasons, some i don’t even understand yet. obviously i had abuse as a kid which fucked up my ability to trust anyone, especially adults, but there’s so much more to it. i’ve been sexually abused by adults, mostly due to my own naivety as a middle schooler, but that still doesn’t explain all of it. constant panic attacks and flashbacks and unreasonable terror over the thought of people i love leaving me. i don’t understand it. i don’t really know how anything else in my life developed, i’ve been in and out of therapy since i was 13 just to even try to slightly understand how i became like this and how to fix it, but the more i seem to try, the worse i get. i’ve gotten to points in my life where i’d rather be abused in my relationships rather than have them leave, it’s a mindset i have no idea how to break, or even if it’s able to be broken. i think this leads me into my main focus right now, the reason why i’ve formally decided to take my life.
at basically the end of 2016, i was hospitalized for a suicide attempt. i was there for around 2 months, i’d say that was my absolute lowest point, excluding now. i was 15 and was ‘in love’ with a dude a couple states over. it wasn’t love, i can see that now, i knew it then as well but i refused to acknowledge all he did was hurt me. i made him the center of my universe and all he did was make me do sexual things with him, even when i didn’t want to and try to push me into doing hard drugs with him; heroin, coke, and meth usually. he did a lot of other shit that somehow i still end up justifying to myself. he faked his suicide just to hurt me, fucked other girls just to make me jealous, literally stole my identity and made everyone think i actually killed myself (before i even tried). etc, etc, etc. it wasn’t love and my brain knew that deep down, which is why i think i tried to kill myself. i couldn’t find any other options, and i couldn’t handle being hurt, but i needed to be needed. after being outpatient for a bit, we decided to skype a bunch. this kid had a TON of friends, especially online and a bunch of them always wanted to meet me. i’m a pretty timid chick i’d say so it’s always taken a lot for me to get used to people so i was always sort of skeptical about talking to others, especially over the phone. but like everything in my life at that time, i did absolutely whatever he asked of me. november 13, 2016 (i’m extremely big on dates, i remember all of the ones i hold close to me), that was the very first time i talked to the love of my life. i’m using his actual name just for convenience, he’ll never see this anyway. his name is kaleb. i was obviously very quiet during most of the call as it was a 3 way call between the guy i was with, kaleb, and i, and they both tend to talk a lot. every now and then kaleb would ask me questions, trying so hard to get me to join in on the conversation as well. the guy i was with would always talk over me when we were alone so he tended to do it when we were around other people as well without ever noticing so i rarely could answer the questions kaleb would have for me until he told the guy i was with to shut the fuck up and let me talk. i don’t know why that was so significant to me? he had such a softness while speaking with me that he didn’t have while talking to him. i wish i could dramatize it, but that exactly how it was. literally love at first sight for making me feel important for once, actually being listened to for once in my life. after that, i wasn’t allowed to talk to him, i’m guessing because the guy i was with felt threatened, like his power over me was tested. kaleb had a girlfriend at this point so it wasn’t even worth my time to try and get close to him, but i always missed him. a couple months passed without hearing from or even about him until one day the very beginning of may 2017. he had a suicide date (may 22) and the guy i was with made a suicide pact with him. death has never really affected me the same as any other person, i typically don’t really care when others die or say they want to or plan on dying, but this time was different. nothing scared me as much as the possibility of him dying, especially to suicide, which is still true to this day. i had to do everything in my power to stop it from happening and i had a little under 3 weeks. everything from that point is such a scramble in my brain because everything happened so fast. i joined their suicide pact and started talking to kaleb on a regular basis, literally daily. this was at a point and time where he didn’t have a smart phone, only an ipod touch and he didn’t really talk to any single person constantly, so it was a huge thing for me and probably him as well. within a couple days of talking on a regular basis, literally after a full week, he asked me if i was catching feelings for him. at the time i thought he was just calling me out since i was seeing his friend and i assumed he would’ve told him if he knew the truth, but i later discovered it was because he caught feelings too. i told him i wasn’t at the time, but a couple days later, i realized there was no point in holding back what i felt if we were all going to die anyway. may 13, i sent him a paragraph saying the following:
i feel like one of those dumb fuckin romance movies like the notebook or some shit and i dont understand it. like everytime i think of you my heart starts beating fast and i get all happy and blushy and ahahhhhh. but at the same time im so sad because i can’t do anything. i cant like fuel my feelings towards anything and i get freaked the fuck out because i dont want you to die. i don’t know why you honestly mean this much to me and why im so attracted to you. i lowkey hate it. not because youre a bad person or because i don’t want to like you. just for the meer fact that i havent been able to figure you out. its probably why i feel so much for you, youre like, this mystery to me and i just wanna figure you out because everything ive seen from you is fucking amazing. we’re the same in a lot of ways, but i know thats not all of you. i feel like theres more to you, like the broken half, and i just want to know it and fix it so much because you dont deserve to be broken. you deserve all the happiness in the world and i just wanna see you smile and be happy. ahhh. im sorry its late and im writing everything that comes to my mind aNd i fEeL lIkE sUcH a GiRl, because this isnt like me. i fucking have butterflies and im smiling AND I DONT UNDERSTAND THIS BUT I LOVE AND HATE IT AT THE SAME TIME. i dont ever remember feeling like this about luis or anybody and it scares me so much because i dont know how to handle any of this. and im sure you dont know me well enough to know that i never cry. but seriously, i never cry when im sad. especially over people. but you see ive stayed up crying the last couple nights because i feel so much towards you and im so scared youre gonna do something bad to yourself. i just want to make you feel okay and happy
and god was that the start of the best thing i’d ever done for myself. the paragraph was so fucking cheesy, but it’s exactly how i felt. after that, the suicide pact got called off. i told the guy i was with that we needed to take a break and started devoting all my time towards kaleb. we got closer and closer and started dating june 12, 2017. the next couple of months were absolute bliss, we still had a lot going on in our lives, but the support we had for each other was absolutely crazy. he had anorexia as well as a lot of the problems i do, and we both were basically recovered for so long. i was at my highest weight id ever been (150lbs, im 6’1″) and he stopped drugs and drinking, which was fucking amazing because he’s had a hard past too, but i don’t think it’s my place to share his story. but see, with me, nothing like that could last. starting around september, i started feeling extremely guilty, like i didn’t deserve something this good, not with everything i’d done in the [ast. i started pushing him away and like any rational person he ended up leaving me not long after. i planned my suicide and suicide date (december 5th) because it was way too much for me to handle. just the fact that i had the one person i’d dreamt of forever, i literally had wrapped around my finger, just as madly in love as i was and i pushed him away like he was nothing because i didn’t feel like i deserved him, it was fucked and selfish. especially for that time period when nothing was wrong except for me. once he figured out as to why, i think he began to understand (unconfirmed so don’t take my word for it, i don’t know what was going through his mind). we ended up getting back together in november after an abundance of reassurance that i was the only one he wanted and i was good enough for him, he didn’t want anyone else. i really never understood what he was thinking during that time, we never talked about it fully, only little fights when it was bothering him. i wish i could understand but at this point it’s way too late to find out. all i know for sure is that it hurt him, and very badly. after though, it was back to the cupcake stage for us, back to absolute bliss. we were online this entire time and february 11, 2018 we finally met in real life. i traveled over a thousand miles just to see him for a week and fuck dude, it was the best week of my life up until that point. i got to kiss him (my first time ever consensually kissing someone), he was my first everything, always so careful with me and god it made me fall so much harder. we watched movies, ate out with his parents, played in the snow together, cuddled & stayed the night twice, attempted to smoke a little but i’m a *****, i got to pick him up from school, meet his sisters, got some of his clothes, literally everything was so perfect. nothing could have gone better besides the fucked winter weather and leaving after a week. i cried the entire way driving back, nothing could beat the feeling of having his arms around me. once i got back home, everything was still absolutely perfect between us. nothing could separate us and we started to plan to move in together that summer, because it would’ve been a LOT less stressful on the both of us. my parents were pretty skeptical, as was his mom because we were 16/17 at the time. as it got closer to summer things started to get harder, finals and family issues had us both stressed to the max and it was hard for us to be there for each other. i kept on going because once summer came, once we could be together in real life, everything would be okay in my mind. like i said, nothing beat the feeling of being in his arms, to this day nothing beats that feeling. i was in europe for our anniversary, but i sent him a huge paragraph the day of so he didn’t feel like id forgotten about him. he posted the cutest thing for our anniversary and i wish i could show it here but what it basically said was thank you for everything, pulling him out of everything toxic he used to do, making him feel like he mattered, etc, etc. i think about it a lot, even now. and now probably the worst thing that’s happened, the real reason any of this happened. he cheated on me. and before you hate him for it, don’t. i knew it was coming, he was hurting, he needed me so badly, he needed SOMEONE. so he reached out instead of just hurting himself, which i’m so proud of him for. long story short, the people he reached out to took advantage of his vulnerability and trust, made him feel special, used him and then basically threw him away. i found out because one of the girls told me, just to rub it in my face. he called off moving in together, but we were still together and planned on staying that way. he cut them all off. i was told in the beginning of august and a week later i was there with him, halfway across the country yet again. see, i feel like i should’ve been upset or at the very least sad it had happened, but like i’ve said, nothing beats the feeling of his arms around me. i wasn’t even upset at this point, i had no reason to be. he on the other hand, was beyond upset at himself. i stayed the night with him every night and held him while he cried and apologized. i just held him and kissed him over and over and promised him everything would be okay, we would be okay. despite the nights, every day the week i was there was beyond amazing for the both of us. since it was summer there was a lot more to do, we went to his dad’s for a couple days, i met his ENTIRE dad’s side due to family reasons, we took walks at night, played at the playground, went to an amusement park in the pouring rain (by far the best day in my entire life, i think he’d agree), kissed and took pics in a picture booth, went back to school shopping for him, held hands around the mall. again, every moment with him was pure bliss. that was the best week of my entire life, and nothing can ever top it, especially now. we planned on getting married at this point, we had mostly everything planned out but he wanted to wait until he could buy me my dream ring before he officially proposed. we planned it to be october 12, 2019, he would still be in high school, but he never really seemed to mind all that much.
annnndddd here’s where i fucked up, majorly. october 2018, after i had gone back home i started to overthink why he had cheated. i wanted to talk to him about how i felt, but every time i tried i could hear it hurting him. i know he didn’t want to remember it because he never wanted it to happen. he just wanted to forget it and move past it as did i, but my brain held on to it so hard. looking back right now, probably because i’m dissociated as fuck, i should’ve just talked about it. told him it was actually hurting me and i didn’t feel like i was competent. like i didn’t deserve him because i couldn’t be there for him and he had to seek support in others, strangers. i still feel that even now, hence why any of this is happening. instead of talking, i decided to push him away. much more extreme and harder yet more subtle. he deserved better than just me and i don’t want him to waste his potential. i deserve to be dead for everything i’ve caused, he deserved the world and i wasn’t there for him. i let him get hurt. it’s been an ongoing thing ever since. petty attempts to push him away, striking nerves with random things i know would hurt him and keep him away. a huge thing about kaleb with this situation and the ones before is that suicide is one of his biggest triggers. especially in those he loves and cares about. NOTHING in this world could hurt him more than that, so my fucking brain thought of this bright idea to make him hate me so it doesn’t hurt him nearly as much, possibly at all. so that’s exactly what i did. he left me in the beginning of may 2019. he said he couldn’t handle the constant abuse and fighting anymore. it destroyed me because deep down i want to mean enough to him that he could’ve figured out why this was all happening, but i simply don’t matter that much, or really at all. i know he truly does deserve better, i’m just selfish and in love and i need him so fucking badly. two days later he got a new girlfriend, evidently had to be part of the plan because if he had someone to fight for, there was a bigger chance he might not give up too, like the end of the suicide pact in 2017 almost. he finds a reason to keep living. i tried to make him move on fast based off of what i learned when he cheated, if he’s in a bad and very stressful situation, he’ll search for support and move on very very easily. and it turns out, that’s exactly what happened. he’s found much better, and he’s happy with her now. although he was still talking to me at that point, he has completely moved on. he has absolutely no desire to be with me ever again or even be friends. i spoke with his girlfriend so she would understand it was absolutely crucial that she kept him safe, she couldn’t let him die too, i think she understands it more now after seeing how it affects him. he finally couldn’t take being around me any longer, and last night he told me that he completely doesn’t care about me anymore and i think blocked me for good this time. i’ve tried explaining why i did all of this but he simply doesn’t care, and the parts he did listen to, i’m pretty sure he doesn’t even believe. although, i do i think that’s better for the both of us. with what he thinks, he absolutely hates me, he doesn’t care about me, and just wants me out of his life. it’s better for me because i know everything i’ve done will pay off, he will be okay. that’s all i want, that’s all i need in order to let go. i need to know that he’s gonna be okay. we are all ready for this, i think everyone involved is aware that i’m killing myself in a couple hours. at this point it’s just a waiting game.
if all goes well, june 4th 2019 was the day i died. he will never believe this, nor will he ever see this, but, kaleb, everything i did was to protect you. i love you to the moon and back, and i never would have done anything to hurt you if i could’ve successfully done this without making you hate me (while still keeping you alive). you’re the light of my life and the very reason i breathe. please don’t be angry at yourself for this, you knew i was never going to get better, you know i wasn’t worth it. please, please, just hold on, do it for her if you can’t find the will to do it for yourself. i love you, stay strong angel. forever and always