I don´t wanna go back

For the first time in years maybe ever I was really kinda happy. She made me happy. I thought that we had some special connection and all that bullshit… We ve been together only for couple of months.. but apparently according to her we never were… Everything was going so well and then out of nowhere she just tells me that she isnt really serious about a relationship with me…That she likes me but she has never really felt anything “more” towards me. And she isnt even ready for a relationship coz she still isnt over her ex. When her friends told me that they broke up more than a year ago…  I just dont get it. Why are you making out with me then? Why couldnt you at least tell me right away at the start so I knew what to expect and I wouldnt get emotionally hung up or I could have just left right away… I am just so destroyed right now…  I am trying to stay strong. But it´s so hard. I am just waking up in the middle of the night thinking wtf did I do wrong? What is wrong with me? Why doesn´t she wanna be with me? It all looked so perfect untill that day…

I just cant go back to where I was before I met her. I just dont wanna go back there it was fking horrible. I know I should just work on myself.. that I need to be happy and satisfied with myself and my life first and not seek happiness only from a relationship… But man its easier said than done.. I am really such a fking mess right now.  I need to start doing something tho… First thing is that I am really done with my father I dont ever wanna see or talk to that man and this time I will fking stick to it.. I have told myself this so many times but he always pursued me into seeing him again. My dad is a sociopath. All my life he is just manipulating me.. Like he recently pursued me into living with him for a couple of weeks. (which would basically being his slave, cooking for him, cleaning his house and everything…) I told him that I m not feeling well coz I broke up with my first GF and that I want to stay home for a couple of days and then I can go see him. He got so fking angry telling me how the fk should some girl be more important than my own father and all that. (he really probably always believed that my life purpose was just to serve and obey him..) And he told me that its obvious that she left me coz I cant keep my promises and I am behaving like a woman and therefore no girl would ever want me… Like ye I am done with that man forever. He has his good times but he always was like this and he will never change and I cant stand it anymore I just cant… So that is the first step that Im taking.. I have also started running daily. Nothing big, also it doesnt really help but at least its something and I will stick to it… Really before I met this girl I was just rotting away in my depression at home doing absolutely nothing and as I said I really dont wanna go back there… Also I will need to start learning soon which will be the hardest thing for me. I am so undisciplined person I cant force myself to do anything it literally just hurts my mind to focus on something meaningful and productive like reading a book I dont fking know why. I may have ADD or some shit. Probably just excuses… I need to learn tho coz I got accepted to university to study physics which I always wanted but have never done anything for it and with my knowledge of math and physics I will get kicked out in like 5 days… I have 4 months to learn something before school year begins but it is so hard to even start… I have never had to learn anything in highschool  Im just so used to doing literally nothing all the time. Also I have to quit weed till then.. I just really fking dont wanna go back I have to do something with myself. In my previous state I was just waiting for the day my little sisters will be old enough to take it so I could finally just off myself… I dont wanna go fking back there… Perhaps I could try some anti-depressants… I have taken them when I was a kid coz I couldnt fall a sleep, had nightmares and wasnt really happy as kids should be (probably mainly coz of my dad and also coz my mom hated him and she kinda projected that into me when I was a baby even if she didnt want to do it…) I mean if anti-depressants would help me why not give it a try.. I will try to do something about myself without them for some time but if that fails Im probably going to see some psychiatrist… I really cant go back to where I was and I need to try everything…