It has been 2 years since my first post…hello world

Hello everyone. My apologies for the ramblings of an old fool. It has been two years since my first post and it feels like my chest weighs heavier with old and new pain then two years ago. This stupid loneliness I have brought upon myself and inability to engage in normal conversations makes it harder for me to talk about it with others close or far from me. That is why I want to write it all down again, this beautiful nonsense I call life. I am not well versed in the English language thus my sincere apologies again.

I have already said this in my first post but it has been a long time ago so let me introduce myself, again.
I was born in 1980 in a small town in the Netherlands and my youth was filled with joy, parental love and happiness. We had not much but my father provided enough so that he, my mother, my brother and I could live a simple, happy life. Those days are far behind me and I cherish those memories of old times. The time I was sitting on my niece’s her lap singing songs and when she stopped singing she would spread her knees apart so that I fell on the floor, laughing. When I did the groceries with my mother I put a candy in my pocket. I had to apologise tot the shopkeeper in person when my mother found out. There were many painful memories as well. But you have to take the sweet with the sour. The sour in those days I do remember but never bother me in my old age. Parents fighting, brother teasing, dog biting, car running me over, almost drowning. The usual kids stuff.

When I turned 13 of fourteen I started to asking questions someone of my age or any age of that matter must never ask but we start asking anyway. Do I matter? Am I the best in anything? I forgot one variable in those days and I was in my late twenties when I understood my error. Like I said in former post I believed that I was not on top of anything. I was and am not the fastest, never the smartest nor prettiest. I was never a good kisser nor the most romantic boyfriend. In everything I could not find anything I was the top of the class of. I also thought that if someone loved another the other had to be the best in something. He is the cutest, she is the cuddliest, he is the strongest. How foolish I was to believe that because I am not the best in anything it is useless to search for love, for to find love you must be the best in something. In my bad days I still believe it a little bit. But I am a fool. If you, my friend, want to learn one lesson from an old idiot. Please learn this. A star shines when someone tells it shines. If someone tells you that you are the best kisser then you are the best kisser. And to find the one who tells you that you are the best in something accept every heart that is given to you. Feel love a thousand times and be heartbroken 999 times. It is a necessity to live.

In my twenties I have closed my heart for any love. Yes, I had some one-night-pleasures but not love. Even had a moment when I started caring for a young woman but never accepted her love and thus losing her. Even todat I miss her but alas she is gone. I only have her name etched into my mind: Elke. From that moment on I doubted my rigid believes. But the damage was already done. I had trouble engaging in any conversation to express myself. I was gaining the believe that I could find love but lost the confidence that I would ever find it.

Now I am 38 years old. Life has been kind and hard on me. The normal things a life will throw at you and you have to deal with it. I am still a math teacher. But I have little pleasure in my work. I do not think I am a good math teacher but I am adequate though. I know my students will forget me when they leave school. I am not that special or important. Not much has changed even in those 2 years after my first post. But my mood swings like a pendulum. Happy and angry. I fear my students start to hate my lessons and even me.

My brother committed suicide 18 months ago. And because of that I was again confronted how important love is. For he had none and could not vent his emotions. Burnout from work, doubt about the future and selfloathing made him hang himself. Mind you, his passing never weighed heavy on my heart. I cherish his memories that are close to my heart. I am not putting my head in the sand either for I understand he has passed away. At the end we will all die.
And like my father always says: do not wait and pray for heaven to come, you must work to make heaven on earth. And in the end when you look back at it you can die happy.

I thought my home was heaven. Enough boardgames and computergames to enjoy for a lifetime. Music fills a warm a cosy home. The scent of a well prepared meal like Rengdang or an Indian curry hangs in the air. Now I notice:
When I bought my games they had to be played solitair. When I play music it is to drown out the silence. When I cook it is to eat my troubles away. Now I notice how lonely I am.

And I want to change. I need to change for the sake of my own wellbeing. I want to meet others who understand this feeling because I know I am not alone in this. And maybe, maybe, maybe I will find someone to care for. One may dream of golden mountains but I want to search for them but I have no clue where to begin.

With much love,
Me, the smilingclown