Here I am again alone with my thoughts. Almost 40 and still messing up. I’m a regular shy guy. I’d like to say I’m fit, but I’m kidding myself; bit of skinny fat. Anways, the only relationship I’ve ever had was over a decade ago. Even that was kinda of a sham. She was recently separated and I was her comforting coworker… We had a deal to just help me loose my virginity and to not fall in love. But we did. And she cheated on me a year later. Messed me up pretty bad. Took me a long time to get over it (many years and a psyche ward visit), but I finally did.
Got on many dating sites and nothing. Met a friend and we were friends on and off for like 8 years until last year when I told her how I felt and she ghosted me. Never really led to anything really.
I don’t make friends that easy, cause I’m shy and have no self esteem. I’ve been working at the same place for years and sorta made friends with my boss’s daughter who is 6 years younger than me. We stopped chatting for a few years until she came started working in my office last year. We grew pretty close or so I thought. Since October of last year We talked everyday about anything and it felt pretty good.
I left at the beginning of this year for basic since I’m in the reserves and when I came back I noticed how distant she got. Last month I once again wrote a letter saying how I felt and it’s gotten pretty bad. Even more distant. My reaction is to shut down and just ignore her at work. I’ve dobe this before for petty discussions, but not as long or bad as this. A few weeks ago she was furious and blocked me on one of our messaging platforms. I said my sorrys and what not and We started talking a bit on FB, but it just hasn’t been the same at all. I remember when she would tell me everything even stuff I really didn’t need to know. Now nothing and makes me look like the bad guy who is jealous and a drama queen.
I really miss her and I think this time there is no going back. No fixing it this time or at least think in my head that things will go back as before like last year. She made me lower my wall and show emotion just to take my heart and step all over it. I think what I’m most sad is that I’ve wasted my youth on these types of women and that’s it for me. Never could date when I waa young, even worse now that I’m older.
There’s more stuff to unpack, but this thread is long enough already.