Here I am again alone with my thoughts. Almost 40 and still messing up. I’m a regular shy guy. I’d like to say I’m fit, but I’m kidding myself; bit of skinny fat. Anways, the only relationship I’ve ever had was over a decade ago. Even that was kinda of a sham. She was recently separated and I was her comforting coworker… We had a deal to just help me loose my virginity and to not fall in love. But we did. And she cheated on me a year later. Messed me up pretty bad. Took me a long time to get over it (many years and a psyche ward visit), but I finally did.
Got on many dating sites and nothing. Met a friend and we were friends on and off for like 8 years until last year when I told her how I felt and she ghosted me. Never really led to anything really.
I don’t make friends that easy, cause I’m shy and have no self esteem. I’ve been working at the same place for years and sorta made friends with my boss’s daughter who is 6 years younger than me. We stopped chatting for a few years until she came started working in my office last year. We grew pretty close or so I thought. Since October of last year We talked everyday about anything and it felt pretty good.
I left at the beginning of this year for basic since I’m in the reserves and when I came back I noticed how distant she got. Last month I once again wrote a letter saying how I felt and it’s gotten pretty bad. Even more distant. My reaction is to shut down and just ignore her at work. I’ve dobe this before for petty discussions, but not as long or bad as this. A few weeks ago she was furious and blocked me on one of our messaging platforms. I said my sorrys and what not and We started talking a bit on FB, but it just hasn’t been the same at all. I remember when she would tell me everything even stuff I really didn’t need to know. Now nothing and makes me look like the bad guy who is jealous and a drama queen.
I really miss her and I think this time there is no going back. No fixing it this time or at least think in my head that things will go back as before like last year. She made me lower my wall and show emotion just to take my heart and step all over it. I think what I’m most sad is that I’ve wasted my youth on these types of women and that’s it for me. Never could date when I waa young, even worse now that I’m older.
There’s more stuff to unpack, but this thread is long enough already.
8 comments
Theres two basic ingredients which ‘most’ of us need for something resembling a happy existence. A job we can at least say we’re reasonably happy with…aaand a secure loving relationship as in an intimate partner to share our time with.
You are like many others, once one of those two components is under threat, so too is our wellbeing.
jbro0, as tough as this is, please keep in mind that logic becomes clouded and distorted. You’ve been at rock bottom before, but things picked up again and life improved. Our patience is paramount because nerly always things start looking up again, they do improve.
You are clearly a deep thinking, sensitive & emotional man! I like that about you !
Thanks.
Thats the problem. I’m too sensitive and get hurt easily. I don’t want to go back in my dark place so that’s why I keep going back to her thinking maybe…. Some day…. But I really know she’s not interested in me… My heart doesn’t want to listen.
It hurts.
Always get close and get burned.
My youth was very shitty. Always bullied no matter how many school changes. That wrecked havok on my self esteem. I’ve been to therapy. Nothing helps.
I’m just tired and really don’t want anymore. No family, no friends.
Yeah, I’m not a deadbeat. I mean I have my home (mortgage) and cars (2 beaters). Not rich at all, but have learned to manage my money well.
I really don’t care for having a family. I mean I never want kids. I just wanted someone to be able to speak my mind without judgment. I’ll never have that.
Sounds like your on the right track, get out and mingle a bit, but be careful all that glitters isn’t gold.
Not sure about mingling. Not my type of thing.
Theres two basic ingredients which ‘most’ of us need for something resembling a happy existence. A job we can at least say we’re reasonably happy with…aaand a secure loving relationship as in an intimate partner to share our time with.
You are like many others, once one of those two components is under threat, so too is our wellbeing.
jbro0, as tough as this is, please keep in mind that logic becomes clouded and distorted. You’ve been at rock bottom before, but things picked up again and life improved. Our patience is paramount because nerly always things start looking up again, they do improve.
You are clearly a deep thinking, sensitive & emotional man! I like that about you !
Your past experiences tend to ruin your present ones. Remember one thing, most girls want a man, someone strong, independent, confident but with a nice side also. This means if a woman rejects you, that you can take it and move on. The last things girls want is a stalker or to be someone’s mom and handle his emotional problems.
What you need to do is keep all your insecurities to yourself and not pour your heart and soul out to them. I think you also need to see a therapist to discuss your past issues. Keep in mind that girls cannot play that role for you unless she becomes your wife and doesn’t mind.
Given the fact that you seem to be doing ok financially that does work in your favor. My friend most of us carry a lot of baggage and pain from our past, but we all have to put it aside in dating relationships or you’ll end up spoiling them.
Lastly you should be very careful in dating woman at your office, esp your boss’s daughter. If SHTF, you could be out of a job or make it very awkward, I’d avoid it. I had an example but it’s too long to explain so I’m leaving it out.
As for suicidal thoughts, join the club bro. My insecurities made me miss out on some incredible opportunities in my 20s and 30s. What’s worse now is that I’m in my 40s, gained weight (I used to be fit) and don’t look as good as I used to. Plus I’m dealing with life problems so I can’t even think about dating yet though I wish I could.
I’ve been behind the 8 ball all my life. I was so beaten down inside that even when girls gave me a chance, I turned them down because I was incompetent, didn’t know what I was doing or was depressed and had no game. It took me years to regain my self-confidence I had when I was young. I faced some bullying as well and while I didn’t get into an actual fight, I came very close a few times. That also affected me more than I care to admit.
I had a dumbas s for a father who doesn’t believe in fighting and is basically a Christian pacifist so I didn’t even learn self-defense. I was pretty naive until I hit around 17 yrs old and one of my best friends got me into bodybuilding and I did some martial arts.
Of course that made me way stronger and I wish I had figured that out when I was younger. While I had some good times most of my life was just full of endless sorrow, largely from my loneliness. I dated some girls but never really someone I was crazy about and whenever I did find such a girl, it turned into long distance relationship. It’s like life has been conspiring against me from ever experiencing real happiness.
And here I am mid-40s still trying to piece together a life I can feel happy about and that will make up for all the things I missed out on. Some days I truly wish I could just end it. All I have to look forward to is getting older. While most of my friends are settled in their lives right now, I’m still trying to get there.
On the plus side at least we can choose to end our lives if we finally had enough. I’m sticking around for a few more years at least. I’m going to give an honest effort at change. Also my mother’s elderly and I’m waiting for her to pass away first. I think it’d break her heart to see her son ‘leave.’ Once she’s gone then there’s really nothing holding me back. I’ve rambled long enough so I’ll stop here.
My only girlfriend in my late 20s was actually my coworker. Good thing was that when we split, I was at another job.
I have the same issue with my mom. Doesn’t live with me at the moment, but I’ll have to take her in and take care of her until she croaks and then go off myself.
Ya that’s fortunate, dating a coworker always carries some risk but it’s good that you went to another job.
I hear you, at least we’re responsible, good sons who look after our mothers. There are many people out there who dgaf about their family members.