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muddling through

by namelessqueer

Today and yesterday are hard days.  So many little things adding up to make it hard to climb out of this sadness.  I ordered some new clothes but it’s all too small for me, my laptop died, the light above my desk at work is dead so I’m just stuck in the darkness, and this boy I went on a date with wants to just be friends.  Work is blah, relationships are blah, I wake up alone every day and I wonder if things will ever change. I’ve been living alone for years now.  No friends, no lovers.  Well my ex partner lived with me for a few months a while back but I fucked that up because of anxiety, neediness and fear.

Today I cried on my commute to work. Clearly I’m a fucking mess.  Everything feels like garbage.  I feel like I’m breaking down.  I have to keep fighting but i feel tired of fighting.  I’m just crying and wishing to god that I would die because I don’t want to keep going.  I don’t see the point.  I would usually say I have to change something in my life, adjust something but right now I don’t feel like any adjustment would suffice.  I want to not want a partner.  I want to not mind being alone every morning.  And when someone is in my bed there’s no room for me in it.  I feel like I’m suffocating slowly.

Tengo que seguir luchando. pero mi corazon se siente ya muerto.

I keep teetering between being ok and being miserable.  That is my baseline today.  I need to breathe and work through it.  I am strong because I have survived.

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