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my dog, pot, and coffee

by skelly

hello. I am new to this website, so I apologize if I screw something up in writing this..

I’m 23ish, and still living with one of my parents. I’ve had depression and anxiety for around 9 years now, and I still haven’t managed to find solid footing. not much has helped manage the symptoms. I’ve tried different medication, different therapies, and even some illegal/legal drugs to try to mitigate it. the three things that have helped me the most thus far, has been my dog, pot and coffee. I’m not thrilled about being in a cycle of coffee and pot everyday, but it gets me up in the morning, and calms the panic at night. idk what other people on here’s experience with depression/anxiety is, but mine seems to get severely worse at night. if I haven’t taken any pot, most nights I’ll end up on the floor, and not be able to get up. I’ve isolated myself, and become pretty much a hermit. occasionally I’ll try to reach out to my friends, but every social situation feels so draining, even with people I love. I’m not sure if it’s just anxiety pains, but a localized spot at the base of my stomach has a lot of pain, which comes and goes.. whether or not it’s anxiety caused, it does cause a lot of anxiety. not sure what I’m going to do yet. I have some hope for ketamine treatment, but who knows how many hoops there will be to jump through, before I can try a dose. I might try a MAOI after, if it doesn’t work. after those though, I’m not sure. I’m just so tired of trying all this shit, and nothing making a dent. I feel like I’m only worse for wear, and increasingly pessimistic about my life as time goes on. I’ve been considering suicide as an option for years now. I have a few plans I haven’t told anyone about, in case things get too much. is there really any hope to overcoming this? I have no desire to “re-train my brain” and accept the rat race way of life. but is there anything outside of that? are there people living outside of that? I feel like I haven’t found a road map, or perhaps one does not exist for anything besides this perfect productive machine of a lifestyle. I’d rather be dead than live like that the rest of my life.

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4 comments

justarandomguy 6/11/2019 - 8:13 am

it sounds like you still have a chance to feel happy, before my downward spiral into the shitheap I wake up to I tried making connections. The people that aren’t depressed are the ones that are connected easy on paper ( I mean you could become a serial killer, that’s one way to get out of the cycle of social expectations) but seriously try to make connections but fuck the ones that seem forced

rocketman 6/11/2019 - 8:29 am

Hi well getting tired of finding things actually is a good thing, we would like instant gratification who doesn’t, by eliminating things we get closer to an answer, everyone has vices of some type that help, over doing them can create another problem, yes I believe there is there really any hope to overcoming this, how many attempts did the wright brothers make before the plane actually flew.

Hope Dream Love 6/11/2019 - 4:26 pm

i dont drink much coffee but i know living in canada tim hortons can be addictive. i need my french vanilla every morning at work lol. pot however i can use a lot of depending on the day. but i wouldnt worry about it. its a medication just like anything else. its something that makes the day easier to get though. i say take it. if you have someone telling you its bad and you shouldnt be doing it, ignore them. they probably dont understand how much it helps you. plus youre old enough now it wouldnt do significant brain damage. if you were around 15 and using it a lot id suggest not using that much.

Cause of Death: Suicide 6/13/2019 - 7:54 pm

I was forced to try ketamine before and it really was the worst drug I’d ever been forced to take in the psychiatric world. They used to force me to take their pills all the time, after I tried ketamine I stopped all pills and never to take again any psychiatric pill. My life I feel is palpatably much more horrid after having to experience the ketamine. Sounds like youre hanging on a string right now, I don’t think ketamine would be very good, it could just take the last amount of sanity you have left. I’m funny though, in the inevitable occasion that I am forced to take pills I just say I took them and don’t. That hasn’t happened in a while, though. Pills f*cked me up, but Ketamine to me was the worst. I was in some sort of K-hole for about a week and I thought it was a coma. Would never have willingly taken that dose, but I was 19 years old, 145 pounds and yelling … and the lord knows I needed the needle shoved into my kneecap.

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