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Out of my Hands

by Teresa's Child

What a hard thing to say, when you make a mistake. It’s out of my hands now. I forgot how hard saying that really is. I did what I could to fix the problem, and maybe I overthought it. Maybe it’s fine, but I know by now that rationality does not rule in human society, and so saying that rationally it’s fine doesn’t mean much. Maybe it’s not fine. As a human, I did what I thought was right in terms of fixing my mistake. If it didn’t make a difference, then…ugh. Whatever will happen will happen.

It’s hard to say this, but I do not control the world around me. I control myself, and if I make a mistake there are consequences. That’s how it works, and I should have known better.

I’m so immature. I know a lot because I read a lot, but the moment my heart is influenced I become a complete retard. It’s a calamity. I made no miscalculations, but I made a mistake regardless. This is scary to me. I suppose this is a point against rationalism. Sometimes the mind isn’t enough to control ones character.

Let’s get through the day. Three more hours and I’ll have a couple days of peace. Working out, reading, writing, meditation, and maybe doing some gentle studying.

On the bright side, I haven’t ruined anyone’s life. My life hasn’t been ruined. Perhaps my reputation is a bit damaged, and perhaps in some eyes I’m not a good person anymore. But that doesn’t make it true. It just means that I failed at a thing. And I’ve failed at lots of things. That doesn’t mean I am x, or I am y. One failure, a moral failing on my part, but not more then that. And not so large that it warrants the death penalty. Just a failing.

Life goes on. There will be other resources. Other ways to try and prove my goodness, and to other people. There will be other chances, if not here then somewhere else.

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